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Dating Triumphs and Tragedies
by Nicole Roberge

First Date Nightmares

I am currently in Los Angeles for a visit, and was invited to my friend Phil’s house for a dinner party.  We sat down to eat and as the conversation got rolling, it was revealed that I wrote a dating column.  This piqued their interest.  What do you write about?  What advice do you give?  What kind of dates do you go on?  Jokingly, I told them, “hey, I could be getting material for my column right now.”  They laughed, and then I said, “how about it?”  To my delight, they obliged, and were willing to share some of their first date horror stories.

Phil’s wife, Alexa, went first, and boy was it a doozy.  She was set up by a friend to go out on a date with a guy she knew—a pretty respectable guy.  When the doorbell rang, Alexa opened the door and to her shock, in front of her stood a guy who was sweating profusely and had halitosis.  He commented on his sweating, saying he had just been running.  Running?  Yeah, that’s believable.  He said that they were going to a basketball game and picking up a friend who used to play, so she hopped in the car and away they went.

Then they went out to dinner, and instead of sitting across from each other, he made sure they sat on the same side.  As they were handed giant menus, she could barely hold hers up, as there was no room.  She tried to read hers and as she did, Mr. Halitosis sniffed her whole arm, from her hand to her elbow to her neck.  “Get me home,” she said, and the date was over.  Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date.

Lucky for her, her next date after that was Phil, and they just got married this past July and are very happy, making a beautiful couple.

But Phil has had his fair share of bad dates and shared one in particular.  He went on a date with a lady who we shall call, Miss Spastic.  They went out to dinner and every five minutes, Spastic was getting up to go to the bathroom.  No joke.  He was a little uncertain of what was going on in the bathroom.  Was she doing drugs? he worried.  She’d come back to the table, just fine, but in another five minutes, it was back to the bathroom for her.  He didn’t say anything, yet was just a little uncomfortable.

They went back to his place to hang out, and naturally, she went to the bathroom again.  When she came out, she said to him, “You’re probably wondering why I’m using the bathroom so much?”

“Oh, I didn’t really notice,” he replied.

“Well, I have a spastic colon,” she replied, exposing some nice revealing information for a first date.

“Couldn’t she have just told me she has to pee a lot when she drinks,” Phil said to me, laughing.  But no, she went on, with hand motions.

“You see,” she described, “a normal person’s colon works like this...” and she pumped her fist slowly.  “But mine works like this,” and she pumped her first in fast, spastic motions.  Her colon was not cut out for Phil, and they called it a night.

There’s a big difference between revealing your genuine true colors on a first date and revealing too much on a first date.  Everyone has a certain side of them that might be a little too much to handle, and it might not be best to reveal it on a first date.  Third, okay, maybe.  But on a first date, it could be scary, especially when you have just met someone. From sweaty Mr. Halitosis to Miss Spastic, it was just too much for Alexa and Phil to handle, and I can understand that.  Perhaps Mr. Halitosis and Miss Spastic should get together.

Dating Triumphs and Tragedies is published every Sunday by Online Dating Magazine columnist Nicole Roberge. She can be reached at [email protected].