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Let’s face it, everyone has a past and knowing too little or too much about a partner’s past can trouble and gnaw at you to the extent that it kills a budding relationship or handicaps an existing one. It’s unrealistic to think you can’t or won’t ever feel jealous or judgmental about something in your partner’s past. That said, it’s also unrealistic to think that your partner’s past is something you can’t or won’t ever learn to accept and get over. “We All Get Jealous or Judgmental” “The Past Created the Present” With this in mind, I’d reflect on that thought whenever I felt insecure about myself or the relationship. Hopefully, people grow and mature from their past mistakes. For instance, mismanaging money can teach the value of good credit and illicit substance use can teach appreciation for good health and an unwavering support system. And past relationships – happy or not – should teach us about what we truly want and need in a partner. The point again is that our past defines our present. “Appreciating the Present Enables us to Accept the Past” — How do I get over my past so I can have a great relationship now? Dealing with a partner’s past can be difficult (see last week’s installment: “How do two people talk about or get over each other’s past?”). However, it can be even more daunting coming to terms with your own past. This is especially true if you have low self-esteem or when you haven’t revealed anything to your partner (or anyone else) about your past until now. Before you can know how to explain and discuss your past with your partner, you must come to understand and accept it yourself. Doing this involves pondering two questions:
Pondering these questions doesn’t mean that you should get into heavy self-disclosure with people you’ve just met online or even with new friends. But talking about your past with a committed partner helps you come to terms with your past choices. It gives you an opportunity to express to your partner what you have learned and how you intend to apply those lessons to a life together. The person may not like or approve of your past, but they will either be able to accept your past and love you for who you are today, or the person will not accept your past and leave. If the person leaves, then they were probably not right for you anyway. Here’s some practical advice about thinking about your past and discussing it with your partner – always refer to what you’ve learned from the past and how it has affected you for the better in the present. It’s not psychobabble, it’s simply the difference between choosing between a positive and optimistic attitude versus a self-defeating one. For Example:
As for your own feelings, there typically will be some apprehension since sharing anything personal is a risky venture and means being vulnerable to another. Being vulnerable can be unsettling to say the least, especially if you already lower levels of self esteem. That said, vulnerability is really a sign of strength and it is a gift partners give to each other. Vulnerability will strengthen your relationship by strengthening the bond and sense of trust you have with a partner. Being open and vulnerable is worth the risk. What isn’t worth the energy and trouble is being preoccupied and unforgiving about your past choices. You’ll miss the present by focusing solely on the past.And if you miss the present then you haven’t learned the life lessons and applied them in your life today to make better choices for the good of all.
Dr. James Houran's "Office Hours with Dr. Jim" column is published every Monday.
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