Online Dating Magazine > Interviews > Kathryn Lord

A Candid Interview with Romance Coach Kathryn Lord
Interview conducted by James Houran, Ph.D.

Kathryn Lord: I'd ask back, “How many winners (let's say in sports) do you know of who don’t have coaches?” Almost anyone can hit a golf ball or ride a bike, but there are not many winners like Tiger Woods or Lance Armstrong. I’ll bet lots of money that they have coaches.

Most people figure out how to date and find a partner at least once. But we all know that many of us make lousy choices, manage to fail at keeping the relationship going, and some never get back in the game. Having a Romance Coach makes it more likely that you will find the best possible mate for you. And a Romance Coach can help you navigate the early stages of building the long-lasting relationship you want. Wouldn’t you do everything you can to win in your own life? Why WOULDN’T a prudent single hire the best Romance Coach they can find?

Dr. Jim: Please describe in detail what you do and how you help people -- and cutting to the chase -- what does it cost a client?

Kathryn Lord : Singles come to me at a variety of stages on their quest to find a Sweetheart. Some haven’t dated in years or really never got started in the first place. These folks need to get caught up to what the dating scene is like now, for their age group and demographics, and get educated about Internet dating. In some cases, they may have only the most rudimentary computer skills. Despite what many singles SAY about being ready for love, they really aren’t. I’m sure you know people who successfully fail at dating and relationship building over and over. I feel it’s vitally important for individuals to do some extensive work on themselves, to get really ready and remove potential obstacles to finding love. That’s why I wrote my first book, Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women (www.YourLoveTripPlanner.com). Men can read it too, because the information is really gender-neutral Attitude can be a major problem and may need work. Often singles are quite bruised and discouraged about their possibilities of finding a mate. Their thinking may have gotten quite negative and punishing, not at all an orientation that’s helpful. So I listen for that and focus on doing some “attitude adjustment.” A big job early in the process is getting the individual’s online presentation -- their profile and photos -- in the best possible shape. I believe that the profile ought to be attractive and compelling, as well as absolutely truthful. I regularly write draft essays, using the individual’s own words. Usually my clients like what I write so well that they barely change a word.

Choosing the best dating site is usually a big issue. While there are close to a thousand dating sites on the Net, only are few are worth a single’s time and effort, in my opinion. I’ll make suggestions, but my clients make the choice. After we get the individual really ready, up online, and with a great online look, then we work on search techniques. First is getting clear on what you want, so that you know what to look for and how to recognize it when you see it. Then, proactive dating skills: How to take charge of the dating process so that you are most likely to get what you want. Once singles start to make meaningful contact with potential mate candidates, they often want my opinion. I read the profiles of the possible dates, sometimes reviewing their early email. Oftentimes, singles have questions about what to say and when. And then planning the first face-to-face meeting can take some doing. Very often, folks have some kind of information that they know they need to tell potential partners, but can't imagine how and when to reveal this. That can be a big worry, and one that we spend considerable time on. Then, when a serious relationship seems to be forming, singles have questions and huge cases of the jitters. I’m always available by email and will set up time to talk on the phone at fairly short notice. Building trust with a new partner takes time and lots of new skills. I'm there to help.

As far as costs, what I’ve described above is what I do when people sign up to work with me one on one. Sessions are usually a half hour long, on the phone. I charge for my time on the phone, at a rate of $75 per half hour. Clients purchase my time in advance, usually in blocks of four, at $300 for the block. Emails in between sessions are essentially free. Usually, I work fairly intensely with a single for one to six months, then keep in touch for as long as a couple of years, as needed. I’m working at more and more lower cost and even free services that singles can tap into. I have published a free e-newsletter twice monthly for five years. You can subscribe easily on my website www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com. I've been keeping a blog for over two years at www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com/blog, and that is LOADED with lots of free information. I also have four e-books for sale on my website www.YourSweetheartStore.com -- My Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women, Looking for Action? The Find a Sweetheart Party Planner, and two article collections. I’ve a couple of interviews with Romance Clients available there on CD, and a brand new, virtual course on improving your luck -- Ten Days to Get Lucky at Love. These offerings are all low priced and affordable.

