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Dating Tips Advice Column:
Dealing with a Break Up and Relationship Closure

Then things started to go down the hill ever since I returned from summer break. He started to go out more, but I would rather spend time with him at home because I had grown out of the clubbing seen. I would tell him to go out with his boys while I spend my weekend with my other roommate. Then eventually, I felt like I wasn't a part of his life and my dissatisfaction with the relationship grew. Our sex life was almost non-existent. In fact, when we would make love, I would try to force the emotion and try to make a connection.

Then winter break begins. Distance didn't help the relationship. I was tired of calling him and so I waited to hear from him. A few days later, I heard from him and was so fed up with the disconnection that I decided to break up with him. I wasn't feeling satisfied. Believe me, I made I clear to him many times before that I want to feel important, not forgotten. But my needs weren't being met.

I read your "Eight warning signs that he is going to end the relationship", #1 and #2 are my reasons and the rest are his. What is my problem? I know the relationship is not healthy for my happiness anymore, so why do I feel so much pain? Did I make a mistake? I didn't break up with him in person; it was over the mail and phone. He moved out and I haven't spoke to him ever since I returned to college.

You know what's funny? If I had received a bouquet of flowers with an apology, I would have forgiven him. I guess I might need closure, but I've always try to avoid him when I see him. He has not tried to make any contact with me directly, although he would tell my roommate to say "hi" to me. I want to see him and make it final, but at the same time, I refuse to see him because I'm afraid that I might be weak again.
~ Needing Closure

Dear Needing Closure,
Thousands of people are dealing with issues of pain involving breakups on a daily basis. And many of these are even the people who instigated the breakup. It is possible to make a strong connection with someone, but not be able to take that connection to the next level due to other circumstances within the relationship. And this causes great difficulty because when you sever the relationship, you are severing the connection. Anytime a close connection is broke, it's painful.

Your story reminds me of the song and music video "White Flag" by Dido. Listen to it and you'll know exactly what I mean.

You obviously still have feelings for this person and that is normal. It takes some people years to get over a breakup. When you form a connection with someone, that connection becomes a part of you. So when that connection is severed, it takes time to get accustomed to being without it.

You've acknowledged a couple of important things about the relationship you had:

1) You didn't feel satisfied.

2) You know the relationship is not healthy for you.

Going back into a relationship with this person likely won't change either point you made. People don't change. And that's why saying goodbye is sometimes the only option, even though the pain of saying goodbye may last for years.

That brings us to the topic of closure.

I once dated a wonderful woman and we had an absolutely great connection. However, like with your situation, there were things within the relationship that prevented it from moving to the next level. The breakup was very hard on both of us.

Nearly two years after the relationship had ended, I received a phone call from this person. She wanted to see me. I agreed. We met and had a good conversation, but that was it. She had just been proposed to and needed to see me one last time in order to bring closure to our past together. At the end of our meeting she gave me a strong hug that lasted for over a minute. That's all she needed to say her final goodbye and move on to a new chapter of her life.

If you feel you need closure then go ahead and request a meeting in order to bring that closure you need and to say your final goodbye. When you're done, move on with your life. Yes, you'll still think of him because deep down there is still something there. That is normal. But the closure may help you move on.

Once you have closure, start to lead a more active life. You may consider volunteering for a good cause. Keeping your life busy keeps your mind busy. In addition, you may meet a great guy in the process. If you're ready to get back into the dating scene, there's no better way to meet another than online dating. And once you've found that gem, cultivate the relationship. Look for someone that will appreciate you always and be sure to show your appreciation to that person. Best of luck to you. ~ The Dating Tipster

For more thoughts on breaking up, read the following past Dating Tips Advice Column post:

» Dealing with Breakup Pain

> Perfectmatch.com - The best approach to find the one. <

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