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JENNIFER'S
GEMS
by Jennifer Brown
Banks
Don't Leave Like
a Louse!
(Breakup Etiquette for the "Unenlightened" Man)
Imagine that you report to your job for
what would appear to be a typical work day. From all
previous indications, your employer has been very satisfied
with your performance.
You
arrive early, get to your office door, and the key
won’t fit. It appears
that the lock has been changed. Even worse, you notice
your nameplate has
been removed from the door as well. There’s no
one around to ask questions. But it's obvious
that your worst fear has been realized; you've
been fired! And you were fired with no warning, no
explanation, and no recourse! Imagine
the confusion and the many unanswered questions this
scenario would cause. Imagine the anger and disappointment.
Multiply it by 100 times. That’s a fraction of
what it feels like to a woman you've mysteriously
dumped!
Let’s face it. Sometimes the need to sever ties
from a former partner happens. "You’ve
lost that lovin' feeling" or an old flame
resurfaces to light your fire. Or perhaps it's
just irreconcilable differences. And it makes no sense
to stick around and stay miserable. Right? It happens.
There's really no totally pain free way to move
on.
But that doesn’t mean you should have a callous
attitude, or opt for the coward's way out. Contrary
to the popular song, there aren't "50
ways to leave your lover!"
The way you leave a
relationship speaks volumes about the type of "man"
you are. It also shapes a woman's future perceptions
of herself and love in general. Bitter break-ups produce
bitter women!
Here's an online blog entry
from a "woman
scorned" that typifies many women's experiences:
"I'm feeling so rejected, hurt and confused
lately. Not a peep from the jerk. How could I have
misread
him so? I really thought he was a stand-up guy. I just
don’t understand why every guy I have fallen
for in the past 4 years has pulled practically the
same thing."
Unfortunately, cycles perpetuate. Peter pays for the
sins of Paul.
According to John Gray, Ph.D. and author
of Mars
and Venus on a Date, "Good endings create
good beginnings."
As someone who has been
both the dumper and the dumpee in my relationships, I
can attest, there is an art to ending an affair. Here’s
the "politically correct" way to pull it
off!
DON'T FALL FOR THE GRASS IS
GREENER FALLACY
Before leaving one woman to run
to the arms of
another, make sure that what you are risking is worth
the tradeoff!
Many times guys find a new love interest enticing
just because of the unexplored pleasures and possibilities.
The novelty. After the passage of time and getting
to know the person, they find that what they bargained
for is really less than what they already had;
and often too late to do anything to rectify the
situation.
BE
SENSITIVE TO HER FEELINGS
Practice the Golden Rule.
Don't take the easy way out by sending her
an email or leaving a message on her answering machine.
It's really uncool and unkind. Unless she has
a history of violence, do it in person - or by a
phone call, or a caring, compassionate letter.
IF THERE IS
SOMETHING THAT CAN BE WORKED UPON, TALK IT OUT FIRST
Communication is crucial to any successful,
enduring relationship.
DON'T BASH HER OR BLAME
HER FOR EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG
It takes
two to make or break a relationship.
HAVE A HEART
If there's
something that you can share in the way of constructive
criticism that might
help in the future, then do so.
DON’T
OFFER FRIENDSHIP
At least not right
away. It's offensive, and
feels like a demotion. Unless the two of you started
out as friends initially.
KEEP IN MIND A BASIC LAW OF
THE UNIVERSE
What
goes around comes around. Karma is a killer!
DON’T
KISS AND TELL
It's
in poor taste, and if it gets back to her, it would
only
serve to deepen her pain.
DON'T MAKE A MOVE ON
HER BEST FRIEND!
The reasons for this, I hope, are obvious.
GIVE HER AN EXPLANATION
THAT'S FAIR AND REASONABLE
Please
don't use the line that you need to "find
yourself". It's getting old!
DON'T
BECOME M.I.A. (Missing In Action)
Many
immature and insensitive guys choose this exit
strategy. They simply stop calling or coming around "cold-turkey,"
concluding that a woman will eventually "figure
it out". The terrible thing about this way
of operating, is that it is the worse of all. It
never
allows a lover to bring closure to the relationship
and heal properly.
Keep in
mind that these are general guidelines. Each situation
should be evaluated on an individual basis. For example,
if there is concern that a woman has the potential
to become a "fatal attraction," you
may want to just change your address, go into seclusion
for a while, and forget the above steps! Good luck
with that.
HERE’S
HOPING FOR SMOOTHER TRANSITIONS AND LASTING LOVE!
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Jennifer's
Gems is a weekly column written by award-winning
poet and writer, Jennifer
Brown Banks. It is published
every Wednesday. Click
here to read
her welcome letter.
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