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Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan
S. Davis
How
Physical Appearance Figures in the Dating Arena
Now
that the new year has begun, and every one has thought
about what they want to accomplish in the coming
year, it is more than likely, that many of us have
a goal to get into better physical condition. The
typical new year’s resolution for this usually
goes something like: “Lose weight.” It
can be as simple as that.
Aside
from the general health benefits of getting into
better shape and “losing
weight,” one of the other motivating factors,
for single people in particular, is in order to become
more attractive to people in the dating arena. And
while any reason to attend to something healthy,
such as dropping a few pounds is good, the best reasons
are simply because you want to, rather than to impress
someone else. We
should always be careful, when addressing personal
appearance that we are not simply altering it or
attending to it, for the sole purpose of interesting
someone else in ourselves. The reason for this, is
that if a you are interested in, desires a different “type” – often
trying to become that type, usually leads to disappointment.
Studies
have shown, that even when a person reaches physical
characteristic goals, the person inside remains the
same. Therefore, if a person is trying to escape
confronting who they are, by detracting away from
themselves with physical appearance, it can serve
as the ultimate disappointment. Just as some people
use food to comfort themselves, and thus, gain weight,
the same can occur for those who deprive themselves
of food, just for the sake of losing weight, and conforming
to some societal standard of how they should look in
order to be accepted.
In
Nathan C. Popkins, of Northwestern University’s study, Natural
Characteristics That Influence Environment: How Physical
Appearance Affects Personality, the research proposes that physical
appearance is a major factor in the development of
personality, since people form opinions by what they
see visually in people physically. In addition, people
tend to fulfill the expectations that they believe
others have for them.
Whether
a person's personality was more influenced by genetics
or environment, current estimates in the nature-nurture
battle place the weight of each at right around 50%
(McMartin, 1995).
Also,
much the same way people's personality affects how
others treat those people, so too does appearance.
On some level, certain elements of appearance can
function as personality. However, for the most part,
physical appearance, is something one inherits genetically.
An
enormous amount of information exists on how physical
appearance affects happiness, self-esteem, and success.
Logically, appearance can also govern the environment
in which people are immersed, and be affected by
the opinions of others.
At
an early age, before age ten or so, children have
begun to recognize how others react to them. Naturally,
people react with certain biases to people who look
one way or another. Good-looking children are treated
as social superiors, because in society, stereotype
dictates that popular people are good looking. Conversely,
children who are deemed to be not as attractive are
often treated as inferior.
For
example, one study found that, "If teachers expect different behavior from
students of different physical attractiveness, the
students . . . develop accordingly to conform to these
expectations. The result is very favorable for those
students of higher physical attractiveness but very
unfavorable for those lower in physical attractiveness" (Patzer,
1985, p. 57).
In
both situations, the children began to conform self-opinions
to the opinions of those who interacted with them,
and eventually changed the ways they dressed to conform
to others' preconceived notions.
Recent
studies have shown how appearance affects others'
opinions. At a very early age, children began to pick
whom they would like for playmates by such standards
as facial attractiveness and body form (Fisher, 1986).
Another study found that across several age groups,
subjects consistently ranked photographs of numerous
people based on attractiveness with similar results
(Ellis & Young, 1989).
As
to opinions of others and self-esteem, one study
found that when subjects went through an approximately
20-minute long interview with an interviewer that
they believed had a low opinion of them, their self-esteem
was markedly lower after the interview (Eckert & Wicklund, 1992).
As
shown before, poor physical appearance leads to a
lowered opinion by others, which, logically, leads
to lower popularity, and, "Lack of popularity may undermine
self-esteem and self-confidence" (Zuckerman, 1991,
p. 220). It has also been found that low self-esteem
tends to perpetuate itself. One experiment found that
when, unbeknownst to the participants, a task in which
success was guaranteed was performed, those with lower
self-esteem were so uncomfortable with their successful
results that they intentionally failed the task in
successive trials to avoid discomfort (Kleinke, 1978).
Obviously, there is a strong correlation between self-esteem
and personality.
Certainly,
how people view themselves, plays an important role
in how they interact with others, whom they attract
as a result, and how those relationships develop.
In
Physical
Appearance Impacts Social Relations, Not Personality
Development (third one on page) – a study
by Purva H. Rawal, of Northwestern University, the
fundamental physical reality, our appearance, is
addressed, as the author attempts to see how this
largely inherited trait, shapes our personality development.
