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Online Dating Magazine > Features > Getting a Second Date

10 Tips to Getting a Second Date and Beyond
by Susan S. Davis, Columnist for Online Dating Magazine

Singles of today have a daunting task -- it seems that it is easy enough to meet people, but how do you keep them and yourself interested through and past those critical "first dates?" In courtship, it doesn't help men; either, that women of all races are more intelligent and independent than ever. This can make for confusion in terms of how to go about "pursuing" the person you're interested in. How do men maintain their "manhood" without being overbearing or chauvinistic? How do women let men know they're interested without appearing too presumptuous?

Many modern men would be surprised to learn that even the most fiercely liberated woman believes that it is all right, in fact, expected that men pursue the relationship, particularly in those critical beginning stages.

Surprisingly, many women, priding themselves on being ultra-independent, never relying on anyone or requiring much, have learned the hard way that this is definitely not the way to get and keep a man interested. Like any other worthwhile human being, men need to be needed and they need to feel that a relationship with them is a rare commodity to attain. Attaining the unattainable is a sport for many men; it is what drives them. When women are too quick to open themselves up in terms of time, emotions and of course, physically, it can be psychologically detrimental to them. Often women have resorted to doing this, believing that if they don't, the man will lose interest. What many women seemed to be learning is that there are ways to let men know they are interested without compromising their personal or professional goals.

Often I have been asked by men what it is that turns women on and off -- particularly in the beginning of the relationship. Having experienced much of what I am about to discuss, I have first-hand knowledge on some of the very items, which tend to make me and many of my friends lose interest quickly. And, it doesn't have to be that way!

Some of these tips are quite basic -- trite, but you'd be surprised how often these seemingly minor "infractions" by "good" guys result in puzzlement when a woman appears to lose interest in him -- often at some of the most perplexing times. "What did I do to turn her off?” is often asked. Usually, it's something so basic that it's almost embarrassing to say. Women know that it isn't so much that men intend to be rude or inconsiderate. Sometimes it's just that they aren't sure which direction to take... after all, as diverse as women are, they aren't exactly "easy" to deal with. One thing is certain: the premise of any successful relationship is communication and respect, and it is on that which the following tips are based. If physical chemistry exists, one cannot fail if every effort is made to maintain communication. It's that simple. So, try out some of these suggestions -- they may work, and you may get the added bonus of answers to some of those ill-fated romances!

Before you read on, I must warn you. If you're like me, you may just be appalled at some of these suggestions. But, now I have to bite my tongue because, in all honesty, it works!

So, fasten your seat belts! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

1. Men Must Make The First Move
If he doesn't, the woman shouldn't. In a recent relationship survey, it's been proven that the majority of relationships, which fail, were initiated by women. Of course, it's okay for a woman to make some attempt at being noticed, but she should never be the one to suggest seeing him in the future, or even so much as ask him to dance.

2. Be Interested
Focus on her while you are with her. Listen as much as you speak. There is nothing worse than dealing with someone who is so self-absorbed that you can't get a word in edgewise.

When you're out together, we know it's hard, but resist staring at other women. I, as do many of my friends, completely lose interest in someone who doesn't this, since it demonstrates that if he can't focus on me for the short period of a date, how will he ever be able to direct his attention to me indefinitely? And besides, how would he like it if she stared at every man who passed by? I'll bet not much. So, guys -- save the ogling for later with your friends.

Make it a priority to remember important dates such as her birthday, Valentine's Day and later, your anniversary. Get her romantic gifts, which show you really care about her (no appliances or the like unless you also get her something genuinely romantic). She must be made to feel as important as any other significance in your life. Just like a crucial business deal relies upon communication and efficiency, being attentive is part of developing and maintaining the romance.

3. Resist Possessiveness
Until you are actually committed in a relationship and have an understanding, neither of you owe an explanation of how nor where you spend your time. Being too possessive is a turn-off and, in this day and age of stalking, many women are reluctant to get involved with men who come on too strong.

4. Don't "Go Dutch" or Meet Halfway
Like it or not, many women have found that guys who expect them to meet them somewhere out of their area or pay are losers. It doesn't seem fair, but believe it or not, that's how it usually turns out. Guys, if you really respect and admire this woman, then you will go to where she is and pay for the date. If not, you're in it for something other than the long term, which is not what she wants, so why waste your time? Do yourselves a favor and keep looking until you find the woman who inspires chivalry.

5. Men Should Do The Calling
Men should do the calling, at least in the beginning. If you're interested, you'd better call. Remember, you are supposed to do the pursuing. Women who call men regularly are finding that they almost never get the lasting relationships they want. When men don't call, there is a reason. And it's usually that he's interested in someone else or seeing so many people that he doesn't deserve to have a quality woman anyway. So, guys, if you are interested, don't refrain from calling, thinking she'll be jealous. What will most likely happen is that she'll become disinterested. High-caliber women are busy and resourceful. If you don't call her, someone else will!

Whether or not this is fair, it's important to let her know that you are thinking of her -- no matter how busy you are.

6. Arrange Dates Early in the Week
To call at the last minute is presumptuous and rude. If you want to see a woman on Friday or Saturday night, you should call and arrange it by or before Wednesday. Remember, women -- spontaneity is earned, not given. If a guy is inconsiderate enough to ask for a weekend date after Wednesday, turn him down. If you haven't made plans, you should have, and this will remind you to do so in the future, so you won't have to turn someone down for no reason. The woman you are pursuing is most likely intelligent and social -- and that kind of woman usually has a full schedule, rarely sitting around with nothing to do.

7. Absolutely No Sex
Immediate intimacy is a complete no-no. Men should not propose it and women should not do it, under any circumstances! The mutual respect will be noted and can only serve to enhance the relationship when the time comes. Opening up emotionally and physically will come naturally. One of the biggest turn-ons for both men and women is to let her make the first move toward intimacy.

8. "Do Unto Others"
Treat each other the way you would like to be treated. If you suggest something and it seems to feel uncomfortable, accept it, and, if they don’t tell you directly, ask what they want. Many times women are reluctant to express how they feel about things because we're often taught that different opinions are undesirable.

9. Be Honest
You don't like it when someone lies to you, so don't do it to him or her. Guys, don't talk about your future with her unless you really mean it and have given it some serious thought. It does no one any favor to discuss serious issues in an insincere fashion. Eventually, it will be apparent that you never meant what you said. If she brings the subject up and you're not sure how you feel, say so. Even though you run the risk of losing them, isn't it far better to avoid an insincere commitment?

10. Maintain These Points
Utilizing these suggestions just may allow you to easily evolve into a trusting, caring and emotionally satisfying relationship with the quality person always wanted. Continuing these hints may just ensure that you preserve it!

Some of these tips only apply to people you are truly interested in getting serious with. Obviously, casual involvements would not require this level of maintenance -- but if they're special and you want them to know it, practice these tips and you could very well be on your way to attaining the relationship of your dreams! Even if this doesn't happen, it's a good idea to adopt these "manners," since it only serves to assist you in accomplishing your relationship goals. Besides, it can only make you look good, and having manners never hurt anyone!



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