Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Dating Triumphs & Tragedies > When the Guy is not Yours

Dating Triumphs and Tragedies
by Nicole Roberge

When the Great Guy isn't Yours
He has a Girlfriend

I recently met the greatest guy.  Seriously.  He was so sweet, kind, big-hearted, and he made me laugher harder than I have in a long, long time.   We got along so well.  It was perfect, except for one fact: he has a girlfriend.  Yup.  One that he is madly in love with.  Crushed.  Doesn’t it figure?  The good ones really are always taken.

But that didn’t stop us…from being friends that is.  And why should it stop us?  We bonded so well and it’s always nice to have great people surrounding you.  It is better to have him in my life as a good friend than not have him there at all.  And I’m okay with that.

But often times what happens is that people are not okay with that.  They meet someone great and they immediately connect, but he has a girlfriend, and then she is devastated because she can’t be with him.  Or in many cases, two people are already good friends, and then one wants to start dating, but the other one doesn’t.  For some, it can be devastating.  They cannot be just friends with that person.  They need and want more.  They have to be with him and it becomes an obsession.  And that just makes it hurt worse, because usually, no matter how hard you try, it’s not going to happen.  And that’s the sad truth.  I’m just being honest.

So what do we do about that?

It’s hard.  I know that.  I have been in that situation before, as I think many of us have.  It’s called unrequited love and it can be brutal.  When the one you are attracted to does not show the same response or emotions in return.  It’s something that is hard to get over, because you still have those feelings for that person, even if they may not have them for you.  But he wants to stay friends, and you want to be with him.  And as you keep being friends, you realize the feelings for him only grow stronger and he still feels nothing, which makes the hurt only worse.  How does someone deal with that?  It’s hard, but it can be done.

First, you have to realize, as difficult as it may seem, that he is your friend, and just that.  Be grateful for having him in your life, because he is probably a great friend.  And you probably are too.  If he doesn’t have feelings for you in return, most likely his feelings won’t change, and that is what you have to deal with.  You can’t make someone fall in love with you.  But you can accept that you have something special together and maintain that friendship as it is.  For some, it is too difficult and they may have to limit their time with that person.  Whatever works best for you, but you have to come to the realization that he is your friend and only that.

Second, try meeting other people to date.  Just getting out there and meeting new people can really help.  And besides, you never know just who you may meet.  You might meet someone who is wonderful and that could really be a possibility for you.  If it’s not going to work out with your friend, don’t waste your time worrying over it.  You have to move on and see what else is out there.  You never know who you may find and you could be much happier for it.

As simple as these things are to say, they are much, much harder to do.  I understand that.  But just taking that next step can make such a difference in your own life and feelings towards the other person.  Yes, he will still be your friend, and he will probably be happy for you if you meet someone new.  You can’t spend your time on something that isn’t there.  I know it doesn’t seem fair, but this is the way things work out sometimes.  The obsession only gets worse because you can’t have him and then think about him all the more.  So date away.  Get out there.  See all those other fish.  Because there’s one out there waiting for you to catch him.

Dating Triumphs and Tragedies is published every Sunday by Online Dating Magazine columnist Nicole Roberge. She can be reached at [email protected].