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eHarmony to Open Matchmaking Service for Pets

(Online Dating Magazine - April 1, 2010) Matchmaking service eHarmony announced today that it will soon be opening a matchmaking service for pets called "eHarmony Pets". The service will allow owners of cats, dogs, and boa constrictors to put their pet on the service and try to find a match, whether for love or for compatibility.

"We've found that, like with humans, there are 99 dimensions of matchmaking among pets," said Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder and the voice of eHarmony. "For example, one of the compatibility factors among dogs is how long they sniff the but of another dog when out on a walk. This is important. If they sniff for more than 20 seconds then it could be an indicator of possible addictive behaviour and that's important in creating a compatible match. In this case, a perfect match would be a dog that likes to have its but sniffed for more than 20 seconds at a time by the same dog."

The tests that cats, dogs, and boa constrictors take on the service are all different and all tailored to the specific species. For example, cats have a "laser light on the screen" test to determine reflexes and ability to focus or concentrate on one item for an extended period of time. Another important dimension of compatibility for cats is whether they like to keep a clean litter box or if they are more of a messy litterbox style.

"Cats are a fun breed to match because of their character," said Warren. "Our motto for match catch is '9 lives and 99 dimensions'. The whole nine thing really works out nice with that. But anyway, when it comes to cats does yours want to be matched with an independent thinker, a food addict, or a cat that only stands to eat, use the litterbox, or crawl under a human hand? At our new eHarmony Pets Lab we've discovered all the secrets to successful compatibility.

The launch of the service isn't without controversy. It's rumored that when filming a commercial for the new service (featuring a chihuahua, Siberian cat, and boa constrictor), the boa constrictor ate the Chihuahua after the Chihuahua wouldn't stop barking at the snake. eHarmony has refused to comment on the incident, although one employee wishing to remain anonymous said that creating matchmaking compatibility tests among different species could solve a lot of problems and prevent such incidents in the future.

The employee, named Jeff, emphasized the importance of remaining anonymous because he could lose his job for talking to the media without Dr. credentials. "Only Dr. Warren is allowed to speak to the media," said Jeff who personally designed the home page for the new service and whose cat is featured on the home page.

eHarmony wouldn't confirm or deny that the Chihuahua eaten by the snake was the Taco Bell Chihuahua made famous for talking in Taco Bell commercials without farting. Calls to Taco Bell customer service were put on hold and we were unable to confirm this at press time.

eHarmony said the idea for a service that created matchmaking for pets came from eHarmony users with pets who emailed eHarmony about matching their pets too.

"Pretty cool, huh?" said Dr. Warren. "We established this service the same way Ben and Jerry's discovered Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream - from a user suggestion."

When asked why Boa constrictors were one of the three main intitial pets being matched, eHarmony said it was because of the challenge.

"Boa constrictors are hard to match with any species, including itself," said Dr. Andrew Adams, substituing in our interview for Dr. Warren while he was on a bathroom break. "We spent two years working out why 99 times out of 100 a Boa constrictor will eat a live rat when put in its cage, but every once in awhile will befriend it. We then used our findings to develop a series of compatibility questions that would help us match Boa constrictors with other Boa constrictors. Questions like, Has Your Boa Constrictor Ever Eaten Another Boa Constrictor? and Has Your Boa Constrictor Ever Eaten Another Pet or Member of Your Family?"

Some Boa constrictors like to ambush their prey before eating it. eHarmony says it's important that snakes that like to ambush prey aren't matched with Boa constrictors that like to play with their prey.

"It could create internal issues to long-term compatibility," said Dr. Warren, who returned from his bathroom break.

eHarmony says the new service will officially launch "soon" after a few kinks are ironed out. Like with eHarmony, the service will have monthy "free communication weekends" where pets can communicate with other pets they are match with for free without paying*.

As a precursor to thwart any possible future lawsuits or protests, eHarmony also announced that it will open up a separate matchmaking service for gay pets, called "Compatibility Pet Partners".

* must pay to see photo of pets you are matched with.

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