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Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Savvy Singles > Breaking Up

Savvy Singles
by dating expert Tonja Evetts Weimer

Why is He Walking Out?

Usually, when a couple breaks up, what is discovered is that each of them had a different understanding about their commitment.  With a shift in perception, you might be able to move from the break up being ugly to having it become something that taught you a lot.  As long as you are going through pain, you might as well make the most of it. 

Also—what you don’t learn, you are doomed to repeat.

As a rule of thumb, you are NOT in a committed relationship IF:

1) You or your partner wonders if this relationship is committed.

2) Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship.

3) You and your partner have not formalized your commitment in some way.

4) You are counting on verbal promises without a significant success rate of them being kept.

A commitment is something that is well understood between you and your partner.  It is built gradually over time.  When both people know they are committed to each other, there is usually a formal event of some kind between them. 

Why do people break up?  What happens to them?  You may recognize some of the following:

Addicted to substances or negative habits
There are the obvious reasons for leaving someone, of course, such as addiction to substances, gambling, lying, cheating, violent outbursts, and infidelity.  In all of these cases, there has to be intervention and treatment for any relationship to survive.  Both parties need counseling.  If the person with these habits won’t get help, get counseling for yourself so you can understand why you are attracted to this type of individual.

Being equals
If you do not have your own life that you are proud of, you may be trying to get your needs fulfilled by living vicariously through someone else.  Eventually, the other person feels drained from propping you up.  Romantic relationships endure when they are between equals.  If he is leaving you, get a life first, before you get another boyfriend.

Compromising in what and who you want
Are you with someone because you think you can’t do any better?  Are you tired of being alone, and want to be part of a couple so much that you have compromised your needs and buried your dreams of finding a great love?  One of the ways you will know you have settled for less than what you want is when you are more attracted to other men than the one you are with. 

Fear of being alone
Do you work hard at carefully masking your terror of being alone?  Are you desperate to have someone in your life so you can get through the dark of the night?  I know you think that if you found someone, all your worries would be over.  Unfortunately, they would just be beginning.  You would still have your own insecurities to deal with, while adding those of another person.

Trust 
In almost every relationship that did not make it, someone did not honor a value the other one held dear.  If one person values trust and honesty, and the other one has been caught in a lie, their prognosis as a happy, healthy couple is not good. 

Is he walking out on you?  If you do any of the above, he might want to leave.  But ask yourself, “Have you left yourself?  Have you given up hope for a wonderful life?”  This is what makes you attractive. Handle the above issues and then remember—someone wonderful is waiting for you.

Related Links
Dealing with a Break Up



Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is an award-winning author and Master Certified Single’s Coach and Personal Life Coach. Her Savvy Singles column appears every Friday in Online Dating Magazine. You can email Tonja at tonja@tonjaweimer.com, visit her website a www.singlesdatingtips.com or www.tonjaweimer.com, or call 864-294-9494.


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