Dating Tips Advice Column:
Married, but in Love with Friend
Dear Dating Tips,
I am a 30-year-old female married for eight
years with kids and my male friend is a 38-year-old male
that has been married for two years. We have been friends
for three years and
we trust each other. We were getting closer and closer
to the point that I ended up telling him how I felt about
him. He was shocked and felt sorry for me, because
we are both married. As time went on, he reached the
point where he was upset at me and told me he was
not interested in me. I wasn't mad at him at all and
I told him that I would still love him the way I used
to.
As time went on, he noticed that I still loved him
as a friend. We decided not to talk as many times as
we used to in order to avoid getting into a sexual
relationship. To my surprise, he is the one who started
it again. He is now “interested in me”.
It didn't take us too long to get back to where we
were before. Now it seems like now we can't control
ourselves. The two of us know we are in love, but neither
one of us wants to say it first. We are scared to tell
each other. We have never cheated before and it's scary
to us. Keep in mind we don't want to put our marriages
in jeopardy. The issue is between the two of us.
My question is, if he couldn't do it before, what
makes him do it now? Why has his mind changed now?
I appreciate your help. ~ Confused
Dear Confused,
I would like to emphasize two statements you made in
your question:
1) "We have never cheated before."
2) "We don't want to put our marriages in jeopardy."
You have a lot of confusion because you are in a marriage
with kids, but in love with another man.
While it would be easy to just say what you are doing
is wrong and you need to concentrate on your marriage,
the simple fact is that there are feelings involved
in this that can cause you to react impulsively. And
they are not feelings that you can just turn on and
off at any moment. So this creates quite the dilemma
for you.
By both of you exploring your feelings for each other,
you are, in effect, breaking apart your own marriage
and vows to be faithful. You put the idea into his
head awhile back and he rejected the idea because he
was faithful to his marriage. But the seed had been
planted and once his marriage became perhaps too routine,
that seed blossomed and he decided to see what would
happen by reciprocating the feeling to you.
Even though you like/love this guy, I truly think
that in your heart you want to remain faithful to both
your husband and your kids. And that may be hard for
you
because
you may see your marriage as dull and your feelings
for your friend as something "new and exciting" to
explore. You possibly yearn for that same feeling you
had when you were dating your now husband.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It
is something that does happen in quite a few marriages
after time goes by (looking for something new and exciting).
You may have found your friend was there for you when
your husband wasn't and the interaction/chemistry you
have with him has resulted in feelings that betray
your marriage. But you haven't physically betrayed
your marriage yet, and it's important that you don't
if you are serious about the vows you took and if you
really meant what you said - "We don't want to put
our marriages in jeopardy."
You need to search deep within your soul and decide
what is most important to you - your marriage and kids
or your growing feelings for your friend that is also
married. It's not fair to either of your spouses that
you continue to explore these feelings while married.
You would, after all, be angered if you found out your
husband was exploring similar feelings with another
woman.
My advice to you is to cut off communications with
your friend (hard to do, I know) and put a renewed
focus in trying to bring back the chemistry and feelings
you have for your husband.
I'm providing for you a link to am article
that I think are good on the subject of rekindling
the romance in your marriage. I hope you find it
insightful and useful.
Secrets
to Rekindling Romance and Passion in Your Marriage - by Dr. John Gray
Perhaps you may want to start by planning a "surprise
date" for your husband. Be sure to interact your interests
with his. Arrange for a babysitter and let him know
in advance that you are taking him on a surprise date
(which may intrigue him). Plan something fun where
the two of you can interact with each other.
Also, consider little "thoughtful gestures" like leaving
notes where he will find him about things you appreciate
about him.
The key here is that when you start to show a renewed
interest in your spouse, you may find that he will
follow and suddenly you will begin to have those feelings
again, like when you first fell in love with him.
You are in a great position to rechannel your feelings
for your friend into a creative medium that will take
your marriage to a new height. I hope you greatly succeed
by going this route. ~ The Dating Tipster
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