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Singles > Obsession
 Savvy
Singles
by dating
expert Tonja Evetts Weimer
Obsession
Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You
Did
the great love of your life stop caring? Did you
think you had a romance that would last forever?
Or did you always have a little nagging feeling that
he or she never cared as much as you did? If you’ve
ever been obsessed with still loving someone who
doesn’t love you, then you know that these
can be the worst moments of your life.
The
pain of wanting someone who doesn’t feel the same way
can be excruciating. It can make you feel like the
world has slipped out from under your feet. The loss
of your relationship may leave you feeling insignificant,
unlovable, and unattractive.
When
I am working with singles, I often ask, “Who was the first person
who broke your heart?” Invariably, that question
leads us back to when the client was in school (junior
high, high school, or college) and the one they loved
did not feel the same way. What we discover is that
from that one perceived rejection, the client has
made decisions and choices that affect his or her
whole life.
Some
people never want to feel that pain or humiliation
again, and choose partners who are “safe” and
won’t
leave them. Others develop an attitude that there
is no such thing as true love, and have a kernel of
cynicism in their heart. And yet others will continue
to choose people who are not relationship material.
When the relationship breaks up, the person who has
been left feels rejected all over again. This information
is to let you know you no longer have to be tortured
by your obsessive thoughts.
There
is a Polish proverb that goes:
The
man who can’t
dance thinks the band is no good.
You
may think that all of the opposite sex is no good,
or that you are no good, or that love is a cruel
joke. If you are obsessing about someone who does
not feel the way you do, it may be time to learn
to dance.
Your
life is not over. Your
life is just beginning. If you can take a big breath,
step back, and get some distance from the situation,
you might find relief from your misery by thinking
about the following:
1)
There is nothing wrong with you other than your
misinterpretation of the facts.
If
the one you love doesn’t want you, this is
your wake-up call. You don’t want him or her.
You don’t
want to invest any more time or thought or energy
in this person. That may seem impossible to let go
of, but you can consciously choose to change your focus.
However, don’t change it to another person yet.
Give yourself time to get over this and learn from
it. Change your attention to what you love to do. If
you don’t
know what that is, that is your search—not
another boyfriend or girlfriend.
2) Ask
yourself when you felt this way in your life in the
past.
Dig
deep. Ultimately, you will find some old feelings
of unworthiness. Work to heal those past unkind thoughts
and feelings and you will be on your way to getting
over the one you are no longer with. This incident
has simply pricked an old scab and you are bleeding
again—but you
are attributing all the pain to the current situation,
unaware that it has old roots.
3) Take
a look at when he or she revealed to you that your
relationship was not ever going to be romantically
serious or committed.
There
were statements or actions early on that you did
not want to pay attention to. Most people usually
have enough information in three dates to know if
the relationship is going to go anywhere. And if
someone tells you they aren’t
ready for love—believe them. Our egos
can get in the way of hearing what is said and what
is not said.
4) When
the feelings are not mutual between you and another,
examine how you put yourself in this unequal place.
1.
Do you think that you’ll
never find anyone else?
2.
Do you fantasize that if only he or she would love
you, you would be happy the rest of your life?
3.
Do you feel that this person is so great, and you
are so insignificant by comparison?
If
you are longing for someone who seems to have more
going for them than you do, perhaps you need to look
at what you should be doing to have a better, more
interesting, more fulfilling life. It could be that
the loss you feel is the life you wanted to have
by vicariously living beside and through someone
else.
The
saddest and most amazing part to these one-way love
obsessions is how willing people are to accept so
little in return. It isn’t
the beloved who is treating you badly—it is YOU
who is treating you badly by hanging around and moping
after someone who isn’t available. When the one
you want doesn’t love you, the work you have
to do is immediate and clear. It is time to put loving
attention on your life. You can do it and you deserve
it.
Tonja
Evetts Weimer, M.A.,
is an award-winning author and
Master Certified Single’s
Coach and Personal Life Coach.
Her Savvy
Singles column appears every
Friday in Online Dating Magazine. You can email Tonja
at tonja@tonjaweimer.com,
visit her website a www.singlesdatingtips.com or
www.tonjaweimer.com,
or call 864-294-9494.
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