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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
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Online Flames | Drinking and Online Dating
Quick
Access:
How Many Online Flames?
Surfing Dating Sites While Under the Influence
How many online “flames” is
it okay to have at once?
It depends on
what you mean by “flame.” For
example, if you mean a casual girlfriend or boyfriend
then in my opinion it’s perfectly fine to play
the field – as long as everyone knows what’s
going on. Now if “flame” entails some type
of relationship with overtones of commitment or a deeper
bond, then I’d say you’re playing with
fire. I know few people who are okay with their “partner” having
multiple serious or casual boyfriends or girlfriends.
There are likely to be people who are okay with it
as long as they are aware – but I sure don’t
know many of them! It’s hard for anyone to speak
out against an agreement or understanding between two
consenting adults, but seriously courting more than
one person at once is a rather predictable recipe for
disaster.
Should I drink alcohol while surfing the
online dating scene?
Remember my motto – “in matters of the
heart, use your head.” So, my response to this
question would be to turn it around and ask you, “Does
drinking alcohol help you use your head more or less
in matters of the heart?”
To be sure, moderate alcohol use is fine. In fact,
the reduced inhibitions and relaxation that alcohol
can provide may actually help some people feel more
eat ease and confident in interacting with others.
However, it would sure be a sign of a problem if a
person needed to use alcohol or any substance as a
crutch in flirting or socializing.
I should also mention
that over the last decade research into the effects
of alcohol has revealed some interesting
health benefits for moderate drinkers. Alcohol has
been found to reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer's
disease and other forms of dementia and it increases
cardiovascular health by inhibiting the formation of
blood clots and by increasing the production of “good
cholesterol.” Some compounds found in alcohol,
especially red wine, have also been found to have positive
effects on the heart and blood vessels and reduce the
risk of certain degenerative eye diseases. Now, don’t
get any wise ideas from all of this. If you’re
a person who gets drunk almost every night and consumes
the equivalent of five or more drinks per night, or
if you rarely drink but get really drunk when you do,
you’ll probably never experience the benefits
of alcohol in moderate amounts.
Okay, now back to the question I posed
to you, “Does
drinking alcohol help you use your head more or less
in matters of the heart?” For some, an occasional
drink may be just fine. For others, it may actually
hinder your romantic agenda. We’re all pretty
familiar with the long-term effects of heavy alcohol
use like loss of appetite, vitamin deficiencies, stomach
ailments, skin problems, sexual impotence, liver damage,
heart and central, and nervous system damage memory
loss. None of those symptoms enhance a relationship,
and those are just the biological effects. The social
and financial effects can be equally as devastating.
However,
what you may not fully realize is that the short-term
effects of alcohol can also interfere with your ability
to connect with some one online in a meaningful way.
For instance, the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol & Drug
Information (NCADI) lists some of the short-term effects
of alcohol as being:
» distorted
vision, hearing, and coordination
» altered
perceptions and emotions
» impaired
judgment
Those
effects also aren’t particularly
conducive for successful online (or offline) interaction,
bonding,
or decision making in any context – much less
in matters of the heart. Online dating is often fast
paced, full of emotion, encourages a feeling of impulsivity,
and requires good verbal and written skills. Generally
speaking and depending on the amount, alcohol use doesn’t
mix well with those circumstances. But, only you know
how much alcohol you consume when you “drink
while online.” Just be mindful of your goals
and agenda while using online dating and what attitudes
and behaviors of yours might sabotage those goals.
Please, please remember my motto – “in
matters of the heart, use your head.”
> Perfectmatch.com - The best approach to find the one.
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