Dating Triumphs and Tragedies
by Nicole Roberge

The Kiss of Guac
To Kiss or Not to Kiss

Most people greatly anticipate that kiss at the end of the night. They think about it, wait for it, enjoy it, and after it finally comes, think about it for hours afterwards. But my friend “Kono” (name has been changed to protect “Kristy”) is another story.

She has a male friend who is quite smitten with her and though she thinks that he is a nice guy, she just doesn’t like him that way. And she has been out with him a few times and he always goes in for that kiss. She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, so the girl has begun to come up with excuses not to kiss him.

The first time, it was that she had to go make guacamole.

Yes, you heard me right.
But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that she orchestrated the whole thing. She had her friend call her around the time she knew he’d be going in for the kiss to say, “it’s time to make the guacamole.” Then Kono said, “I have to go make guacamole!” And she was out of there—kissless! But she said the guac was quite tasty.

The next time, I can kind of understand, because I too am quite fond of Patrick Dempsey in scrubs.

They were in the car.

He leaned in.

She caught sight of the clock.

Kono: “I have to go! Grey’s Anatomy is on!”

And she was out of there and cozying up with Dr. Derek Shepherd before the poor guy had even left her driveway.

For all the complaining us single gals do about wanting a nice guy, why is that we go so far out of our way to avoid the nice ones that come along? Of course, he wasn’t right for my buddy Kono, so it doesn’t make sense to stick with him just because we do want a nice guy. I’m sure Mr. Guacamole is right for someone, though, no worries.

But I guess that it does happen where people get into situations where they are with someone who they don’t want to be with, yet they don’t want to hurt that person’s feelings. So instead of telling them straight out—I don’t want to kiss you—they make up silly excuses. So for the next time you find yourself in that situation, sitting awkwardly in the car, thinking about making guacamole while watching Grey’s Anatomy, I have compiled a list of Excuses Not to Kiss A Person. Use wisely (and sparingly):

» My favorite telemarketer is calling me tonight!

» I have a lip phobia. Teeth, too. In fact, the general mouth area, I’m afraid of.

» It’s 10 pm, time to wash my roommate’s feet.

» So I don’t exactly believe in brushing my teeth…

» This new gum, it’s fish flavor, you have to try it!

» Time to organize my garbage collection.

Okay, okay, and what if you do want him to kiss you? I suppose that’s a possibility, and that if maybe my buddy Kono there had been with a more appropriate suitor, she wouldn’t have been jumping at the chance to make guac. So here are a couple ways to possibly get him to pucker up:

» Yummy tasting lip-gloss. Always does the trick. The smell reels them in, the taste entices, and then hopefully, you can take it from there.

» Tell him there’s a drop of Bud left on your lip.

» Real desperate? Prompt mouth to mouth, just hope he knows it and doesn’t call on someone else, like his smelly little brother…or sister. Or grandmother.

With any luck, the date went well, there’s a little chemistry, and you are both on the same page that you want to kiss each other and that you don’t need any little tricks to do it. That first kiss (and second, and third…) is important, but not the most important thing, so even if it doesn’t go well, or the way you imagined it, no worries. Have a little guacamole and call it a night. There’s always next time, and hey, practicing is the fun part.

And on that note, I have to go. Grey’s Anatomy is on. Yes, I know it’s summer and they are reruns. And no, I’m not even avoiding anyone’s kiss. It’s just that damn Dr. Shepherd.

Dating Triumphs and Tragedies is published every Sunday by Online Dating Magazine columnist Nicole Roberge. She can be reached at NicoleMRoberge@hotmail.com.

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