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Dating Triumphs and Tragedies
by Nicole Roberge

Wash 'N' Go

“I could shampoo it, you know?” he said.

“Excuse me?” I replied. Had I just heard that right? Was it another awkward first-date blunder?

“Your hair. It’s pretty and long. I’d like to shampoo it sometime. Give you a nice head massage. Would you like that?” No, I wouldn’t, you weirdo. And he had seemed so normal. Thank goodness for public restaurants. Check, please!

Where do they come from? These men that seem so charming and sweet and get you all excited for these first dates and the possibilities that might come after them? Then they hit you with something like, “I could be your Mr. Bubbles,” and it’s like, is it me? It has to be, right? Could it be the town I live in? Can I really keep blaming it on that? I think…yes. For now. I’m still getting over this. Give me a break, okay?



But I do have to wonder what these men are thinking sometimes. Are they just weird, or is it first date nervousness? Are they that open with their sensuality and how they want to crawl into a bubble bath already, or are they just into primitive grooming? Perhaps they have just watched too many Herbal Essences commercials. Whatever the case may be, I am still washing my own hair.

If it is just a combination of his bizarre behavior and my bad radar, then it was just a bad date. We have all had them and we usually look back and cringe or laugh. I do both. This guy seemed okay until that point, but it was like, once he made that comment, it all came out. It opened the doors for his general weirdness to come flowing through. And since I tried not to seem too skittish about his shampoo comment, just passing it off with a witty comment about how he wouldn’t want to shampoo my hair because it gets tangled easily, it only further fueled his oddities. Rubber duckies to duck ponds to the Mighty Ducks. My, service was slow that night.

“I collect bouncy balls. Maybe you could see my collection sometime.” I don’t think so. I swear, he was so normal! You know you’ve been out with this guy too. Maybe not the same one, but you’ve been out with “him.”

Maybe it was first-date nervousness. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. I know I have let a few things slip before that just sounded purely stupid. Like telling long-winded stories that are “so funny” that, wait, no, they’re not funny, why would you say that? Sometimes you get so caught up in your nervousness that you think talking will do the trick, calm you down and if you just talk, eventually, something will come out that makes sense. Not a good plan.

I once told a guy a twenty-minute story about how I didn’t like lobster because my Mom used to chase me with it. Now, not only did he think I’m weird, he thought my Mom was weird. Then I had to explain that we’re not and that it was just because I didn’t like lobsters and because my Aunt had worked in a restaurant and she had brought out the lobsters ahead of time and I felt bad for the lobsters because they killed them and I was only like seven and it made me sad and one time I was holding my brother and I almost dropped him because I thought the lobster was going to get me…telling this to a dumbfounded expression just staring back at me. Why? I don’t know. I need a muzzle. Yup, folks, this girl—still single.

But no matter how bad I am, I wouldn’t tell a guy I wanted to trim his nose hairs on a first date. Or any date. Ever. Nervous or not, first date blunders are awkward. If you like the guy and you know it’s just nervousness, you can work around it. Accept it for what it is—he’s nervous because he likes you. Be flattered. It’s sweet. He feels awkward because he wants to make a good impression in front of you. Which means that instead, he’s going to make an absolutely terrible impression in front of you. Which is cute. What’s not cute is when he starts telling you how he can’t wait to search your feet for corns.

The next time Mr. Bubbles calls for a date, I’ll just tell him, “Not tonight, I’ll busy…washing my hair.”

Dating Triumphs and Tragedies is published every Sunday by Online Dating Magazine columnist Nicole Roberge. She can be reached at

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