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Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Jennifer's Gems > Outed by a Lover

by Jennifer Brown Banks

Outed by a Lover

A former co-worker of mine called me in a state of panic.

I could hear the fear in her voice.

She thought that since I've advised singles on relationships for many years, I might be able to help her too.

“Cheryl” confided that she had posed for some pretty provocative pictures some time ago upon her boyfriend's repeated request.

But now they were on the verge of a break-up with the usual bitter words and bad feelings.

Certainly “Don” could make life difficult for her if those risque pictures that rivaled a Playboy centerfold found their way posted on the Internet or in the hands of the unintended; especially considering that she was very active in her local church, and held a reputable day job as a librarian.

At the time it seemed like a pretty good idea.

Admittedly she had the figure of a woman half her age and she was proud.  Not to mention, at the height of their three-year relationship, Don treated her like royalty.

“What now?” She asked like a child in need of guidance. What if her mother saw the photos? Or God forbid, her grown sons...


Let's face it.  We all have skeletons in our closets;nobody's perfect.

Indiscretions of our youth that were the byproduct of immaturity, bad decisions, or “oh-no-she-didn't-nerves! But age brings about wisdom.  Or at least it should.  Foresight is crucial.

Whether it's posing like a Playboy model, getting wasted and wild at a party, or having  a “liberated libido”, lightly made decisions of today can shape your tomorrows.

Here's another case in point...

A similar scenario recently surfaced on the Tyra Banks show.  This time the couple was in their twenties, and appeared on the show because the young girl sought Tyra's help on retrieving her photos, as “Jamal” threatened to post the photos on her dad's windshield to ruin her “daddy's girl” reputation while they were engaged in love's war.

Now here's the catch 22...

Ladies, if your man has photos of you or videos reflecting your bedroom behavior, and you convince him to surrender them to your custody, guess what?

Usually there are a few that he stashes away for his “private collection”.

And they could resurface.  Maybe next month. Perhaps next year.

Maybe as black mail.  Maybe as revenge.


Be forewarned. 

And with the Internet as a major mode of communication these days, your bottom could find its way on the top of computers around the country for millions to oogle at.

And did I mention, that the Internet has an indefinite “shelf-life”?

Just something to consider.

In a “perfect world” what goes on between two “consenting adults” would stay with the involved parties, but unfortunately that doesn't always happen.

Remember Paris Hilton? 

And who can forget the damage and dishonor of the unauthorized release of photos that scandalized Vanessa Williams at the heart of her career?

Here are a few things to keep in mind---

Hell has no fury like a man rejected.

  • Decisions made in haste usually have long-term repercussions.

  • If a man really cares for you, he typically won't ask you to do anything that's against your personal comfort or moral code.

  • Consider this. If you ALONE are not enough for your mate, perhaps you should leave your mate alone!

  • No matter how good your current relationship may be, things could change. Sometimes people change. Sometimes the worst case scenario actually becomes “the worst case scenario”. Proceed with caution.

  • Though I'm not qualified to give legal advice, I do believe if you feel compelled to pose and show your “assets”, that you should get something in writing swearing that the photos can not be released for public usage. At least then, if he violates your trust their might be grounds for a suit.

But perhaps the best words of advice I can offer would be these: in love and life “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Until next time..


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Jennifer's Gems is a weekly column written by award-winning poet and writer, Jennifer Brown Banks. It is published every Wednesday. Click here to read her welcome letter.

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