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Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan
S. Davis
How
Stereotypes Affect Dating
According
to Wikipedia, Stereotypes are ideas held about members
of particular groups, based solely on membership
in that group. They are often used in a negative
or prejudicial sense and are frequently used to justify
certain discriminatory behaviors. More benignly,
they may express sometimes-accurate folk wisdom about
social reality.
Anyone
who has been a victim of stereotypical profiling,
or prejudice, as it actually is, will most likely
say that it was a most unpleasant and unfortunate
experience. Whatever the reason, whether it be race,
gender, religious or sexual preference, stereotypical
viewpoints can negatively impact interpersonal relationships
in many ways. The most obvious, of course, is that
having a negative opinion about a certain “type” of
individual, can actually prevent one from engaging
in social interaction with a person, simply because
of an “idea” that one may have about
that person, developed without ever having taken
the time to meet or get to know them. And that’s
a shame, really, because negative stereotypical profiling,
ultimately can limit us in ways that are even more
far-reaching. Stereotypical
attitudes on the dating scene,
can include all of the same
aspects of the usual profiling
that our society engages in,
from race, to age, to even
hair color. The reasons that
stereotypical attitudes get
developed in the first place,
can range from our own usually
unfounded considerations, to
those instilled in us from
friends, associates, and family,
to those portrayed in the media
by way of news, information,
gossip and entertainment.
Stereotypes
with regard to interpersonal
relationships, can involve
ageism, race, religion, socio-economic
level, and, one of the most
common, physical appearance.
Often, stereotypes are invented
with no basis in fact, and
are made to seem reasonable
by association with other tendencies
that have only a kernel of
truth.
"Ageism" – coined
in 1969 by Robert Butler, the
first director of the National
Institute on Aging, is likened
to other forms of bigotry such
as racism and sexism, defined
as a process of systematic
stereotyping and discrimination
against people because they
are old, more broadly defined
as any prejudice or discrimination
against or in favor of an age
group (Palmore, 1990).
Ageism
is manifested in many ways,
some explicit, some implicit,
such as the presumption that
older persons are undesirable,
because of the values embraced
by society that youth is better
and more flattering, in terms
of looks, ideals, freshness,
etc. Part of the problem that
people who are confronted with
ageism face, almost mirror
the terms “has-been,” “stale,” and “out
of date.”
Ageist
attitudes are perpetuated in popular
culture with birthday cards,
lamenting age advancement,
as well as the negative images
of older adults in advertisements
and on TV programs, and the
widespread use of demeaning
language about old age. Simply
the word “old,” connotates
unflattering colloquialisms
such as "geezer," "old
fogey," "old maid," "dirty
old man," and "old
goat."
In
the workplace, institutions frequently reinforce
ageist stereotypes by not hiring
or promoting older workers.
In our society, The American
health care system focuses
on acute care and cure rather
than chronic care which most
older adults need. The government
engages in ageism by way of
federal laws such as a higher
federal poverty standard for
older persons, job training
targeted for younger age groups
and the use of state welfare
funds which are often targeted
at children and adolescents.
Underlying
the attitudes, are myths and stereotypes about
old age which are deeply entrenched
in American society.
On
a social level, in terms of dating and
relationships, it is unusual
that a male, for example, finds
much worth or value in “older
women.” And when they
do find that an older woman
is appealing, she usually resembles
a woman much younger than she
actually is, or there is some
financial or other type of
gain, associated with the younger
man’s interest in the
older woman.
And
yet, of course, the ultimate double standard,
since time began, of men dating,
involving themselves, and marrying,
women young enough sometimes,
to be their granddaughters,
continues, without so much
as an eyebrow raise.
Aside
from ageism, the other broader
stereotype involving interpersonal
relationships, involves gender-based
communication. Patterns of
communication in close relationships,
concerning women and men are
found in people's perceptions
of communication styles in
relationships. Research has
shown that the gender stereotypes,
while not altogether false,
tend to be elicited by specific
situational factors rather
than just because one belongs
to a specific sex.
In
a series of studies examining dating
couples, when talking about
difficult topics with a partner,
individuals tend to exhibit
increased stereotypical attitudes
and behaviors that they did
not exhibit during non-difficult
conversations.
There
are many ways that gender stereotypes
affect interpersonal relationships,
and dating. The most prevalent,
of course, are the gender-specific
qualities that we have, which
distinguish us from the people
that we choose to date, or
socialize with based upon the
intention of later becoming
intimately involved, or partnering
with.
One
of the underlying, and less obvious
factors involving gender-based
stereotypes, actually more
directly involves ourselves.
For example, failing to accept
ourselves for who we are can
cause enormous problems. Desiring
to be physically like someone
else, for example, when, in
fact, our body type doesn't
conform to those images, can
cause a plethora or problems,
such as eating disorders. And
the fact that masculine and
feminine images are portrayed
in media, projecting their
own psychological mystiques,
is no help. Our culture influences
us through the images, usually
without us ever even realizing
it.
Some
of the beliefs are so ingrained in our consciousness,
so as to become so natural,
that we don't even question
them. The fact is, that even
if we don't consciously subscribe
to them as part of our own
belief system, our culture
bombards us with messages so
continually and flagrantly,
about what it means to be men
and women, that we usually
become brainwashed.
The
ever-present reminders that are so prevalent
in our society, may never be
addressed sufficiently in order
to replace them with the more
healthy ideals associated with
focusing on what is on the
inside, rather than so much
as what is on the outside.
Age and gender will most likely,
continue to perpetuate the
stereotypes associated with
them. But we, as individuals,
can help to dissolve some of
the negative impact associated
with them by refusing to embrace
and live by the standards presented
to us. While it is not an easy
task, it can begin with how
we look at ourselves, which
will in turn, help us to more
fairly view those around us.
And by doing that, there is
a much stronger possibility,
that we will broaden our sphere
of social contacts, such that
we will attract a higher quality
of people in our own, individual
worlds. All the better to increase
the odds of meeting the types
of people we wish to become
romantically involved in.
It
is in this way, that we can
begin to take a pro-active,
positive approach to dispelling
the negative impact of stereotypes
in our society.
Susan
S. Davis is a published book author
and writer, currently doing research for a romantic
screenplay she is writing. Her Dating
From The Inside Out column
is published every Tuesday.
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