Bookmark and Share

Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Office Hours with Dr. Jim > How to Snag a Man

Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James Houran, Ph.D

In this column, "Dr. Jim" honestly and candidly answers your questions about dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell you what you want to hear – he tells you what you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering you guidance based on responsible clinical practice and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration in an upcoming issue.


Traits Women Should Have to Snag a Man with Maturity

I have trouble finding the right man. Do you have any advice on how I need to improve myself in order to get the right man?

You love (respect) yourself.
Yes, it's true and here's why. People find other people attractive who are grounded, know what they want and do not across as radically "needy."  Men experience overly neediness from women as "being smothered, cornered and always on a tight leash." Poor self-confidence and self-worth often makes it difficult to find a boyfriend who has strong self-confidence and self-worth. You can show comfort with yourself by dressing and acting your age and maturity level (not trying to come off younger or "hipper" than you are), talking about the other person and not just about your needs and having a life independent of a love interest and allowing your love interest to have an identity and space away from you.

You know how to compromise.
One of the most critical skills for a long-term relationship is "accommodation" because both partner's needs can and do change over time. Successful couples have the ability to consistently maximize or focus on the positives in the relationship and downplay the negatives. This ability allows them to put conflicts and disagreements in perspective. Accommodation also means placing the needs of your partner ahead of your own. That does not mean that these couples ignore problems and significant issues. Rather, they discuss their potential sources of disagreement and decide as a couple what is important to agree on and what is trivial. There's give and take among in the relationship among: (1) the partners’ values, personalities, and predispositions, (2) the couple’s adaptability to each other’s needs in the face of mutual conflict, and (3) changes over time in a partner’s preferences, goals, and dispositions. People can put up with a lot when they feel loved, but even the slightest “infraction” can be unacceptable when they don’t feel loved.

You’re over your ex.
This seems like a no-brainer, but many women (and even men) under-estimate the long pace it usually takes to get over someone. This is a predictable killer to a budding romance. No one wants to feel like a third wheel, and guys don't want to feel there's a unwinnable competition for their love interests. Guys can sense when a girl is still hung up on a past relationship; the signs can be both overt and subtle:

1. Your photo on your online dating profile shows you with your ex but the ex's face is blacked out.

2. You still have photos of your ex or the two of you together in your wallet or on your wall.

3. You're consistently making comparisons between your ex and current boyfriend ("My ex used to hold the door for me like that"), comparisons that your friends may very well participate in.

4. You're consistently retracing your old steps and haunts with your new boyfriend -- perhaps trying to relive particularly fond memories (e.g., taking him to the club, restaurant or bed/breakfast you and your ex would go).

5. You're spending time checking the status of your ex's Facebook or online dating profile.

6. You become irritated at the thought of your ex dating someone else.

You¹ve got something going for you.
Each partner should have qualities that help to bring spice and balance to the relationship. The couple must have both similarities and differences. Similarities certainly promote a sense of familiarity and bondedness. Similarities help couples explore and navigate issues on a common playing field. However, people don’t want partners too similar to themselves - because no one wants a partner that is a carbon copy of him/herself. Differences can add spice and novelty (enhancing chemistry), as well as add stability (enhancing balance in a relationship). With this in mind, guys like girls who have a strong sense of self, clear interests in life and a sense of control. In this way, guys don't feel like they are totally responsible for their love interest's happiness. Remember, mature guys don't want a woman who's helpless, hopeless and acts like a co-dependent.

You're “guy hot.
Guys' heads are easy to turn, so women tend to be more focused on being competitive with each other socially and in terms of fashion. Women are dressing for themselves and not for guys can be a big mistake. As harsh as it sounds, guys want a girl who is physically attractive. Remember, human beings -- and especially men -- are extremely visual creatures. Dressing to be girl hot instead of guy hot is like a shooting an arrow at the wrong target. If you want to hit the right spots, you must aim correctly. Dress to impress a man with emotional maturity. Many books and articles have discussed the fashion trends that men find particularly appealing. Play to his visual sense if you want his attention. The nice side benefit -- if you can't resist the temptation of evil pleasures -- is that more attention you get from men, the more jealous the women around you will be!


Dr. James Houran's "Office Hours with Dr. Jim" column is published every Monday.

> - The best approach to find the one. <

All Online Dating Magazine content, including the content on this page,
is © copyright by Online Dating Magazine and may not be
republished or reused in any form. You do have
full permission to link to this article.

Do you agree or disagree with this article? Have
more to add? Submit a Letter to the Editor today or post a comment below.


blog comments powered by Disqus

Privacy Statement | Code of Ethics Statement
Bookmark Online Dating Magazine at

>View Online Dating Magazine Singles Travel Adventures<

Online Dating | News | Columns | Features | Dating Services | Niche Dating
Online Dating Directory | Dating Humor | Quick Tip Articles | Online Dating Industry
Industry History
| Online Dating Reviews | Reader Reviews | Dating Videos | Book / DVD Reviews
Reader Letters | Self Improvement | Experiences | Newsletter | Interviews
Top 10 Lists | STD Info Center | About Us | Advertise
Media Center
| FAQ | Search | Contact | Dating Promotions

Dating Cartoons | Dating Jokes | Funny Dating Videos | Dating Games

Online Dating Magazine Needs Your Help!

All content on this Website is ©copyright by Online
Dating Magazine. All Rights Reserved. The content
on this site may not be reused or republished.

Are you an online dating site Webmaster? If so...
If you are looking for free dating content you can republish, click here



Advertise on
Online Dating Magazine



Stay Up to Date:

Follow Us on Twitter

Follow Us on YouTube

Follow Us on Facebook


10 Most Viewed Articles:

Online Dating Tips
Opposites Attract
Online Dating Safety Tips
Rose Colors
Guys are Weird
Dating Games
Online Dating Reviews
Creative Date Ideas
Long Distance Relationships
Dealing with a Breakup

Other Resources:

These links will take you away from Online Dating Magazine.

Google (Google Your Date)
Research Dating Service)

MailOrderBride Guide

Note: Online Dating Magazine does not sell text links anywhere on the site, so please don't email asking about text links. Any links we have are affiliate links, resources we find useful, links to other sites we run or long-time magazine sponsors. We do have graphic ad options in our Advertising section.