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Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan
S. Davis
The
Relation of Love and Sexuality
As
long as love involves concern for another, rather
than only for oneself, it can enhance and strengthen
family relations, groups, nations and humanity as
a whole. The trickle-down effect from any level,
tends to produce lasting beneficial changes and advances,
that ultimately enrich relationships.
Many
of the cultural achievements and advancements of
humanity, are derivative of love and have been closely
associated with poetry, song, music, painting, cinema,
and intellectual achievements of many types.
Another
special attribution of love, on a spiritual level,
is religious love. The Western Christian tradition
generally takes two forms: love thy neighbor and
love God. Other religions have developed practices
of the "mystical" love
of God, though non-Christian religions, tend to place
less or no emphasis on love of one's fellow-human.
Love of “one's neighbor,” or of “those
near to us,” those who associate with us, can
be viewed as a credible extension of love in a human
capacity. In other words, it could be an extension
to the group, of love for another individual, related
to the role of love as a socializing force, starting
with the parental relation, though distinctly different
from the intensity of other types of interpersonal
love.
The
relation between love and sexuality
has been the subject of many
discussions. Love's apparent
inseparability from sexuality,
has been taken for granted
by many. Writers, such as Schopenhauer,
have declared that "love
is based on an illusion and
represents what is an advantage
to the species as an advantage
to the individual. If Petrarch's
passion had been gratified
his song would have become
silent from that moment...
Every kind of love, however
ethereal it may seem to be,
springs entirely from the instinct
of sex."
It
is unclear, based upon the above, whether
Schopenhauer himself ever experienced
love, as distinct from sexual
desire. The translator of the
above remarks commented: "Plainly
Schopenhauer was not the person
to sacrifice the individual
to the will of the species.” Apparently,
one of his longest enduring
relations with the opposite
sex, was with a woman whom
he had to compensate financially,
after throwing her downstairs
when he was annoyed by the
noise she was making. Years
later, the woman died and Schopenhauer
reportedly commented: “The
old woman dies, the burden
is lifted.”
One
would have expected a considerably
different view from Sigmund
Freud on the relation of love
and sexuality, but it seems
that he never directly confronted
the issue. His theory of sexuality
assumed that abnormal sexuality
was, actually, normal, and
normal sexuality was almost
an "aberration" which
developed from the abnormal
sexuality:
The
innumerable peculiarities of the erotic
life of human beings as well
as the compulsive character
of the process of falling in
love itself are quite unintelligible
except by reference back to
childhood and as being residual
effects of childhood.... [I
am] driven to the conclusion
that a disposition to perversions
is an original and universal
disposition of the human sexual
instinct and that normal sexual
behavior is developed out of
it as a result of organic changes
and psychical inhibitions occurring
in the course of maturation.
The
above qualified by the unsatisfactory conclusion,
that we essentially know far
too little of the biological
processes constituting the
essence of sexuality, in order
to be able to construct a theory
that would be adequate to the
understanding of normal and
pathological conditions.
Roger
Scruton(1985), in a sustained
and wide-reaching study, Sexual
Desire: A Philosophical Investigation,
effectively denies the evolution
of love from animal sexuality
by its paradoxical claim that
human sexuality is totally
different from animal sexuality
(pp. 15-16, 34-35):
I
shall consider the three basic phenomena
of human sexual feeling: arousal,
desire and love. I shall contend
that all are purely human phenomena… sexual
desire, like the human person,
is a social artifact… the
problem that worried Plato
does not exist: there is no
conflict or contradiction of
the kind that he envisaged
between sexual desire and erotic
love… only a rational
being can experience desire… sentiments
that no mere animal ever felt.
In
addition, Scruton quotes Kant (p. 83): "sexual
love makes of the loved person
an object of appetite... as
soon as the appetite has been
stilled, the person is cast
aside... Sexual love can, of
course, be combined with human
love and so carry with it the
characteristics of the latter,
but taken by itself and for
itself, it is nothing more
than appetite" – which
essentially reverts back to
Plato's distinction between
Aphrodite Uranios and Aphrodite
Pandemos.
Scheler's
work, (1913) The Phenomenology and Theory
of Sympathy and of Love and
Hate, rejected the idea that
love might be derived from "fellow-
feeling" and also the
relation between love and sexuality
as the origin of "every
kind of social instinct" - "a
very questionable conclusion,
for the very fact that bisexual
animals possess the sexual
instinct but do not all have
the social instinct indicates
their independence of one another" (Scheler
1913/1954, p. 175).
The
current issue, is the relation of sexuality
and love. Sexuality is not
love, but it is often confused
with love. The technology of
sexuality has advanced, to
stimulate, prevent, and distort
the outcome of it. It would
be prudent to observe, that
in the present evolutionary
period, sexuality has no very
important positive consequences
whereas love has, and has had,
many positive consequences
for human individuals and human
societies.
The
fact remains, that sexuality and drugs in
the absence of love, generally
leads to more sexuality and
drugs without love in the next
generation, and ultimately,
to the progressive disintegration
of family, society and humanity,
as a whole.
Whenever
it is apparent that a person’s
sexual desire is predicated
upon the physical need for
sex, coupled with validation
and stress relief, it is evident
that sex, as an expression
of love for the individuals
involved, is absent. In most
situations that involve sheer
sexual gratification, it usually
doesn’t matter much with
whom the sex takes place. Anyone
who thinks otherwise, is probably
living in a dream world. As
long as both partners are willing
to satisfy each other’s
needs, whatever they may be,
things are fine. As soon as
one or the other or both, determine
it is no longer in their best
interests to do so, things
change, often drastically,
and to the doom of the relationships.
Nowhere is this more prevalent,
than in purely physical involvements.
This
is why, when relationships built upon sex don’t
advance, it is usually because
they are specifically based
upon the physical gratification
on one, the other, or both
individuals. In addition, one
or both parties may inevitably,
begin to feel objectified,
sometimes, because the sexual
activity is being used to satisfy
an addiction. This is because
often, anything used outside
of ourselves to relieve stress,
validate, replace of “fill
up,” can become an addiction.
Addictive behavior is generally
used to avoid dealing with
life stress, and personal issues
such as low self-esteem. It
is easy to use addictions such
as sex, food, drugs or alcohol,
to temporarily alleviate anxiety,
rather than deal with and confront
fears and insecurities.
Any
relationship that is based
upon neediness, rather than
real love, does not allow for
the chance for it to be based
upon an expression of love,
because it is focusing on a
way to relieve anxiety or fill
emptiness, which does not allow
for personal growth, let along
for growth as a couple.
It
is necessary, therefore, that
anyone who has a history of
addiction, to be aware of this,
and be willing and motivated
to do the inner work necessary
to re-direct addictive behavior,
so that it does not sabotage
any efforts in the dating arena.
Through that process, one can
establish healthy connections
and a spiritual source of love,
rather than one based upon
co-dependency.
Through
learning to work with individual spiritual
guidance, we can begin to heal
any limiting beliefs that are
the basis of feeling inadequate
and unworthy. As we begin to
discover the beauty within
ourselves, it is then possible
for the gentleness, integrity,
creativity, and ability to
care about others to surface.
And that is the sort of person
that will be successful in
attracting and keeping healthy,
positive interpersonal relationships.
Susan
S. Davis is a published book author
and writer, currently doing research for a romantic
screenplay she is writing. Her Dating
From The Inside Out column
is published every Tuesday.
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