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Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James Houran, Ph.D

In this column, "Dr. Jim" honestly and candidly answers your questions about dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell you what you want to hear – he tells you what you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering you guidance based on responsible clinical practice and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration in an upcoming issue.

The Dating Habits of Men

Quick Access:
Male Dating Habits

Dating Habits of Men – Part 2

What if he introduces you to his friends—a test or just being polite?

Could be either; it depends on the circumstances. Mostly this is a good sign if he touches you (holds your hand or puts his arm around you) while he makes the introduction. You can usually tell in his voice and mannerisms whether he positions you and him as a “couple” when he makes the introduction or if he portrays you more as a friend.

What if he says he’s mentioned you to his family members—idle conversation or is he trying to tell you he likes you?

He could be lying about this just to gauge your reaction and see if you have told your family about him. Remember, guys fish for compliments all the time (probably more than women) as well as fish for information on where they stand with you. But if he sincerely did mention you to his family, that is typically a sign that he thinking of you as long-term relationship material.

What’s with making off-handed remarks about doing things together—like “Oh, we’ll have to see that movie sometime!”--and then not following up?

More ambivalence! But, from my experience working with men I find this usually reflects the fact that the man is fishing for feedback from the woman. It’s wrongly assumed in our society that men take the lead and pace a relationship. Research reveals that women actually set the pace by giving “stop and go” signals. These signals are so powerful that men will approach a less physically attractive woman over a more physically attractive if the less attractive woman gives “go” signals” and the attractive woman does not. So, women should always give immediate feedback to men when they make offhanded comments or vague plans – it might well be the case that the man is trying to come across as casual as a defense mechanism against rejection from you. Therefore, women should take the lead and follow up with such as:

Man: “Oh, we’ll have to see that movie sometime!”

Woman: “What a great idea for this weekend, if you’re free to take me”

Here, the woman plays to the man’s ago (“great idea’) and then she takes the lead by signaling interest and offering a specific time for a date (“this weekend if you’re free to take me”). If the man is truly interested, he’ll jump on the opportunity and make the date. If he’s being coy or gamey, then he’ll still show ambivalence. In this case, it’s best the woman not hold her breath to see that movie with him!

What about the habit of talking about the dating life in general—things like “Geez, sometimes it seems like there’s no one normal out there, huh?”

This is a lot like the above. Most of the time in these situations the guy is feeling out the woman for a compliment or he is trying to create an opportunity with her. He’s looking for her to say something back that gives him a proverbial foot in the door. Other times, but more rarely in my experience, the guy is trying to tell the woman that he’s not interested by making an impersonal remark that he hopes she will read between the lines.

Related Links
Dating Habits of Men (Part 1)
Dating Habits of Men (Part 3)

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