Dating Tips Advice Column:
Married, but in Love with Friend

Dear Dating Tips,
I am a 30-year-old female married for eight years with kids and my male friend is a 38-year-old male that has been married for two years. We have been friends for three years and we trust each other. We were getting closer and closer to the point that I ended up telling him how I felt about him. He was shocked and felt sorry for me, because we are both married. As time went on, he reached the point where he was upset at me and told me he was not interested in me. I wasn't mad at him at all and I told him that I would still love him the way I used to.

As time went on, he noticed that I still loved him as a friend. We decided not to talk as many times as we used to in order to avoid getting into a sexual relationship. To my surprise, he is the one who started it again. He is now “interested in me”. It didn't take us too long to get back to where we were before. Now it seems like now we can't control ourselves. The two of us know we are in love, but neither one of us wants to say it first. We are scared to tell each other. We have never cheated before and it's scary to us. Keep in mind we don't want to put our marriages in jeopardy. The issue is between the two of us.

My question is, if he couldn't do it before, what makes him do it now? Why has his mind changed now?

I appreciate your help. ~ Confused

Dear Confused,
I would like to emphasize two statements you made in your question:

1) "We have never cheated before."

2) "We don't want to put our marriages in jeopardy."

You have a lot of confusion because you are in a marriage with kids, but in love with another man.

While it would be easy to just say what you are doing is wrong and you need to concentrate on your marriage, the simple fact is that there are feelings involved in this that can cause you to react impulsively. And they are not feelings that you can just turn on and off at any moment. So this creates quite the dilemma for you.

By both of you exploring your feelings for each other, you are, in effect, breaking apart your own marriage and vows to be faithful. You put the idea into his head awhile back and he rejected the idea because he was faithful to his marriage. But the seed had been planted and once his marriage became perhaps too routine, that seed blossomed and he decided to see what would happen by reciprocating the feeling to you.

Even though you like/love this guy, I truly think that in your heart you want to remain faithful to both your husband and your kids. And that may be hard for you because you may see your marriage as dull and your feelings for your friend as something "new and exciting" to explore. You possibly yearn for that same feeling you had when you were dating your now husband.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It is something that does happen in quite a few marriages after time goes by (looking for something new and exciting). You may have found your friend was there for you when your husband wasn't and the interaction/chemistry you have with him has resulted in feelings that betray your marriage. But you haven't physically betrayed your marriage yet, and it's important that you don't if you are serious about the vows you took and if you really meant what you said - "We don't want to put our marriages in jeopardy."

You need to search deep within your soul and decide what is most important to you - your marriage and kids or your growing feelings for your friend that is also married. It's not fair to either of your spouses that you continue to explore these feelings while married. You would, after all, be angered if you found out your husband was exploring similar feelings with another woman.

My advice to you is to cut off communications with your friend (hard to do, I know) and put a renewed focus in trying to bring back the chemistry and feelings you have for your husband.

I'm providing for you a link to am article that I think are good on the subject of rekindling the romance in your marriage. I hope you find it insightful and useful.

Secrets to Rekindling Romance and Passion in Your Marriage - by Dr. John Gray

Perhaps you may want to start by planning a "surprise date" for your husband. Be sure to interact your interests with his. Arrange for a babysitter and let him know in advance that you are taking him on a surprise date (which may intrigue him). Plan something fun where the two of you can interact with each other.

Also, consider little "thoughtful gestures" like leaving notes where he will find him about things you appreciate about him.

The key here is that when you start to show a renewed interest in your spouse, you may find that he will follow and suddenly you will begin to have those feelings again, like when you first fell in love with him.

You are in a great position to rechannel your feelings for your friend into a creative medium that will take your marriage to a new height. I hope you greatly succeed by going this route. ~ The Dating Tipster

If you have a question for The Dating Tipster, simply email your question to datingtips@onlinedatingmagazine.com. Most questions are answered within 48 hours and your privacy details (i.e. email address) are always kept confidential and never used for any other purpose.

How has your experience with online dating or relationships been? Take a moment to share your experience! Our readers appreciate being able to read, and learn from, the experiences of people like you.