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Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan S. Davis

Spirit Versus Ego Based Dating

Spirit-based personal guidance is defined as an intuitive impulse that comes from an internal mechanism, which is ultimately grounded in goodness, or love.

In contrast, "ego-based" guidance comes from the "smaller self" – and is usually hindered by fear and survival aspects. Therefore, this type of guidance can put a person or others in situations that are less than positive, that can actually lead to detrimental circumstances. Because of this, ego-based guidance is usually not considered genuine, relevant, constructive guidance, since the path it often leads to is, in essence, destructive.

The means by which we may receive guidance are many. Each method is subject to it's own advantages or drawbacks. Some of the ways in which guidance may be received include: The mind’s eye (sometimes compared to a type of clairvoyance); hearing voices through the mind’s ear (or clairaudient - clear hearing) - hearing your own or other’s voices, in the mind's ear (clairsentient - clear feeling) - emotional/physical sensations (claircognizant - clear knowing) and finally, through all of the above channels, also known as clairomni (clear channel).


It is considered that both spirit and ego-based guidance, has an essence that is created from a developed understanding about what is in one’s best interests. In other words, it is believed that both the spirit and ego wish to protect and serve us. However, it is how each type of guidance goes about its service to the individual that differentiates one from the other.

While it is believed that ego-based guidance utilizes the more "tried-and-true" method of keeping one safe and protected, the ego-based way seemingly contains more of the reasons why one shouldn’t, and often simply cannot, proceed to do something.

Spirit-based guidance generally encourages one to take departures from the safer methods of doing things, in order that it is possible to take a path that will be exceedingly more beneficial. As a result, spirit-based endeavors, as a whole, are usually far more care-based, leaving a feeling of energizing upliftedness.

As a rule of thumb, ego-based guidance will almost always choose joy over safety. The ego is generally concerned with having joy in the future, as opposed to immediate happiness. This could be why the ego manifests more of a cunning in terms of developing a strategy that is more permanent in nature. This is also how ego justifies its methods, which can often be less than appealing – with an attempt to show that it is all “better in the long run,” when in fact, nothing can be further from that assumption.

Spirit-based guidance is usually more predicated upon attaining joy immediately, creating a balance of sorts. While recognizing that it may be necessary to endure some temporary inconvenience, as a form of sacrifice for a more permanent overall accomplishment, the methods are almost never as harsh as those dealt by the ego. In contrast, the spirit works to minimize the inconvenience, and maximize overall gain, in order to produce a joyful situation faster – while maintaining as much pleasantness as possible.

While the spirit acts from integrity, always telling the truth, the ego has the ability to be extremely crafty and manipulative. Straying from the path of safety, ego will alter the truth with faulty information, which ultimately fosters arguments, consistently offering the worst-case scenarios, in an effort to control the situation, all under the guise of getting back to "safety.”

However, the spirit is well aware of the fact that all fears are merely false evidence making an attempt to appear real. Since the spirit only needs to tell the truth because it is the only way that it is aware that freedom can exist, it always acts from the highest level of truth which inherently feels correct.

In fact, one of the very ways that one can be certain of the fact that it is spirit that is the main objective of a certain type of guidance, is that spiritually-based contact feels good.

Ego is generally not concerned with success, but rather “safety,” and not necessarily the safety for the good of all. Usually, the safety ego is concerned with, is merely the security of the ego itself, rather than any particular interest of a group or other individual. While safety may seem like a lofty enterprise, it can also be used as a means of controlling a situation to its advantage.

The spirit usually suggests actions, which serve to empower everyone within its radius. Being that it is collaborative in nature, spirit concerns itself with win-win, rather than singularly winning goals. While ego tends to advance interests at the expense of others, it also allows one to win over others, so that there is always a “loser.”

The gratitude and state of thankfulness associated with the spirit, is part of what attracts the good into life. Ego, on the other hand, always focuses on what one does not have, complaining about what is "lacking" in life. The ego’s focus is to attempt to trick one into believing that the only way that abundance will occur is through acquiring what belongs to someone else.

Spirit-based inclinations, are those which are always communicated in a clear, easy-to-understand manner - while those that are ego based, seek to confuse, sometimes with facts, so that it can achieve it's own agenda. The spirit is always gentle, acting in friendship. Ego is generally more like a controlling, demanding, lecturing parent, dictating, rather than asking any questions.

The spirit is supportive, motivating to achieve the goals and dreams, to connect with the greatest joy. Uniqueness is supported through encouragement. Ego is only concerned with its only agenda, and is greatly threatened by the spirit.

While the spirit wishes for personal fulfillment, ego looks toward its own growth, disregarding anyone else’s. Another drawback to the ego-driven, ultimately “lose-lose” strategy, is that it generally harms others in its path, and creates bad overall karma.

Ultimately, the spirit has the ability to demonstrate how we can be equal and at one with others, as opposed to being better or worse. Therefore, the capacity of the spirit can develop into cohesive, collaborative situations, as opposed to one that is combative in nature. Since spiritually based collaborative attributes are the best types for working within groups, it stands to reason, that those very same qualities are also beneficial when it comes to involving another individual, in a partnership of any type. Of course, this includes the most intimate and private of joint ventures, dating and love.

Nearly all of the time, any endeavor that is ego-based, has attached to it, ramifications that may later be regretted, by someone, whether it is an outside person involved, or the actual person who allowed an ego-based situation to exist.

When one understands the basis of spirit and ego driven actions, those principals may be applied to most any situation found in life, including romantic involvements. Using spiritually based principals to guide dating and romance decisions, can be one of the best ways to determine which situations are best overall for ourselves. The next time there is question or doubt as to whether a particular person or involvement is actually a good idea to pursue, asking whether it could be considered ego or spirit based, may be a good way to determine whether or not it should be continued.

Susan S. Davis is a published book author and writer, currently doing research for a romantic screenplay she is writing. Her Dating From The Inside Out column is published every Tuesday.

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