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Dating Triumphs and Tragedies
by Nicole Roberge

A Good Match (

I recently received an email from a reader who was having some frustrations with . His big question to me was:  “What am I doing wrong?”

I told him nothing, and that it was the other people.

Here is his situation: “Jerry,” we’ll call him, wants to know how he can revise his online profile so that when he contacts people and they are not interested, they can have the decency to respond with a simple “maybe” or “no thank you.”  After all, he has taken the time to reach out to these people, and put much detail into his emails, that it is quite discouraging when he hears absolutely nothing back.


He tells me how this is his first time doing online dating and he is a 31-year old professional living in Denver.  Never married, has great qualities, likes kids, and has a good relationship with his family and a decent job.  Sounds great to me.  He has good interests and made a profile that exemplifies that.

He sent out roughly 25 emails/winks on and had one response.  Of the other attempts, he heard nothing back.  As he says, not even a “polite ‘no thank you’ or any sort of acknowledgement what-so-ever.”

Jerry is used to having calls and emails returned, and likewise, returns all communication.  So it is natural that he should be frustrated when he does not hear back after sending a personalized communication to someone else.  Shouldn’t there be some sort of etiquette, he wonders?

A simple “not interested,” or “thanks, but no thanks” would do the trick.  At least that proves that the person received the email and they are just not compatible.

I tell Jerry that I can understand his frustrations.  Coming from the female side, I have to be honest and admit that there are times when I get a message that I do simply ignore, without a reply or sending a “no, thanks” message.  However, these are cases when the guy says something rude or creepy and I feel as if I do not owe him a response.

It is supposed to be a place where you can connect with people, not feel rejected, as in his case, or turned off, as in mine.  So where is the happy-medium?

In Jerry’s case, with a person who does put a lot of thought into their messages and mentions details of the other person and asks questions in regards to their profile, he deserves a response.  Even if the other person is not interested, reply and say why, or if that doesn’t seem to be an option, just click the “no, thanks button.”  It’s right next to “delete.”   Be kind.  Someone was interested in you, so don’t brush them off so easily.  And if they were that interested to spend so much time in wanting to get to know you, maybe try replying.  You never know what could happen, and first impressions don’t always mean everything.  You are on for a reason, to meet people, and if you keep hitting delete, that is not going to happen.

In my case of the “deletes,” I think I have good cause.  Not everyone out there is safe, and some people do just find a profile, click on it, and write something absurd.  They are the ones who do not deserve a response.  They deserve a delete.

But not Jerry.  He is the type of person that needs more of.  Someone endearing, someone who cares, and someone who is truly seeking a relationship.  If were made up of Jerry’s, there would be a lot of happy women.

His question was, is there a way to get people to respond.  Unless makes you click a button, it’s not going to happen.  They recommend it, but people will do what they will.  But hey, I’m saying it.  Have some courtesy people.  You don’t know the person on the other side of the computer, but maybe you should get to know them.  You are on for a reason, so don’t brush other people off so easily.  If you want to find love, here is your chance.  Don’t be afraid to take risks.  Don’t let another Jerry pass you by.


Dating Triumphs and Tragedies is published every Sunday by Online Dating Magazine columnist Nicole Roberge. She can be reached at

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