How I Became My Own "Relationship Expert"
(8 Ways You Can Too)

You can read all the relationship books on the market; I have. From Dr. Joyce Brothers’ “How to Get Everything you Want out of Life”, to “Men are from Mars”, to “How to Catch and Keep the Man of your Dreams,” to “The Rules”, to the “Idiot’s Guide to Healthy Relationships,” and everything in between.

You can consult the “stars”. I have. My zodiac chart reveals, that as a “water-sign”, I ‘m most compatible with Scorpio, Virgo, and Taurus.

You can get worldly wisdom from your mom (that’s a whole different article all together!).

But at some point in life, as daunting of a task as it may seem to be, you will have to become your own “relationship expert.” For the sake of sanity and self-preservation.
Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I met with a potential client to explore the possibility of writing another relationship column.

As is typical for professional free lancers, I submitted some writing samples online, and he contacted me immediately with expressed excitement!

He wanted to meet with me in person to discuss specifics, and to welcome me aboard his team. Before we could seal the deal, however, he wanted me to establish how my “credentials” qualified me to write on relationships.

It was a fair concern, I suppose. After all, my college degrees are in business management, (not journalism), and I don’t have initials behind my name as other “authorities” do.

I thought that the fact that I had 15 years publishing experience, with over 300 pieces published in regional and national publications would be enough.

I thought that the fact that I had been published several times by industry giant SIMON AND SCHUSTER would impress him. And that I also teach creative writing!

He wasn’t completely sold.

But as the conversation progressed, I was able to eventually convince him that when it comes to dating and mating, I’m definitely a “reliable resource”!

I won him over by establishing that there is much to be said for “life experience training.”

In fact, many universities now award actual college credit to students who are able to prove by portfolio or test passing, that they have mastery of a particular subject area, even if they’ve not obtained it through traditional classroom methods.

As such, I have a Ph. D. from the school of hard-knocks!
Truth is, there are very few romantic arenas I haven’t stepped into in my own personal life; thereby giving me first-hand knowledge, (and hindsight vision) of the issues I address in my columns.

So let’s just say I’ve learned a few things, because I’ve lived a few things. Not to mention, I have what I believe to be a “divine” gift.

And as time has evolved, through trial and error, I have happily become my own relationship expert. (Which does not mean that my dealings are always drama free, or that my decision making is perfect.)

Nobody can boast those types of results! Still…

Here's how you can become your own "expert" too:

1) IF IT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD, DON’T DO IT!
When medical doctors prescribe medication for what ails us, they typically take into consideration our medical history, allergies, general health, and other factors. What might be good for you, might be hazardous to me! The same applies to dating and mating “remedies.”

Be true to yourself. Don’t submit to silly strategies or do things that are in conflict with your value system, regardless to what “expert” recommends it!

2) GO WITH YOUR GUT
You know, that little voice inside that lets you know when something just doesn’t feel right despite outer appearances.

3) KNOW YOURSELF
What turns you on? What ticks you off? For example, I don’t care what studies show, I am spiritually drawn and rooted to “nice guys.” Which doesn’t mean that I don’t like a challenge, or that looks are not a factor in my romantic decisions. But, most importantly, a guy has to be genuinely and consistently nice to ultimately “win me over” and keep me.

4) LEARN FROM PAST MISTAKES
As an accounting teacher used to say to us in class, “it’s okay to be stupid, just don’t stay stuck there!” Be discerning, and chronicle your journey for future reference in a dating diary.

5) PAY ATTENTION TO A POTENTIAL MATE’S LONG-TERM ACTIONS AS WELL AS WORDS
(recognize that all men are nice in the beginning). The issue is whether his kindness is “for show” or “for sure”.

6) TAKE “OWNERSHIP” OF YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL HEALTH.
Stop the blame game. No one knows you better, or has as much vestige in your happiness as you do!

7) WHEN MAKING ROMANTIC DECISIONS, USE YOUR HEAD AS WELL AS YOUR HEART.
Learn to intellectualize love.

8) PRAY
Because the “creator” is the ultimate “authority’!

Special Note: Sometimes objectivity and professional training are required. Do seek professional, qualified assistance for “major” relationship issues such as abuse, addiction, infidelity, depression, pre-marital counseling, and crises situations.

As always, I am committed to helping you love better, so you can live better!

Until next time...

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Jennifer's Gems is a weekly column written by award-winning poet and writer, Jennifer Brown Banks. It is published every Wednesday. Click here to read her welcome letter.