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Dating Tips Advice Column:
Crush or Not?

Dear Dating Tips,
I had a crush with my male friend and I told him about it and he wasn't ready at the time since he had someone in his life. That was a year ago. Now my male friend told me he had crush on me and I laughed at him because he didn't agree with me at first. He told me it was his turn now to have a crush on me. I am not sure if he is trying to play me on that one. So far he has changed a lot compared to last year. When I am on the phone with him, he talks about having sex with me. To my surprise he doesn't say he loves me. Is it because he doesn't know how to say it? He knows I don’t believe him, although he is saying he has a crush on me. I find it hard to believe him since he denied it first time when I extended first. He told me he is not joking about this. Thanks for your help ~ Crushed

Dear Crushed,
There's a couple of issues here as I see it. The first is you wanting to know whether or not he had a crush on you back when you had on him. The second is what his current intentions are.

Tackling the first issue, it's really hard to know whether or not he is telling you the truth. The simple fact is at the time you told him you had a crush on him, he was seeing someone else, which likely made things odd for him. Since he was in a relationship at the time, he chose to stay in that relationship to see where it went. Obviously that didn't work out, so he's back at your doorstep telling you that he likes you.

What his current intentions are is also hard to say. The last thing you want to do is start building the foundation of a relationship based solely on sex. So you may be able to test that resolve. If you truly do like him, you may want to tell him that you'd like to move forward with him, but without sex as you desire to see how well you can build the foundation of a relationship first. Now, when some men hear this, they run the other way. That tells you that sex is all he was interested in. Others, who truly desire to get to a know a person better, will respect that wish and will work on establishing a long-term relationship first that is based on mutual communication, understanding, compromise, trust, thoughtfulness, and sincerity.

The other thing to consider is this: if you get into a relationship and it ends up terrible, are you prepared to lose your friendship with this guy? Many friendships can blossom into awesome romances. Likewise, some romances, that started as a friendship, can end up destroying the foundation of the friendship forever.

Obviously, you're not interested in a series of one-night stands with this friend. You seem not to be interested in being a "friend with benefits." So you need to lay down the ground rules for the relationship, if there is to be one.

It seems to me that there is already a trust issue between the two of you. That must be resolved in order for you to move forward. You may benefit from putting the issue of whether or not he had a crush on you behind you. Now it is about whether you want a relationship with this person and whether he is the type of person you feel you can have a successful relationship with. If not, then move on. If so, then tread carefully and try to keep the lines of communication open. Yes, some guys have a hard time expressing their feelings. But do you really want to have sex with someone who hasn't expressed (verbally and non-verbally) a true love and commitment to you?

You may also want to internally explore what your intentions are with this guy. I noticed you mentioned you had a crush on him.

Here's what the book Mars and Venus on a Date says about crushes and attraction:

"...Dating the opposite sex is exciting because we are getting to know not only the opposite sex, but ourselves as well. When we are younger we date not to find a soul mate but to learn about ourselves and explore our feelings of attraction. These feelings of attraction are generally crushes. We may think we love someone, but we are really infatuated. We are thrilled by the anticipation of being with someone, and then when we actually get to know the person we are not so excited. Certainly we are experiencing some genuine attraction, affection, and interest, but it has not yet ripened into real soul love. Going through this process is, however, an important part of preparing to find the right person.

Sometimes, after a relationship fails or if we feel rejected, even if we are much older, we will need to date for a while just to feel good about ourselves as a man or woman. Once we feel secure that we are attractive to the opposite sex, then we are ready to move beyond the first stage of dating and more seriously consider an exclusive relationship..." (Mars and Venus on a Date - John Gray, page 24)

You may want to explore what it is you genuinely want from a potential relationship with this guy. If you see that the goals aren't mutual (i.e. you are looking for a deep meaningful relationship and he is only looking for sex) then you may want to reevaluate your situation.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you. ~ The Dating Tipster

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