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Dating Magazine > Columns > Savvy
Singles > Lack of Time
 Savvy
Singles
by dating
expert Tonja Evetts Weimer
Do
You Need More Time with Your Lover?
Do
you feel pressed for time? Do you and your lover
need more time for romance? Most of us have heard
that term “quality time.” It was coined
in the 70s, originally describing the time that working
parents spent with their children. It has now found
its way into relationships of all kinds--particularly
dating, cohabiting, or marriage relationships.
I
never really liked that term. It seemed a little
manipulative. It felt like the person I was seeing
who was supposed to be paying attention to me wasn’t
there because he had too many other priorities and
responsibilities. And so I fell into the “quality
time” category—which meant no time at
all. “Quality time” seemed like an excuse
for not being an important priority.
Research
substantiates this need. It
has shown that couples need
a quantity of communication,
face-to-face, in order to develop
or repair their relationship.
People rely on nonverbal cues,
such as facial expressions,
posture, and other physical
gestures for building intimacy.
Research also supports the
idea that communication does
not occur in a vacuum. Specifically,
we interact while doing things
together and doing things together
builds a bond.
Have
you ever heard someone say, “Oh,
when we see each other, we’ll
have some QUALITY TIME together”?
That “quality time” probably
felt like it was:
» Too
short to begin and complete
an emotional cycle of interaction
and discussion. It’s
not even enough time to complain
that you don’t have enough
time together.
» Superficial
and unrealistic since there
was never time to discover
and then work through relationship
issues. When you hear the term “quality
time” you probably bristle
because you feel your lover
is not taking the issue of
not being together seriously
enough.
» Clouded
with underlying resentment since
the time together had no quality
at all, yet you were supposed
to believe that myth. If you
have a lover who expects you
to be happy that you get an
hour together once a week,
you may be seething inside
while you force a smile on
your face. Keep this up and
you may become a crackling
inferno.
» Laced
with guilt because you couldn’t
really get into what you were
doing since you knew it was
going to end too soon, yet
you were supposed to be happy
and in the moment.
» Basically,
unimportant to the other person. If he cared more about you,
he would find a way to spend
more time with you, building
the bond and the commitment.
Do
you want to continue your relationship with someone,
but they have very little time?
Or are you the one with the
lack of time problem? Do you
work more than one job, live
some distance from your significant
other, have family members
to attend to, or just find
yourself in a time crunch for
one reason or another?
Here
are some suggestions to bridge
the gap between “quality
time” and “quantity
time”:
1.
Sit down with your love interest and discuss
your schedules.
Take out your
calendars and look to see when
you can spend some uninterrupted
time together. Knowing that
you have a planned special
time together can keep your
spirits up and helps you stay
focused on the positive. You
may have to work two jobs,
work and go to school, or take
care of a child or a parent,
and you may have to do these
things for quite a stretch.
But the way you can offset
resentment is to bring the
other person into your plans,
thoughts, feelings, and goals.
If they feel you are considerate
of their needs, you will have
less relationship problems.
2.
Evaluate what is causing you to not have enough time
together.
Is it possible to
put a time limit on how long
you are going to be overbooked?
Are you trying to do more than
is humanly possible because
of a lack of money? Is there
a way you can cut down your
living expenses, quit working
such long hours, and have more
time? Can you ask other family
members for more time or support
while you are in this tight
scheduling jam? Sit down and
go over your list of questions
together.
3.
Gifts and cards matter.
If your loved one feels
neglected, create a system
where you buy a bunch of romantic
cards or small gifts, and send
them out every few days. It
isn’t how much you feel
your loved one matters as much
as how much he or she FEELS
they matter to you. And if
you are the one who is being
neglected, tell your partner
what you need in order to feel
closer to him or her. Be realistic
about what they can afford
or do, but also let the person
know that you need at least
a phone call, text message,
or email. More than one a day
is also helpful. Staying in
touch means a lot.
It
is not a good idea to just complain
about a lack of time. You need
a plan to turn things around.
You can do it taking one step
at a time. If NOTHING can be
done about it, then do everything
you can to be supportive and
attentive in all the little
ways that you can. If you have
a great partner and he or she
is doing everything possible
to be with you, move from thinking
about the lack of “quality
time” to appreciating
the quality of caring in your
relationship.
Tonja
Evetts Weimer,
M.A.,
is
an
award-winning
author
and
Master
Certified
Single’s
Coach
and
Personal
Life
Coach.
Her Savvy
Singles column appears every
Friday in Online Dating Magazine. You can email Tonja
at tonja@tonjaweimer.com,
visit her website a www.singlesdatingtips.com or
www.tonjaweimer.com,
or call 864-294-9494.
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