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Savvy Singles
by dating expert Tonja Evetts Weimer

Holiday Romance and Being a Good Listener

Would you like to fall in love and have a great romance? The holidays are near and you may have more chances than usual to meet someone. There may be parties at work, with family and friends, at organizations and clubs, or at other social gatherings that don’t happen any other time of year. What are your plans this season? If you are single and you want to meet someone—you had better go out often. Go to every party you are invited to or that you can elegantly “crash.” And go with friends to their parties too.

What do you need to do to get yourself ready? Pay attention to your ability to LISTEN. Everyone falls in love with a good listener.

Listening has the power to magnetize others. Not many adults have developed this skill. They lost it somewhere between Kindergarten and High School. Children can be extraordinary listeners. They are often lost in play, with adults talking in the background or with the TV on, and no one is paying attention to them. Their parents think they aren’t hearing what is being said. But then, at some strange moment, out pops something they heard. I know of a four-year-old who went to the doctor with his dad for his preschool checkup. When the doctor was finished, he said to the father, “Is there anything else you would like to ask me?” The little boy piped up and said, “Dad…aren’t we supposed to ask our doctor about Levitra?” (Obviously, the child heard this on TV.)

Listening is a skill, an art, and a way of life. When singles are good listeners, they become attractive. Men look for women who are gracious listeners. And single women who would like to find a mate all say the same thing: “I would like to find someone to talk to who is a good listener.”

Being a good listener is a rare gift and can become your most important asset in meeting people to date. If you want to meet someone special this holiday season, the following suggestions can help you develop your Listening I.Q.:

Judgments are like poison. You don’t have to agree with what people say, but if you let them voice it, both of you may gain a new perspective. Criticism, hidden agendas of what people are supposed to think and say, and holding a superior attitude can kill communication. Judgmental, righteous people are more interested in being on a soapbox than they are in listening to others. This is unattractive. To become magnetic, be more like water than ice—receive what is coming to you and absorb it.

When someone is talking, be quiet. If you can keep your mouth closed and channel your effort into truly understanding what the person is saying, you will make a connection. When you are quiet, you can also develop your mind to a place that can ask objective questions. Questions like, “Is there evidence that supports this idea?” and “What exactly does that mean?” help continue the dialogue and interaction.

Listen beyond the speaker. How many times have you discovered that the Kindergarten child had something to say that was penetrating and beyond his years? Or did you notice that the person with a strange accent, or wearing funny clothes, or had an outrageous hairdo, was a blessing to know once you got past your limitations of how you saw them?

Listen for what’s missing. Often, it is what someone is NOT saying that is shouting in our ears—if only we will pay attention. The person who insists they are looking for a committed relationship, but keeps all conversation on the level of the frat house, is telling you something important that you need to be aware of. Translation: they aren't ready for a relationship.

Before you find your love, know this fundamental truth: there is nothing more precious than a person who can truly hear us. Instead of sitting at home watching TV, get out of the house. Talk to people, ask questions, and listen to their answers. Then, when you get to a social event, you may be able to find the conversations that are waiting for you this holiday season. You can do it.

Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is an award-winning author and Master Certified Single’s Coach and Personal Life Coach. Her Savvy Singles column appears every Friday in Online Dating Magazine. You can email Tonja at tonja@tonjaweimer.com, visit her website a www.singlesdatingtips.com or www.tonjaweimer.com, or call 864-294-9494.

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