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JENNIFER'S GEMS
by Jennifer Brown Banks

Relationships:
Until Something Better Comes Along

"One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure"

“I always felt when we were together that he was holding out for something better,” my friend confessed to me, as we discussed a difficult break up with a man she once adored, and his subsequent marriage. 

Let’s face it; many of us have been in the same position.  Not being someone else’s first choice.  Or someone else not exactly being ours. True?

As a popular song even states “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” And so many of us do. But is it really wise?  Is it what we deserve?

I like to compare it to eating fast foods.  Sometimes it satisfies the hunger, but it’s not very “filling”, nor does it nourish.  Wouldn’t you agree?
Still, as the Bible states, “For everything there is a season.”

And that’s certainly true in some cases; like the time I briefly dated an old high school acquaintance, simply because he caught me at a very vulnerable time.  I knew he wasn’t relationship material but he was charming, dark and handsome, and I was flattered by his attention.  I hadn’t had a man in my life for a while, and I convinced myself that I deserved to be wined and dined and pampered for a while.  And he did.

When I got home from work, many times he prepared a home cooked meal and treated me to a much needed foot massage.  His calls were often, and his affection was evident.

The problem? 

We were extremely incompatible. He wanted to see me more often than I wanted to be with him, he had anger issues, I didn’t trust him, and he was very manipulative. After a few months, the joy I sought from him was replaced with resentment and emotional emptiness.  So I broke it off.  Lesson learned.

I’m much better off by myself than being miserable with someone else.

How about you? Are you in a “relationship” where you‘re just biding time?  Waiting for something better to come along?  Are you missing out on love’s magic?  Or perhaps a true soul mate?  

Of course, every person with whom we spend quality time has some value and purpose; that goes without saying.  Also, “dating around” helps us to identify our romantic dislikes and likes, and to learn more about ourselves.  Even in times of drama, “adversity builds character.”  But what I’m speaking about is being in “relationships”

It’s really not cool or kind to be caught up in one that you know at gut level is not where you really want to be. It ties the other person up unfairly. Unsure of where the two of you may be headed?  Then just be honest with the other person, so you can both keep your options open.

Here’s why...

Being in “until something better comes along relationships” cheats everybody involved.  That man or woman who may not be your first choice is undoubtedly someone else’s! And more importantly, these “until something better comes along” partnerings keep us from getting to the “until death do us part” happiness that we all deserve, if it’s what we desire.  

In writing this, I am reminded of a situation that I recently witnessed on a popular new TV show that best illustrates this point.  On the new Fox 32 hit show “THE MOMENT OF TRUTH” an attractive, young Caucasian woman was asked by her ex,  “If I wanted you back, would you divorce your husband?” 

She said yes!

I’ll never forget the look on her husband’s face as he sat in the audience and heard her candid revelation.  His pain made my heart heavy.

One would be compelled to wonder why she would even get married if she still held a torch for another man?  Clearly a woman of her level of attractiveness (and accomplished as well), wasn’t desperate.

Are you feeling me?

So in your next search for someone special, remember to be honest with yourself.  A little soul searching on your part can make a world of difference in someone else’s future happiness.

Ask yourself, these 4 crucial questions:

1) Is my current relationship one that gives me peace?

2) Is it a source of pride and joy?

3) Does it have future potential?

4) Is it built upon honesty and trust?  

 If you can answer yes to these questions, you’re in the right place for real romance. Stay there.

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Jennifer's Gems is a weekly column written by award-winning poet and writer, Jennifer Brown Banks. It is published every Wednesday. Click here to read her welcome letter.