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Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In
this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
Fake
Online Dating Ad Exposes Lover's True Intents
Quick
Access:
No talk of future - when
is the right time?
I read your response to
the question of having
more than one online "flame" at
a time and absolutely agree with you.... it's
all in being open and honest about what you expect
from online dating and the beginning of new relationships. Usually,
I take it slow and I tell guys that I'm “getting
to know a few people right now.”
I'm
a 39 y/o female who met a man via an online personals
site four months ago. This guy was different! I
wanted to take him exclusively after spending five
mins. with him. We have a ton in common and hit
it off right away. We emailed daily for weeks and
then met in person for the perfect first date.
Conversation was fun and never stopped. We didn't
want to say good-night!
Even
though he works long hours and lives a good 60
miles from me (in SoCal), he calls and drives up
every Friday or Saturday. I have also driven to
see him a few times on the weekend, as well (making
some entire weekends spent together). I have not "chased" this
man and felt that his calling me and driving up to
see me after working a 12 hrs. day and a two hour commute
was "proof" that he was really serious
about me. He also attended a friend’s 30th
birthday party with me four days after our first date,
which said that he didn't mind meeting people in
my life.
We
became sexually intimate just over a month ago.
Again, we are HIGHLY compatible there, too! However,
that seems to be as far as we go. There is no talk
of "future", no meeting his
friends or family, and what's worse is that he doesn't
seem to want to spend any time with my teen-aged
son. When I mentioned "....if you ever meet my
parents...blah blah" he actually looked away
from me and I had the sense that he had no intention
of meeting my family. Also, we talked about taking
our ads down when we began sleeping together. I took
mine down, but he didn't. I didn't say anything to
him, but I sort of watched his once or twice a week
and it seemed like he was checking in daily.
Last
week, I set up a fake ad and emailed him. He was
all over "me" and wants to meet even though
I made sure the fake me had little in common with
him and was very rude. He told "her" he's
not dating anyone, hasn't found anyone worth dating
from the site, wants to find one woman and his perfect
woman would have a lot in common with him.
I'm
totally crushed and don't know what to do. We never
had a talk about US and our future. I mean, it's
only been four months, but I assumed that we had
something. Is it worth talking about now, or should
I just call it quits?
For
future reference, how and when does one bring up
the seriousness of a potential partners intent?
I always feel like if I ask that right away, I'm
assuming a lot. What if after a few months, I find
that we don't have a lot in common? So, I wait,
let things develop and always seem to get burned.
Feel free to edit my long email, but I hope you
have some advice because I've been doing the online
dating thing for nearly 10 years with very little
to show for it but a badly twisted sense of how
to set boundaries?
I
wanted to reproduce this entire
question, because it concerns
exactly what I was talking
about in a previous
article I
feel for this person, because
she is dealing with a lot at
once: A jerk, a strenuous dating
life and a twisted mindset
(according to her).
First
and foremost, drop the jerk. For
whatever reason, he can’t
bring himself to be honest
with you and to commit to you.
In my opinion, there’s
really nothing to be gained
from trying to make it work
with this guy. That’s
not an invitation to be mean
or vindictive; just break it
off and get some closure on
this episode. Once that’s
done, give yourself from time
off from serious online dating
and spend that time taking
stock of yourself.
I
say this because dating sounds painful
to you from what I’ve
read here. Dating should be
fun and productive, but you
describe it like you’re
struggling with a dead-in,
unfulfilling job. Like job
burnout, you might have dating
burnout. Take a break from
it to gain perspective. I suspect
your desire for a committed
relationship is so strong that
it clouds your attitudes and
behaviors – it may well
be sabotaging your dating life.
If you can’t enjoy the
process of dating, then I doubt
you’ll enjoy the results
you gain from dating.
I
recommend that you approach dating as
a fun adventure rather than
a time-sensitive chore to find
a life partner. If you go in
with heavy expectations about
outcomes, your happiness will
always be tied to the presence
or absence of those outcomes.
In short, you’ll make
yourself sick. It’s okay
and natural to look for a person
with whom you can establish
a committed relationship, but
approach online (and offline)
dating with fewer expectations.
Your goal should be to have
fun learning about other people
and playing the field. If you
feel you have something with
another person, don’t
push the relationship card.
Instead, simply acknowledge
that your feelings are telling
you to explore the origin of
those feelings more – are
you feeling physical chemistry,
deep friendship, admiration
for a person, etc. Feelings
are often times best if they’re
labeled and used as markers
for continued action and exploration.
Don’t give in to what
your body tells you; love ios
great but it is blind. When
we’re under the spell
of early stages of love it’s
all too easy to lose ourselves
and to act without really thinking
of the ramifications. Rather,
use your head and enjoy the
sensations. Let a relationship
develop naturally; don’t
force it. And don’t jump
in bed right away, if at all
in the early stages.
Have
fun and gain fulfillment from simply
feeling the excitement of love
and attraction and the natural
progression of events. Ask
a lot of questions and share
a lot about yourself and what
you want out of life. Seize
and enjoy the process, not
just the destination – which
in your case seems to be the
desire to gain a committed
relationship. If you start
feeling like the time is right
to talk about taking the relationship
to the next level, then it’s
absolutely fine to ask the
other person and work out what
that means. You have one set
of expectations when something
happens in a relationship (like
physical contact, meeting the
others friends or family, moving
in together, etc.), but those
may not mirror the expectations
or assumptions from the other
person. It’s crucial
to talk about the meaning of
what happens in a relationship,
so there are no surprises to
either of you. So don’t
be shy to bring up commitment
if the time is right.
How
do you do this? Do it in a way
that’s natural for you,
but don’t push the concept
on the person and leave it
as a topic that you both need
to explore together. Something
like this: “It seems
we’ve the passed the
holding hands and kissing stage,
huh? To me, this usually means
that two people are headed
towards a committed relationship.
Is that what we both had in
mind at this point?” An
approach likes this doesn’t
put all the burden on one person
to decide anything, and it
keeps the outcome ambiguous
and up for negotiation. And
it keeps your own expectations
and assumptions in check. Once
you know where you stand and
where the other person stands,
then you’re in a position
to make an informed decision
about taking the relationship
to the next level – whatever
a couple decides that means.
> Perfectmatch.com - The best approach to find the one.
<
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