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A Better You
by Jo Ann Fore

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall:
How to be the Type of Person You Want to Attract

“When I find the right guy, he’ll love me in spite of that,” Tedi, my lunch partner wistfully shared. Inundated with a series of bad relationships, she was discouraged. Delicately, I had broached a vice I suspected was the problem – she had a horrible temper.

Tedi continued to overlook a simple rule-of-thumb –“Treat others as you would have them treat you.” And the ‘right guys’ shied away from a relationship with her because of it.

The Ideal Mate
Most of us have certain qualities we look for in a mate. Take a minute and identify what these are for you. Do you desire someone who is energetic, or who holds certain physical qualities? Someone who has specific values or standards of character? Maybe you long for a mate who has a great sense of humor, a certain level of intellect, or good communication skills?


Now that we have our shopping list, it’s time for a difficult question: Do you possess those same qualities?

Often, we attract like-minded people. Author Donn Byrne, in The Attraction Paradigm (1971, New York: Academic Press), asked individuals to “complete a questionnaire on their personal characteristics. The people were then shown (fabricated) descriptions of a range of different people and asked how they felt towards them. Those with characteristics similar to the person being studied were rated as more attractive.” (click here)

Find a Good Mate by Being a Good Mate
What you bring to the relationship can be a key factor to a successful partnership with the type of mate we want. We need to take a look in the mirror – a hard look – and see what obstacles might be in the way.

1. What is our part in the failure of past relationships?
Let’s start with what we have done wrong. How did we contribute to previous failures? What can we learn from it?

Tedi discovered others often mirrored her actions. With her volatile temper, she was an irresistible magnet to hot-headed guys. The source of the problem didn’t necessarily lie with the other person – Tedi had to address her own issues first. If she wanted a level-headed guy, she was going to have to become a level-headed person herself.

2. Are you really who you say you are?
You need to be the person you portray yourself to be. Are you the same with your date as you are at home – when no one else is watching? Be honest about your political preferences. Don’t negate your religious convictions. Do you honestly have a good sense of humor?

Can you truly expect to attract someone who is energetic if you can’t stay off the couch? Or someone with a sense of adventure when you’re afraid to venture outside of the house?

Are you really compatible with this person, or just faking your way through?

3. Do you look like you expect your mate to look?
Do you have unreasonable expectations of your mate? Some people don’t put any forethought to how they dress, yet want their date to come out looking like the cover of a fashion magazine. We need to take a look at our own appearance – our grooming habits, our dress, and our physical shape – to make certain it lines up with what we expect from others.

4. Am I communicating openly?
Am I able to articulate my feelings? Do I expect my potential mate to be vulnerable, yet keep my own heart guarded?

Communication is imperative in a successful relationship. Am I willing to let someone in?

To be the type of person we want to attract, we will have to overcome some obstacles – and we start by addressing them head-on.

Tedi finally learned a hard lesson – if she wanted to catch the “right guy” -- she was going to have to learn to be the “right girl”.

Jo Ann Fore welcomes your comments about this article or suggestions for material you would like to see in future articles. Email her at: A Better You is published every Saturday.


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