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Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Jennifer's Gems > Why Her and Not You

by Jennifer Brown Banks

Why Her and Not You?

Why her and not you? it's a question millions of women have contemplated at the hands of a cheating lover, or one that exits a “good relationship” without rhyme or reason.

(Remember the case with Lonnie Anderson and Burt Reynolds?)

Most of us rack our brains, lose our peace, and question our value as we try to figure out what we did wrong or where we were deficient. Typical questions plague us and cause unrest. Questions like:  Does she look better? Did I gain too much weight? Not love him enough? Try too hard? Not try hard enough? Could I have measured up more?

The questions are as extensive as the experiences.


We scrutinize our appearance, our romantic “repertoire” and even our last conversation with   the man who stole our hearts and claimed our essence. We beat ourselves up with “could haves” and 'should haves”.

We seek comfort from family members and friends, and answers from God.  We find refuge in bittersweet memories. It's the stuff that soap operas and song lyrics are made of.
But as a woman who has “been there and done that”, I've picked up some valuable wisdom along the way.

Here's the deal: it's not you, it's him.  You could have been Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry and it wouldn't have mattered.  A man with commitment or maturity issues usually doesn't stay rooted in mature, lasting relationships.  Not to mention, guys don't always make decisions based upon rationale and logic like we do.

Here's a case in point. I was tuned into the popular TV show “CHEATERS” when a guy was busted for stepping out on his live-in girlfriend of one year.  This chick looked like Jennifer Lopez.  I kid you not!  When the camera crew caught up with his cheating accomplice, my jaw dropped.  This chick severely paled in comparison to his girlfriend.  It was like comparing hamburger to steak.

It's a classic case of men “trading down” or choosing “the path of least resistance.”
Go figure.

I'm sure you've experienced it before, or know someone who has.

This is the scenario: a guy leaves a woman who's a college professor to date the neighborhood sitter. Or he cheats on a woman who looks like a cheerleader for one who looks like a linebacker!

Here's what I've discovered...

These are some of the most common reasons the other woman was the “winner by default.”

  • Convenience factor
    She let's him live with her without financial responsibility or marital ties.

  • Lower standards
    She requires less of him. He dictates the terms.

  • Boredom
    The desire to “conquer” new territory has him on a new adventure.

  • Trappings
    She has a better job or bigger car.

  • Finances
    She's his baby's mama, and in the words of a popular song, he figures “it's cheaper to keep her.”

  • Fear
    He's commitment phobic, and you're getting too close emotionally.

  • Fatal attraction
    He's gotten in too deep and another chick has threatened to harm him if he dumps her.

  • He suffers from idiot-itis
    Dumb decisions are a part of his M.O.

  • He's misogynistic
    Women are of no real value to him.  You were merely one of a string of victims in his dating history.

  • He's less threatened by her success
    She's less intimidating, and makes him feel like more of a man as a result..

Now, here's what you need to discover.

  • “No person can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

  • With an open heart and open mind, you'll one day find the love you so richly desire and deserve.

  • The best revenge is a good life.

  • More often than not, you're better off without him.

So the next time you indulge in a pity party over love gone wrong, know that more than likely it's not you, it's him.



Jennifer's Gems
is a weekly column written by award-winning poet and writer, Jennifer Brown Banks. It is published every Wednesday.
Click here to read her welcome letter.

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