The
research surmises that the reverse connection that
people assume popular people are attractive. In the
study conducted by Eagly and colleagues (Eagly, Ashmore,
Makhijani, & Longe,
1991), people who are attractive were judged to be
more socially competent and were attributed with
tendencies to be more sociable, extraverted, and
popular than their less attractive counterparts.
Research
has also shown that in many situations, attractive
people are more socially competent than those who
are less attractive (Eagly et al., 1991). This can
be attributed to the fact that they are reacting
to others' treatment, i.e., the self-fulfilling prophecy.
However, despite the fact that the author outlines
the foundation of the self-fulfilling prophecy in
behavior and the relationship between personality
development and appearance, a causal connection cannot
be definitively made in either direction.
One
of the most interesting findings supporting the author's
hypothesis is that children respond more positively
to attractive faces. A baby's preference for attractive
people is established within the first three to six
months of life, as demonstrated in a study conducted
by Langlois, Ritter, Roggman, and Vaughn (1991).
The infants look longer at attractive than at unattractive
faces.
At
about one year, it was determined that the infants
took a more active approach in showing more positive
responses to attractive than to unattractive people.
The
premise of the paper was that people react to another
individual's physical appearance, thereby provoking
a behavior in the individual that is a response to
the initial reaction.
There
is no denying, that as a whole, self-esteem amounts
to how much people value themselves, feel pride in
themselves, and how worthwhile they feel. And how
one views themselves physically, is a part of the
self-esteem equation.
Feeling
good about yourself can affect how you act. Body
image is how a person feels about his or her physical
appearance. A person who believes in him or herself
and has a healthy self-image is more in control of
his/her behavior. Our culture’s fascination with
transforming the ugly duckling into a beautiful swan,
showed positive returns for network television, as
well as many plastic surgeon’s offices.
Several
individuals who have gone through the process of appearing
on physical makeover shows, have reported that they
are still dealing with themselves emotionally, and
that there are issues in their lives that were never
addressed, and that new ones have developed as a result
of their physical transformations. Many have difficulty
confronting the newfound attention that they never
got before, feeling that it is disingenuous.
Still
others, have reported that the “casual relationship” phenomenon
has developed, in that part and limited time, and situations
that lack monogamy, predicated upon physical intimacy,
seem to be the norm, since the main attraction to them,
now is their outward appearance.
The
types of relationships predicted upon physical appearance,
generally are focused on fulfilling physical, rather
than romantic or emotional needs. While it is all
find and good that people have an outlet for their
sexual urges, many criticisms can be made of these
types of relationships, since a lack of emotion can
leave one feeling abandoned, and worse off than if
they’d had no involvement at all.
While
casual relationships sometime include mutual support,
affection and enjoyment, the motives for casual relationships
should be examined carefully. One of the main reasons
that people get involved in casual relationships
is due to the amount of effort, time and money that
has to be spent. In comparison to a long-term relationship,
a casual involvement can be appealing, for that aspect
alone.
It
is ironic that the reason motivating so many people
to alter their appearance is in order to attract
people to date, or even a life partner. Think about
it – do we really
want to be with someone who has a “type” and
is apt to only be interested in us because we conform
to a particular, often arbitrary brand? What does this
say about the person we’re trying so hard to
attract? Doesn’t that set us up for failure,
in the long run?
After
all, beauty fades. No matter how great you look today,
the reality is that eventually, physical appearance
will fade. And then what does one do? At that point,
we must rely upon our personalities to carry the
weight. And if we’ve spent all of
our time cultivating good looks, it will be a difficult
enterprise, to embark upon a journey to develop ourselves
emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
So,
go ahead and “get into shape.” But do it to feel
better and get healthy, rather than to “attract” someone
to you. If you focus on how you feel, rather than how
you look, you’re bound to become more attractive,
naturally. Because, ultimately, there is nothing more
radiant, than a contented individual. And a contented
individual, is one that attracts the same types of
people that they are. And isn’t that ultimately
what we all want to be for ourselves, and to have around
us?
Susan
S. Davis is a published book author and
writer, currently doing research for a romantic screenplay
she is writing. Her Dating
From The Inside Out column
is published every Tuesday.
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