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Dating Tips Advice Column:
Breaking Up and Resentment

Dear Dating Tips,
My boyfriend of five years and I broke up, mainly because I was working all the time to pay our bills and I resented him because of it. He would get mad because I couldn't go out after working 12 or 14 hours because I was tired. He only worked part time.

I moved out today... but we have talked about getting back together in a few months. Should I get back with him? Should I stay away from him.? Please help. Thank you.
~ Seeking Help

Dear Seeking Help,

I'm sorry that the strain of resentment and work issues took such a toll on your five year relationship. Relationships that long are sometimes very hard to leave.

One thing I was unable to ascertain from your inquiry is why your boyfriend only works part time. Does he go to school? Is he lazy? The reason could have a lot to do with the deeper core issue of your relationship.

For example, if he's lazy and has been for five years and that bothers you to no end then getting back together probably isn't a smart idea. People don't change overnight and most never change.

However, if he goes to school or has another legitimate reason then your resentment may be a bit misplaced and the issue of time management for the two of you should be addressed.

Resentment is a big factor in relationships. When a person starts resenting another for whatever reason then it is a sign of potential bigger problems ahead. Resentment issues need to be worked out real quick before they build into bigger issues.

I once had a girlfriend who lived 45 minutes away. She would drive to see me 2-3 times a week and I'd drive to see her 1-2 times a week. One day, four months into our relationship, we had a disagreement on an issue and out of the blue she said that I wasn't committed to the relationship as much as her because she drove down more times to see me than I drove up to see her and she resented that.

This had never been an issue before and she had allowed her resentment of that to build without ever talking to me about it. Had she brought it up early in our relationship (that it bothered her) then it would have never turned to resentment because I would have changed my schedule to drive up and see her more. But she held it in, resentment built, and our relationship ended shortly thereafter.

Contrast that to another relationship I had with a different girl who lived 45 minutes away. I would drive down to see her 3-4 times a week and she'd drive up to see me once every two weeks. I never once resented her for that and never doubted her love. It wasn't an issue. As a result our relationship blossomed.

Resentment is huge. There is a saying that "love conquers all," but it doesn't conquer resentment unless you get the resentment out of the way.

Right now you resent your boyfriend because you are working hard to pay the bills and he is only working part time. This is a core issue of your relationship problem. Until it is resolved, moving in with him should not be an option. You and he both need to be in a relationship that is resentment-free because you both care about each other and don't want to hurt the other. He wants you to go out with him more. You want him to work more.

The solution seems to be for him to work more, you to work less, and both of you to spend more quality time with each other. If that can't happen then you may be wasting your time moving back in. If it can happen and you can rid yourself of the resentment you had and replace it with admiration then perhaps giving it a second chance is the way to go.

Don't move back in for convenience. Move back in for true love.

~ The Dating Tipster

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