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Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Dating with Disabilities > Dear You Know Who You Are

Dating with Disabilities
by Melissa Blake

You Know Who You Are

Dear You Know Who You Are,

Wow, I can't believe it. I really can't. So this is how it ends, how the curtains close on my little play? I have to say, I'm rather quite disappointed in all of this. It didn't have to go down like this. And yet, in some way, I suppose I’m not that surprised either. Maybe things would have eventually ended like anyway. Maybe it was only a matter of time.  
I once posted a serious question on Facebook (well, at least I thought it was a serious question): 


I expected the usual answers: the fear of the unknown, the intimidation factor. And I did get those answers. I can fully understand those reasons, which why I’m so passionate about this column. It’s one way that I can at least begin the process of erasing some of those societal fears and stereotypes. 
But what I didn’t expect was this reply I got from you, a link to a rather degrading blog. If there was ever a site so blatantly insulting, so obviously chauvinistic, this guy who runs this blog wins the prize. 
I’m sure you’re probably thinking you somehow saved my life by alerting me to this Bible. How could I live without knowing that a cheating woman is worse than a cheating man? Or how could I live one more day without knowing that thin girls still win the dating race? 
Now, I assume you reacted this way for one of two reasons: 

1. You actually believe this smut. 

2. You feel the need to insult me because of lingering resentment or uncomfortable feelings you still have since you discovered my feelings for you. A sort of cover-up, perhaps? A defense mechanism? 

Or maybe it’s a combination of the two. Either way, the reason doesn’t really matter now anyway. 
Thank you for letting me know that I’m basically the runt of the women litter. Thank you for letting me know that my disability has basically given me an all-access pass, expiration-date NEVER to the world of Spinsterhood. Thank you, too, for letting me know that the motives of most men are to send those of us with any sort of disability back to the jungle to live out the rest of our days with our own kind. I bet this tactic works wonders with the other women in your life; Did Mr. Darwin teach you that dating trick? 
Maybe you haven’t received the memo, but we humans have indeed evolved. I thought we were at least above living by the survival-of-the-fittest/looking-for-the-strongest-animal-with-which-to-mate mentality. I guess not all of us are that evolved after all. 
What sort of person directs a woman – a woman who you know has struggled with coming to terms with her disability – to a site that idealizes everything she’s not? How cold and heartless do you have to be? 
Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but – and I’m sorry for ripping off a line from a classic movie – no one puts me in a corner. 
OK, so I know we never actually dated, but whether you knew it or not, you held a very large piece of my heart for a very long time. And you know what? I actually thought you'd be different. I used to think your textbook-speak in real life was the sexiest thing in the world. Now, it’s not so hot. It’s irritating. It’s annoying. 
You should know that consistently taking a scientific approach to people’s very real, very serious and very emotional (ooops, there’s that word emotional again….) feelings isn’t going to get you through life. Well, it might, but I promise it will be a very, very lonely life indeed. 
I’m sorry you’re unable to be in tune with your emotions or, I don’t know, pick up on the emotional cues of others. 
As it turns out, I was actually probably more in love with the fantasy and idea of you more than, well, you. I'd built you up in my head to be all these things, and I guess it's not really your fault you never really delivered on any of them. 
For years, I wanted to get to know the real you, and I yearned for the days when you would know the real me. Well, now those ideals don’t look too appealing after all. 
In the end, I suppose it’s your loss. Really. We could have been incredibly hot together, sparks flying everywhere, but now I guess we’ll never know, will we? 
But I know I must look on the bright side. It’s good we discovered our differences now before we’re in the aisles of Bed, Bath and Beyond, picking out China patterns, when you announce: Oh, by the way, I believe in the sheer animalistic tendencies of humans. And I love that pattern on those plates.” 
You were my first love and my first “break-up” letter. There’s something strangely poetic in that, don't you think? 
I’m sorry if this is too honest for you. Maybe there’s a section on that blog that speaks about honest women. Oh, there’s not? Ooops. I’m sorry. 
That’s really all that’s left to say. I just thought you should know that there is a subtext behind what people say, and that sometimes, it’s the words you don’t say that hurt the most. 
P.S. Just so you know, the way to a girl's heart is not by telling her she's basically the runt. Maybe that little nugget of advice will help you in your next romantic endeavor - or should I say, your next scientific interaction with the opposite sex.


Dating with Disabilities is published every Tuesday by Online Dating Magazine columnist Melissa Blake. Melissa is a freelance writer and columnist. Her work has been featured in Redbook, Pregnancy magazine and the Chicago Tribune. She can be reached at

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