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JENNIFER'S
GEMS
by Jennifer Brown
Banks
Intimate
Encounters
(Why Sleeping
Your Way to Mr. Right is Probably Wrong)
“Look deep before you leap.”
~
Judge
Mablean Ephram
In
many ways, life can be compared to a classroom experience.
By its very nature, life imparts valuable lessons
we learn through trial and error (particularly when
it comes to matters of the heart).
For
example, here are some morsels
of wisdom I’ve picked
up from the school of hard
knocks:
1)
I don't need a man to be fully realized or to live
a full life. But having a man (a good one) brings
a joy unparalleled!
2.
Marital status does not determine happiness. You
can be just as lonely being married as being single
(depending upon the circumstances).
3.
At some point, you have to start making decisions
as much from an intellectual standpoint as an emotional
one, when choosing a partner. Think of it as a business.
4.
Knowing "how" to find love is just as important as
knowing "where" to find it.
5. "Bad
boys" played out for me when 8-track tapes did!
6. Every relationship should have boundaries. The
expression that "we teach people how to treat us" is
very true.
7.
When it comes to dating and mating, for me character
is more important than cuteness.
8. A man who can cook, is kind, and is intellectually
inclined, can have my heart.
9. In love and life, you reap what you sow.
10.
Physical intimacy can often cloud judgment, and
make a bad relationship last longer than it should.
11.
Maturity is not always about age. I’ve dated
younger guys who were very “grown-up” and
older ones who acted like adolescents.
Of
all the lessons that we as women master along the
way, lesson #10 seems to present
the most difficulty. Here’s
a case in point. In September,
one of my girlfriends called
me to share that she had just
slept with a guy she had been
dating for a few months. “Should
I bring up commitment?” She
asked. She
felt embarrassed and awkward about bringing
up the issue.
I
didn’t
want to sit in judgment of “Vesta”.
She’s a kind, fun, free-hearted
soul, who deserves a good guy.
But frankly, I was surprised
at her naivety, for a woman
in her thirties. If
she didn’t know where
she stood with this man before
they went to bed, having sex
would only add more madness
to the mix! But like many other
women, she saw sex as a way
of beating out the competition,
and solidifying the relationship.
Bad move.
Fast
forward… The
relationship doesn’t
go the distance, and she’s
left with a broken heart and
a broken spirit. She’s
resentful. Sound familiar?
Let’s face it, love is
a crapshoot. Even with the
best interpersonal skills,
the best intentions, and the
best circumstances. People
grow apart. Needs change. Men
pretend. The timing is wrong.
There are simply no guarantees.
But, “savvy” sisters
recognize that there’s
a much greater chance for lasting
love and long-term compatibility,
when appealing to a man’s
heart over his hormones.
There
are no short cuts to real romance.
Although sex may
get you in the door, it won’t
keep you there if other needs
and desires are not fulfilled; or if the relationship
is not built on a solid foundation.
Think about it. How many times
have you held high hopes with
a guy you had amazing chemistry
with, only to have things fizzle
out fast, or to discover he
was a real jerk?! With that
being said… here are some other things to consider
before intimacy becomes an issue:
» AIDS
and STDs are
on the rise.
» Pregnancy
is always a possibility. Is the guy you're sleeping
with (or considering sleeping with) really "daddy"
material?
» Bitterness
and emotional burnout are inevitable amidst a series
of bad romantic experiences (and quality men are
rarely attracted to bitter women).
» Sex
clouds judgment and keeps some of us "stuck on stupid".
» A
night of passion can have a lifetime of repercussions.
» Not
all relationships merit a deep level of intimacy.
Make sure that it at least stands the test of time
and a few tough times as well.
Know that if you feel you're worth waiting for, that
the "right" man will too.
What’s
the right time for intimacy? It
varies for each individual
and his or her circumstances.
But one thing’s for sure:
Sleeping your way to “Mr.
Right” almost always
comes at a price. Decide what
you’re willing to pay.
> Perfectmatch.com - The best approach to find the one.
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Jennifer's
Gems is a weekly column written by award-winning
poet and writer, Jennifer
Brown Banks. It is published
every Wednesday. Click
here to read
her welcome letter.
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