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Online Dating Experience 40
Online Dating Changes People
49 year old female
from Washington
I have lots of sympathy for the women
and men who have posted their bad experiences with
online dating, but I groan (with MORE sympathy) when
I read that they went on two to eight dates. They have
no idea of how long this can go on! In six years of
on-and-off dating I met approximately 60 men. I'm
still single
and will probably never meet my "someone" this way.
Before everyone says, well, she must be a dog and wonders
why men can't appreciate the beauty inside... let me
assure you that I am averagely good looking and averagely
sized and quite intelligent, completely sane; I work
and work out, and have grown kids. I'm the perfect
date and my life is quite together. I'm loving and
affectionate and see every average guy as special in
his way.
I have met men who lied on their profiles, or afterwards,
about their marriage status, height, weight, income
and employment status, interests, and sexual orientation
and the only lie that bothers me anymore is about their
interest in finding "Someone", "The
One", "A Woman who..." and any other
way to imply that they are open to a real-life relationship
-- the kind we used to have before thinking that we
have to interview 400 people or at least a few more,
before we can possibly make a choice!
I have come to believe the online dating is a "Great
Way to Meet People" but is a lousy way to end
up with someone. Here's how I see it: ten years ago,
any of the 400 men in my area who found themselves
single (mostly again, some still...) in my age group
(49-60) would feel fortunate to meet someone like me
- an eligible, presentable woman. A nice single person
does not enter your sphere that often. Why not consider
if it could work? And if you let her go or fail to
appreciate her, how long before you meet someone again?
And with the primal urge to pair up, why want to make
it temporary? Don't we all want someone to make a
life with?
Now, with online dating, those 400 men think this
way: with 400 women on this site, why NOT keep looking?
There's a CHANCE I'll get the independently wealthy
and childless supermodel who's smart, but not smarter
than me, sees me as the hunk I really am, has no kids,
relatives,or life of any kind that interferes with
my plans, could move in with a suitcase, doesn't touch
any of my stuff, stays out of my way when I'm not
in the mood...
OR, why stop looking when the idea of settling down
with a nice woman is an awful lot of work? Life works
okay now, and with online dating, I get free sex once
in a while with no commitments or expectations. The
browsing, flirting, meeting, seeing someone just long
enough
to get the sex... it fills the need for attention I
thought I would have to have a committed relationship
to get.
Everyone agrees that it's not okay to lie to one
another. However, more and more men don't have a problem
with using "I'm looking for One Special Woman
to share life with" as a hook and then systematically
returns to their online dating addiction. Or, they
want points for their honesty - "I'm not looking
for a serious relationship right now, just friends
to do things with..." (and the "things" often
end up being just dinner and sex). And friends? They
don't really mean that they want you to love them
like a brother, or treat them like your girlfriends,
or have to be there in times of trouble, or go on seeing
you if they are making other dates online (where they
may or may not be advertising that they are looking
for "The One").
I contend that going into online dating CHANGES people.
They see the people they meet as commodities they paid
for (heard from dates about the "quality" of
their other dates?). They see themselves as deserving
of far better than they willing or able to offer, or
should realistically expect. They find that a little
shallow intimacy satisfied them (instant gratification)
and there's more where that came from so why have
to work hard to have an old-fashioned committed relationship?
Online dating is not just a different way to meet
people, it's a different way to relate to people.
No one wants to admit it, but they are joining a swingers
club. Is that what they meant to do? Or did they change
themselves? Does "Stockholm Syndrome" have
any meaning here? May be extreme -- but people do seek
the easiest route to satisfaction and feeding the addiction
does that.
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