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Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Savvy Singles > Falling in Love

Savvy Singles
by dating expert Tonja Evetts Weimer

Plan on Falling in Love

Have you ever heard of a dating plan? If you want to meet someone and fall in love, you have to make a plan. We usually plan for everything else in life. We have financial plans, health plans, educational plans, travel plans, and more. But not too many people have a focused dating plan.

Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, most of us don’t think about planning for one. We usually wait for something to happen, watch to see what comes our way, and react. If we don’t like what we see, we continue to wait and watch. Somehow, we don’t think we should have to work or plan for a relationship. We think it should just “happen.”


For example, Joe has been on a career track all his life. His parents sent him to the best schools and his summers were planned with camp, travel, and sports. His after-school activities were strictly monitored, with every activity planned to further his growth and career. Joe is now thirty-six, has a good job, some friends he met in high school and college, and would like to meet MISS WONDERFUL. Does he have a plan? No. He goes out every weekend to the same places, barely looks up from his beer to see who is there, and talks about how there isn’t anyone to meet in this town.

Why doesn’t Joe have a plan? He had one for everything else in his life. Isn’t meeting the love of your life just as important?

If Joe understood that HE has to do some work to meet his life partner, where would he start? He could begin by increasing his self-knowledge of who he is. He needs to consider what the purpose of his life is and how he wants to express it. Following that, he needs to be clear about what he wants in a life partner.

Most relationship problems happen when couples have different visions of what they expect from each other. Often, when people get married, they are UNCONSCIOUS of what their relationship deal-breakers are, what their vision is for their lives, and what their purpose is in the world.

Here is a place for YOU to begin in designing an individual plan for your search for the right partner. Ask yourself the following questions and pay attention to your answers. They could change your life:

1. What do I want?
Don’t rush this question. Sit down and start to write out exactly who you want to be in life and what that would look like.

2. What am I willing to do to get what I want?
It’s one thing to say you want something. How committed are you to it? What action are you willing to take to make it happen? Have you worked hard to have the career you have today? What else do you need to do to have your work be everything you want? While you’re at it, are you willing to make an educated, focused search for the person who is perfect for you?

3. What are my individual character traits?
It is essential that you look closely at who you are and what you MUST HAVE in your life to be happy. We did not choose our traits. We were born with them. If you put yourself in a situation where they cannot flourish, you will fade. It’s also important to find someone who is compatible with your traits.

4. What is the most important thing I could do to create new results in my life?
Are you willing to stretch out of that comfort zone that might not be bringing you the happiness you want, but is familiar?

5. How can I use a recent experience to avoid mistakes in the future?
Most of us are doomed to repeat the same errors over and over unless we stop and ask ourselves what we learned from them. It’s uncomfortable. Take a look at what you did in the past that did not work and ask yourself what you could have done differently.

6. How can I turn this problem around?
If we take responsibility for the challenges in our lives, and don’t blame others for them, we can spend our energy looking for solutions. With this attitude, you can also take responsibility for finding the love of your life.

On a daily basis, consider these questions:

» What did I learn today?
This is a great question for the end of the day. Give yourself credit for what you did well, and see if there is something to learn from what might not have gone as well as expected.

» What am I proud of?
First, make sure you do something every day that you’re proud of. Second, pay attention to your “self” talk. When you hear yourself being negative, stop and remember your accomplishments.

» What am I grateful for?
Now we’re getting down to the substance of your life. This should be a daily exercise.

» What have I given to others today?
Be sure to keep the balance sheet of your life a little more in the “give” column, than in the “receive.”

If you spend some time answering these questions, and then come back to them from time to time, the quality of your life will soar.

Joe needs to focus on the above questions. He needs to become clear about who he is and then, what he would like to find in a partner. He needs to develop himself into the kind of person he would like to find, and then improve his dating skills so he can make a wise and informed choice. Once he has addressed some of the above, he can do the following. So can you. Go ahead and be brave.

1. Try Internet dating. Have someone help you write a clever profile and send a good picture.

2. Ask family and friends to fix you up. YOU have to ask them or they won’t automatically do it.

3. Get out of the house often. Take out your calendar, and write down where you are going to go during the month. Look in your local paper and see what is available for you. Show up over and over and over, and be FRIENDLY. Volume equals success.

How can Joe meet someone? How can you? You need a plan.

Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is an award-winning author and Master Certified Single’s Coach and Personal Life Coach. Her Savvy Singles column appears every Friday in Online Dating Magazine. You can email Tonja at, visit her website a or, or call 864-294-9494.

> - The best approach to find the one. <

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