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Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan S. Davis

How Presence Affects Relationships

Being aware, and being “present,” seems like a simple thing, however, surprisingly, many people in our society seem to have difficulty with the practical aspects of it. Take, for example, the inordinate numbers of people who, profess to struggling with ADD, ADHD, and other types of compulsive behaviors that are rooted in, and effect awareness levels. Dating is difficult enough, without adding the burdens of a distracting psychological condition to it.

The ability to confront reality, and live in the moment, is crucial to success in life in any aspect of it. Therefore, one could surmise that being present, is one of the most vital ingredients, a basic tenet of life. Certainly, without being truly present, love cannot happen. Imagine trying to develop and maintain a relationship without being there, whether mentally, spiritually, or physically. Difficult, and, sometimes, next to impossible. In order to develop a positive relationship with anyone or anything, one must be present, and optimally, on all three of the aforesaid levels.


Therefore, it would seem to be necessary, that while contemplating a romantic involvement of any type, you should have first, and foremost, mastered the art of being present.

Since life and love are created by two or more live beings connecting, it is necessary for both parties to be truly present. When one or more is absent from the situation, it is impossible to adequately create what is necessary to establish, let alone, maintain it.

What exactly is “presence?” Best defined as you, the person, being fully aware, and here, in the moment. Simply put, “being here” is best defined as, existing at a certain place, at a certain time, which can span past, present, and future. The more ability a person has to live in the moment, the longer the time span remains. At all times, “being here” includes “now,” and can include spanning a little of the past, all of now, and often, the extended future.

Absence of presence, is lack of life-force, which, fundamentally, can translate to abandonment, aloneness, sabotage, chaos, confusion, substitution, and even hate or destruction. Usually, anyone who is capable of evil, is absent in some way, shape or form. In order for a person to inflict pain, it is usually necessary for them to disassociate from the situation or victim, on a certain level. Looking at it from that perspective, it is easy to see how just the opposite, truly being present, causes positive forces to occur, such as the development of love.

In order to empower an individual or team, it is necessary that all are fully contributing their energy and are present. Just as a team spirit is alive, so is a human being on an individual level. Think of what happens when a team has a distracted individual there; if the others cannot make up for his/her lack of presence, what usually occurs, is the team loses, or suffers some form of detriment as a result.

Just as a team or relationship is alive, so is an individual, and that is where it all begins. When reciprocation is optimum, admiration, and, more intently, love can be present. You cannot truly love someone if you are not present in the situation, fully aware, and exchanging in an awareness.

This profound reasoning, is often overlooked by people in their quest for romantic fulfillment. But if you really think about it, the absence of a person is usually the first sign of disinterest, followed by disconnection. If someone is not fully present, whether mentally, spiritually, or physically, there is a reason for it, whether it is lack of interest, involvement, or a chemically induced reason, such as alcohol or drugs. And the reasons for disconnection are many, ranging from “he or she is just not that into you,” or is resorting to, as previously stated, a form of chemical inducement predicated upon an inability to confront reality (or may even have a medical disorder).

Liveliness, life-force, and love, are generally considered part of the same family, and part of the highest manifestation of presence.

Absence, on the other hand, is the ultimate betrayer of life force, its ramifications often hidden from view. The absence of presence could be viewed as the lowest form of betrayal; since nothing is really more degrading, destructive, or treacherous, than the sheer absence of someone who at one time, was present, presumed to be present, or pretended to be so. Because it often goes undetected, absence can often be a silent destroyer of life and love; nothing exterminates love faster, than absence.

On a deeply spiritual, psychic level, absence could be considered the ultimate form of hatred, since it disassembles, disestablishes and ultimately, undermines, creation, ignoring all standards, principles, and existences. In history, the whole decline of the Gods can be traced back to absenting.

It is absence of spirit, that causes the end of life and love, rather than absence of the form, or absence of the identity. Low mood levels represent low presence of spirit. The lower the mood, the less there is of life and love, thus less spirit.

When a human being goes suddenly absent, it causes huge upsets to the being or beings that are present; they feel betrayed. They are forced to expend more of their own life-force, in order to maintain the relationship, team, or creation.

As an example of the negative causation surrounding absence, being around someone who either is chronically absent, does not desire to be there, or even wishes that you were gone, poses massive unsolvable problems, the most serious of which, is with respect to reciprocation.

The more presence you have, the more life you have, and the more space, time, and energy, is yours to command. Absence reverses all of this, thus all failures of all types, relationships, games, lives, poverty, divorce, bankruptcy, and loneliness - can be traced back to absence. The antidote to most negative situations, is to connect with something within that situation, or, if that is not possible or recommended, outside of it.

Absence of spirit and spiritual values can destroy intelligence, knowledge, power, and abilities. Being connected to an individual, who is chronically absent, can create a huge roller coaster ride. When they are there, life is great, dreams and visions are possible. When they disappear, so do the dreams, aspirations and visions.

Often, as a result of being around someone who is very rarely present, a feeling of hunger will exist, much like an unquenchable thirst. Too much of this, and one can begin to feel either lifeless, and apathetic, or angry. And the resultant negative energy, causes general, continual unhappiness, and sometimes, even hatred.

Basically, true, honest presence, is demonstrated by handling time, delivering what is promised, high mood levels, effectiveness, doing by orders of importance (most important done first), competence, literacy, and strict integrity toward standards and principles.

Alternatively, absence can be observed as a degradation of another’s' time, by being late or not arriving at all; degradation of others' space; not being there or not delivering what was promised; degradation of others' products; being ineffective, late, making the important unimportant and the unimportant important.

A pretense of being there, as well as the failure to acknowledge and appreciate, are also characteristics of absence.

In evaluating dating prospects and relationships of all kinds, it is important to cultivate an ability to be truly present, and realize which individuals are willing to be present along with you. Those that aren’t interested in being present with you, should probably be abandoned, just as you have been by them. If you find yourself becoming uninspired to continue being present, it may be a good idea to look at why. Perhaps it is your spiritual self, talking to you. Perhaps, it is time to turn your attention elsewhere.

Life, as well as love, requires presence and reach, and the pursuit of a relationship, should be attended to by two present individuals. Remembering this, can serve to help distinguish between people who are truly interested in you, and therefore, worth spending the time and energy to create a unifying, bonding, fulfilling union, of whatever type you are interested in having. The happiness of everyone, depends upon the presence of spirit, in the past, present, and future.

Susan S. Davis is a published book author and writer, currently doing research for a romantic screenplay she is writing. Her Dating From The Inside Out column is published every Tuesday.

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