A Better You
by Jo Ann Fore

Can You Hear Me Now?
The Importance of Active Listening

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~Robert McCloskey, Author

Is it hard for you to listen—really listen—to people? Do you, like most of us, find yourself concentrating on what you’re going to say next while the other person is still talking?

In a dating relationship it’s imperative that we learn how to actively listen. If we’re interested in getting to know someone, it’s one of the first steps we should take. It’s our obligation to learn to pay attention to them – to learn to listen.

Active Listening
What is active listening? At the risk of sounding ridiculously obvious: It is when we listen to what someone else says. It’s a relatively simple, intentional action. Yet, few of us grasp its power.

The key to active listening is empathy. When we identify with, and understand, another person’s feelings we can then listen—without obstacles—in the hopes of learning something new about that person. In order to respond in a way that validates what an individual has said, we need deliberate and empathetic listening skills.

Unfortunately, most dating relationships succumb to the first or second level of three potential listening levels:

LEVEL ONE
Inaccurate reflection or distracting comments.
This is where we, the listener, say something completely unrelated to what the person is telling us. We may try to avoid whatever issue is brought up.

For example someone says, “I believe my daughter is doing drugs, and I don’t know what to do for her.” And the person listening says, “What kind of pizza did you want?” The person who shared is going to feel ignored, or unimportant.

LEVEL TWO
A partial correct understanding, but superficial.
The listener doesn’t entirely understand what is being said. The person will most likely feel misunderstood. “That’s not how I feel at all!”

LEVEL THREE
A paraphrase of what the talker is saying.
You repeat back what they have said to you. Your comments express essentially what has been said to you. You heard them, understood them, and they recognize it. “Yes, that’s exactly how I feel.”

How to Listen
Isn’t someone who makes you feel understood worth his or her weight in gold? You can’t help but feel drawn to them. Would you like to be that type of person? For successful communication, your goal should be to learn to converse at level three. There are mistakes – common to many – you can avoid that will help you learn to generate a response that shows you understand what the other person is saying.

First, do not compare your own similar experiences with what the talker is saying. Remember: listen to learn, not to reply. Second, don’t plan what you’re going to say next. The advice that you have to give them isn’t nearly as important as hearing what they say. And lastly, don’t judge. Don’t assume you know what is best without hearing the entire story.

Also keep in mind, in a dating relationship there needs to be a balance. A balance between when you talk and when your date talks. A balance between how much you talk about yourself versus how much you talk about other people. You don’t want there to be one person talking and the other listening all the time.

As you learn to actively listen, your relationship reaps several benefits:

1. Understanding
It shows that you heard and that you understand.

2. Respect
It shows that you care about the person.

3. Clarification
If you have misunderstood, it allows for correction. And even if you disagree, it’s important that you know what you are disagreeing with.

4. Acceptance
It brings you closer to the individual.

If you haven’t been successful in dating, maybe someone has been trying to tell you something – but you just weren’t listening. Or worse, you weren’t interested in what they had to say.

You need to learn to listen, not in order to reply, but rather with the intent of learning something new. You might be amazed at what you hear.

Jo Ann Fore welcomes your comments about this article or suggestions for material you would like to see in future articles. Email her at: JoAnnFore@msn.com. A Better You is published every Saturday.

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