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Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Jennifer's Gems > 36


JENNIFER'S GEMS
by Jennifer Brown Banks

The Boomerang Boyfriend
(He's Back... Now What?)

I’m not sure what it is, or why it happens. Maybe it’s a “Mars” vs. “Venus” issue. Or perhaps it has something to do with left brained individuals vs. right brained. Perhaps it’s a caper Dr. Jim can crack!

So, here’s the million-dollar question …

Why is it that so many men never seem to “miss the water ‘til the well runs dry?” That they have a retrospective sense of appreciation. (Inquiring minds wanna’ know!)

Is it because “hindsight is 20/20?” Or are they merely acting like hinds? For lack of a more technical term, I call it the “Boomerang Boyfriend Syndrome.”

 

You know. It’s when a breakup happens (usually because a guy can’t quite get things right, or isn’t sure exactly what he wants), and so the woman moves on with her life.

Then, just when she’s recovered and gone on to other pastures, he resurfaces. And most times without warning! Now he’s back on the scene with a renewed sense of appreciation.
And he's pushing all those “old buttons” that only he knows how to push! Then she has a relapse, a setback of sorts. "Maybe things could be different." "Maybe HE’S different this time."

She’s conflicted and caught up! Faced with this dilemma, what’s a girl to do? Well, it all depends. There’s a famous expression that states “If you love something set it free. If it returns it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never really was”.

Sometimes second chances can be smart. (Melanie Griffin and Don Johnson did it. Liz Taylor and Richard Burton did it.) Sometimes they’re downright desperate, or just plain dumb.

Having “been there, done that”… here’s what I’ve figured out and what you should consider:

1. FUTURE RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS DEPENDS ON WHY AND HOW THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED.
For example, if the breakup occurred because you caught him cheating with your best friend, don’t dare open yourself to the possibility of jeopardizing your physical and emotional health! It’s possible that he could have changed this time, but why risk it?

2. IT DEPENDS ON HOW WELL HE TREATED YOU DURING THE RELATIONSHIP
Are there more good memories than bad? Was he a good guy in most respects? While together, were most of your needs being met? These are things to consider.

3. ARE ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DIFFERENT NOW?
For instance, some people just don’t make it due to poor timing: somebody’s on the rebound, or struggling with loss, or a career decision, or immaturity. Ask yourself candidly, If things didn’t work before, why would they work now?

4. IS IT JUST A SEXUAL “DRAW”?
If the glue that is keeping things together is merely physical, it won’t last, and you’ll likely be hurt again.

5. IS YOUR LIFE BETTER WITH HIM IN IT OR OUT?
Do you have more peace and contentment due to the breakup, or do you feel a major void?

6. DOES THE RELATIONSHIP FEEL “FINISHED”?
Did you give it your best? Do you feel he did? Sometimes it’s hard to bring closure if there are residual feelings, or you feel that not enough efforts were made on either party’s part to make it work.

7. HAS ENOUGH TIME ELAPSED TO BE OBJECTIVE?
When a breakup is new, it’s hard to exercise good judgment. Give it a while, (at least a few months), before making deep decisions.

8. ARE FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS FOR A RECONCILIATION OR AGAINST IT?
Sometimes they can see things we can’t, or remember things we choose not to.

9. WHY DOES HE WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER?
Can he express the lessons he learned, or articulate to you what your value to him is now? If not, maybe he’s not quite ready either. You want to make sure that winning you back is not just an “ego thing” with him.

10. CAN YOU AFFORD TO BE WRONG…THIS TIME?
There are clearly times when taking a chance can be a bad gamble. Are you currently in another relationship that has promising potential? Was there abuse in the one with your former ex? In these situations, the “comeback kid” shouldn’t be allowed to come back!

11. WHAT DOES YOUR HISTORY DICTATE?
If he’s pulled this stunt before with unsuccessful results, you need to learn from your past, or no doubt, you’re destined to repeat it!

12. DO YOU DESERVE BETTER?
Then hold on to your solo status and hold out for the real thing!



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Jennifer's Gems is a weekly column written by award-winning poet and writer, Jennifer Brown Banks. It is published every Wednesday. Click here to read her welcome letter.


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