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Savvy Singles
by dating expert Tonja Evetts Weimer

10 Reasons You Don't Have a Date

Do you wish you had a date on Saturday night — or any night?

Would you like to meet someone who would bring you romance and a lasting relationship?

Many people often wonder why their friends are going out while they sit at home alone. I have a client who said, “I just don’t get it. I have a great job, I’m not that bad looking and I’m a pretty good guy. How come I can’t get a date?” The fact was, my client was a truly nice man, very good looking, and had strong principles. Unfortunately, he harbored some of the following reasons why most people can’t get a date:


1. Actions
You won’t have a date unless you DO something to get one. This is the number one reason people do not find the love of their life. You have to take the actions that lead you out of the house to meet others. When you get there, you have to talk and be friendly.

2. Beliefs
If you believe you can’t attract the one you want—you won’t. Beliefs propel us forward or hold us back. If you think your age, weight, finances, education, looks or even your location stand in your way, then they probably do. Examine what your negative beliefs are and work on re-programming them. Tell yourself, “I am fabulous. I am ready to date.”

3. Attitude
Arrogance, entitlement, poor-me, hopelessness, despair, or thinking of yourself as a victim of others are attitudes that do not wear well in the dating world. Would you want to go out with someone who complains all the time or acts like they are better than others or thinks the world owes them something? Ask your friends how you come across. You may be surprised at some of their answers.

4. Body Image
Most people are never satisfied with the way they look. What do you say to yourself when you look at your shape? The more you dislike your body, the more likely you are to neglect or mistreat it. When you meet others, you reveal this self-loathing in the way you act. How can someone love you when you don’t love yourself? Get yourself to the gym and make the most of what you have. You should not expect more from yourself than that—or you are being unkind to the very person who needs your support the most—you.

5. Social Skills
If you are shy, your natural inclination is to retreat. You may then come up with one excuse after another why you can’t go out or why there isn’t anyone “out there” for you. If you are sincere about wanting to meet someone, you are going to have to push through this challenge. Practice social skills by going to the mall—alone—and approaching (safe) strangers. (Talk to an older person of the same gender as you.) Ask them a question and keep talking if they are responsive. What you will discover is that people want to talk to you.

6. Confidence
Nothing attracts the one you want like confidence. How do you get it if you feel you don’t have it? The old fashioned way—you earn it. You strive for excellence in everything you do from your job to your friendships. Confidence is not swaggering, loud, or arrogant. Confidence is quiet. Confidence is forgiving—of you and of others, allowing people to be the way they are. It’s also an inner knowing that, at the end of the day, you were honest and loyal and you did the best you could.

7. Perseverance
Many people give up too easily. They think they are being rejected or not respected and they make a decision not to go out and try again. It takes work and courage to get up every day and extend you to the world once more. Keep your boundaries tucked in tight around you and it won’t be so menacing out there.

8. Communication
People who don’t communicate well do not get dates. If you are not friendly, do not ask questions to get to know others, and do not share information about yourself in a sincere way, no one will know who you are. In order to be able to draw people to you in a way that causes them to care, think about some of life’s funniest moments. (Did your hair turn bright orange when you tried once to go blond?) What is meaningful to you? (Did you volunteer in a nursing home or serve in a soup kitchen?) And what do you admire in others? (Do you love the come-from-behind teams who win the Super Bowl or the World Series in spite of the odds?) Start with these three areas of conversation and go from there.

9. Validation
People like to be around other people who validate them. Giving someone a genuine compliment goes a long way towards building a bridge to him or her. If people feel like you see them, hear them, and care about them, they want to be around you.

10. Quality
And finally, people want to be around someone of quality. Are you proud of your accomplishments? Is your family proud of you? Do you strive for excellence in your field of work? Do you get the help you need when you are lost, vulnerable, or floundering? Becoming a person of quality is an inside job, starting with knowing what is important to you, and then, honoring those values.

Think about some of the above ten reasons. After making a few changes, you may soon discover that you are no longer sitting at home alone on Saturday night. You may be busy dating. .

Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is an award-winning author and Master Certified Single’s Coach and Personal Life Coach. Her Savvy Singles column appears every Friday in Online Dating Magazine. You can email Tonja at, visit her website a or, or call 864-294-9494.

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