Dr. Jim: Do you see romance coaches as being in competition with online dating sites?

Kathryn Lord: Heck, no! I’m working FOR the dating sites; they just don’t pay me. I send dating sites paying customers. What more could they ask for than that? I also work hard to help my clients successfully find mates using Internet dating sites. What better advertising could a dating site have than a success story?

Kathryn Lord: Attitude is a major problem, particularly for long-term singles. They feel battered and bruised and have attitudes to match. And if bleak is what you are seeing, bleak is what you will get. My new virtual course "Ten Days to Get Lucky at Love" deals right on with attitude and thinking and it's effects on outcome. You can sign up for Ten Days to Get Lucky at Love at www.YourSweetheartStore.com. Wonderful though dating sites are for connecting singles, folks are getting spoiled. They’re tending to get fussier and fussier about their bottom lines: Prospective dates must live close by, and for heaven's sake, be nigh onto perfect. The attitude has developed that there are thousands more singles out there, lined up. In a way, that’s true. But that attitude fosters hasty and callous decision-making. Some excellent mate candidates – who may not present the best on a first date – are getting passed over. “Honesty” and its counterpart “lying” are becoming major issues. Now it’s getting so that everyone assumes that everyone else is lying, so they have to lie just to stay competitive. Of course, that’s not so: everyone is NOT lying, but that kind of attitude just makes a bad problem worse. We all have a part to play in the community that is the Internet. You can do your part for trustworthiness by telling, writing and showing only what’s true.

Kathryn Lord: For sure, the biggest flaw of online dating sites -- and the most unknown -- is the proportion of unpaid to paid members on the sites. I call it “Internet Dating’s Dirty Little Secret.” It’s to the dating sites’ advantage to allow people to post for free, because it adds to the numbers. And the hope is that the free folks will convert to paying if someone great contacts them.

What singles -- my clients, who are paying members of these sites – don’t understand is the high ratios of unpaid to paid. That can be as much as 10 to 1 or more on sites like Match.com That means that you would have a 10 to 1 chance that anyone you contacted would be an unpaid member and have to pay a monthly fee to email you back. That is a powerful disincentive and behind the very high no-response rate to first email.

Non-responses to emails can be devastating to vulnerable singles. At the very best, they grind down the enthusiasm. I’ve yet to explain this phenomenon to one client who understood it before I told them. Not one. The dating sites should develop some kind of labeling system (one of my clients suggested a $ sign on the profile) that signifies the poster is a paid member. Then singles who are paid and contacting others would know who’s paid, and who’s not, and that the paid members would be more likely to return contact. Also not paying singles (who are essentially freeloading off the paying members) would look cheap -- which they are. They might even feel some pressure to pay up and join, which would be good for everyone, dating sites included.

Here's a self-serving suggestion to dating sites: Be nice, even court, dating coaches. We are sending you business. Paying customers. And we are helping them be successful. You want us! So show it! Here’s what you can do: give us free memberships to your sites and show us around. Teach us your features and let us know why your site is better than the competition. Give us some publicity -- maybe on a resources page. Ask us to write for you (I was recruited by Yahoo! Personals and write for them) and maybe even pay us a little to do so. We are your friends! Treat us that way!

Dr. Jim: What’s the best way or ways online daters should spend $50 to improve their online dating experience?

Kathryn Lord: Now that's a good question for the budget-conscious. Haunt my Find a Sweetheart Store (www.FindaSweetheartStore.com). I’d buy: Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women which is priced at $24.95 for the downloadable e-book. Ten Days to Get Lucky at Love for $19.95. That's a ten-session course that you will get by email over 10 days. You’d have $5.10 left, not enough to buy one of my CD's, but if you skipped the Starbucks one day, you could do it. Buy the interview with Allie to hear about one woman’s experience with Romance Coaching.

P.S. Here's a way to save money: New subscribers to my e-newsletter get a free article on how to tell your worse secrets, and also get $10 off Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women. So you could buy the CD, get the book and the virtual course AND the “Secrets” article and still have $5 left. Not to mention my twice monthly e-newsletter *eMAIL to eMATE. What a deal!

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