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Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In
this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
Drawing
Conclusions | Internet Relationships | Different
Types of Love
Quick
Access:
Drawing Conclusion with
Little Information
Do Internet Relationships Really Work?
Are There Different Types of Love?
To me, online dating is
a lesson in critical thinking and the tricks our
minds play on us. I think the big lesson is to accept “randomness” – not
to draw conclusions on too little data, as we're
all prone to do. Can you comment about the need to “accept
randomness” – unless you disagree? Actually,
I completely agree. One of my main pieces of advice
is “in matters of the heart, use
your head.” People are hardwired to shun ambiguity
and to attempt to make sense of limited amounts of
data. Generally speaking, these tendencies are adaptive
and help us make quick decisions. However, sometimes
we miss crucial details in trying to see the big
picture. People definitely need to accept a degree
of randomness and show flexibility and openness as
they search for a partner, date and get to know others.
Dating is as much about self-discovery and acceptance
as it is about discovering and accepting the personal
qualities of others .
Do Internet Relationships
Really Work?
That
depends on what you mean by “relationships.” Obviously
people use online dating sites for different reasons – some
want to find friends, some want to indulge in the
fantasy of cyber-interactions, some want casual sex
partners and others want to find a soul mate.
People
can and do form genuine and lasting relationships
of all kinds via the web (see
my article here),
but long-term, serious romantic relationships are
an illusion if the connection is purely digital.
Couples contemplating a deeper, intimate bond must
at some point meet offline and continue to nurture
the relationship in the real world. Otherwise, the
relationship is the computer equivalent of a pen
pal (even couples where one is being incarcerated
can often have in-person meetings and even conjugal
visits).
Romantic
relationships that are started and kept going exclusively
on the Internet work only as long as the two people
understand that the relationship is really nothing
more than a fantasy or superficial diversion.
Are there different types
of love?
Yes
there are, and this gets rather academic so bear
with me. There are at least different varieties to
describe and some are healthier than others:
Eros: This
is an intense, fleeting love of an ideal beauty and
attraction, fueled by one’s biochemistry,
and that which is tactile and immediate. Eros love
is based on physical appearance (e.g., notions of “my
type”), sensuality and perfection. It is a
passionate type of love, which involves a powerful
attraction to the desired partner, physically, sexually
and emotionally(1). An erotic lover gets caught up
in a partner’s every detail, especially that
person’s feel and touch and wants to know this
person on every level. The individual has a craving
for total union with the other, one that’s
exclusive and enduring. The erotic lover is open
and honest about his/her love and seeks a profound,
harmony with the partner in every sense, including
self-disclosure(2). This lover
is confident about the relationship and willing to
become committed. Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud considered
this love to be fundamentally libido/pleasure driven,
rooted in the sexual and erotic, which then manifests
itself from an instinctual desire into more socially
accepted forms of creativity and higher expressions
of love.
Philia: This is a non-sexual love between friends.
Agape
or Altrustic: This is a spiritual, gentle, “brotherly” love – the
love of saints and martyrs - that is more abstract
and ideal that real. Ideals of traditional Christian
love is a good example of this love type, with one
making efforts to be chaste, patient, supportive,
giving, forgiving and undemanding. An agape lover
feels alive and unselfishly devoted to the relationship,
and is concerned for the beloved’s welfare
and needs first and foremost. Loving sentiments are
seen by these individuals as a duty, including giving
up the relationship if it is in a partner’s
best interest. These lovers are rare, because they
routinely put partners’ needs and desires above
their own.
Storge: This is a genuine attachment and companionate love,
full of peaceful, enchanting affection and trust.
Of a caring, stable, enduring nature, it usually
begins slowly with friendship and then gradually
deepens, offering an enduring space of patience and
tolerance. If this love does end, then it tends to
do so gradually.
Mania: This
is an intense, possessive love, where one is obsessed,
preoccupied, dependent upon and excited with the
experience of love and the beloved. This love type
is rooted in pathology, deprivation, deficiency and
frustration of needs. Fixated, illogical and delusional,
often to the point of madness or imbecility, the
manic lover suffers from preoccupation with the beloved,
sleepless nights, and days of pain, jealousy and
anxiety. It’s difficult to focus on daily tasks
because of fascination with the love object. Characterized
by a sense of desperation and insecurity, this lover
is in need of regular reassurance. The slightest
indication of affection from the object of one’s
affections sends this lover into ecstasy. Neuroticism
is more highly correlated with this love style than
with others(3).
Ludus: This is a playful, casual, carefree and often careless
love where love is a game, contest or conquest. Does
this sound familiar? A ludus lover doesn’t get too deeply involved, is not committed
to a single individual and prefers not to see a partner
too often. Intimate bonds may involve sexual sharing,
though this love often involves exploitation, manipulation
and playing one lover against the other, with the
ludus lover detached, distant and aloof.
Pragma: This is a practical love, often with a sensible,
careful and business-like approach. These lovers
are looking for a partner to fit their needs and
use logic in identifying them, e.g., having similar
education levels or interests. Desired partners are
to reflect on this lover’s career or family.
Devotional: This
is the love for God, country and institutions.
References:
(1)
Montgomery, M.J., & Sorell, G.T. (1997). Differences
in love attitudes across family life stages. Family
Relations, 46, 55-61.
(2)
Hendrick, S.S., & Hendrick,
C. (1987). Love and sexual attitudes, self-disclosure
and sensation seeking. Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, 4, 281-297.
(3)
Lester, D., & Philbrick,
J. (1987). Correlates of styles of love. Personality
Individual Differences, 9, 689-690.
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