Can't We All Just Get Along?
A Humorous Look at Relationships

The other day, while doing my weekly reading, I came across some articles of interest. Because I can appreciate a good laugh as much as the next person, and because my male friends have accused me of sometimes being biased when it comes to presenting what goes on in male/female relationships, I offer...

He Say / She Say

Today’s column will entertain the male perspective, as well as my own, on some pretty timely topics in the dating community.

I found the following commentary in the South Street Journal (it has also made its rounds via email with the author unknown), and thought it was simply hilarious.

It’s called The Man’s Rules.

The Man’s Rules
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now finally, here are the rules from the male side.

Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports.
It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done... not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach for example is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about...
... unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, Point spread, Sports Illustrated Bathing Suit Pictures.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

And here is my response...

The Woman's Rules (Revisited) - My Version:

If you want a woman who looks like a “10”, be prepared to spend at least 10% of your weekly pay as an “incentive bonus”.
Another 10% for maintenance fees (i.e. hair, nails, wardrobe, and spa appointments.)

If you want a woman who looks like Hallie Berry, don’t expect her to birth your babies, cook like your mama, or put up with your bull!

Know that the amount of “action” you get is in direct proportion to the amount of action we get when we make requests, or ask for periodic favors.

Grow up!
“Tricks are for kids.” Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Treat us as well as you treat your car, if you want low maintenance and high performance.

“Foreplay” is FOR REAL…
bring it like you mean it!

If you want a “trophy,” excel in competitive sports.
Women of today want to be appreciated for other attributes like kindness, intelligence, domestic skills, and dollar savvy. And we want to be heard.

Take an active interest in who we are as individuals.
Before expecting intimacy, at least know our last name, our favorite color, what we do for a living, what make us laugh, what makes us cry, what makes us tick… get the picture?

If you don’t contribute “half” to our bills, don’t expect to have “equal” say in how we choose to spend our money.
And yes, it is necessary to have more than one pair of black shoes.

Bring something “to the table” besides a hearty appetite!

You spend too much time with the fellas.

You spend too little time making the relationship work.

If we are “crazy,” 9 times out of 10, you were a major contributing factor!

Thank you for reading this!
And yes, I know things won’t change… but it was worth a try.

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Jennifer's Gems is a weekly column written by award-winning poet and writer, Jennifer Brown Banks. It is published every Wednesday. Click here to read her welcome letter.