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Guest
Editorial: Overcoming the Stigma of Online Dating - What
Are We Embarrassed For?
by Rachel Lawrence
(October, 2004) We all have a friend
like Janine, who is perfectly happy to discuss her
experiences of online dating without any embarrassment
or restraint. The in-depth analysis of any meeting
with the opposite sex is a natural conclusion to the
date, so when Janine calls me up one Saturday night
to talk about Paul 31/M/Southampton, I am not particularly
surprised - and interested to hear her story. She tells
me: “We had the most wonderful time. We really
connected.”
“That’s great.” I reply, “How
did you two meet again?”
"Over the Internet!”
And, of
course, there is a silence as I try to gather my thoughts
and hide my
confusion.
“Is it really safe to go out with a ‘virtual stranger’?” I
ask. I sound concerned, but essentially I am personally reinforcing the stigma
of online dating and wondering why such an attractive, outgoing girl as Janine
would need to resort to these drastic measures.
“Oh, I always tell someone where
I’ll be. It’s no different
to going on a blind date or meeting a man by the coffee machine at work,
and agreeing to go out for a drink with him,” she
says breezily.
And I start to wonder if she’s
right. For isn’t it me at home
on a Saturday night, testing out ‘The Rules’ on a man who never
called me back?!
“But - online dating, Janine? Surely it hasn’t come to that!”
A year later, at Paul’s birthday party, I find
myself re-evaluating my prejudices and wondering what
it was that I considered so demeaning about meeting
like-minded people of a suitable age, with similar
interests, and having some fun.
Inevitably, the Janine’s of this world are
very adept at remaining dignified in any situation.
But could this dignity really transpose itself to
me? When people ask Janine – as they always
do – how she met Paul, she smiles sweetly and
says:
“We met online through an Internet dating service.”
And
the response she gets is always positive and congratulatory – never
the derision I anticipate. It was my old-fashioned
view of the dating world
(a world that I am exceptionally well acquainted
with) that stood in the way of me having my own experiences
and accepting the Internet as a satisfactory way
to meet people.
So – never one to shy away from self-improvement
- I did it! I joined an Internet dating service, chose
my most flattering picture (a holiday snap of me in
Spain with a very slimming tan) and wrote my most glorious
review. I put myself out there into that scary cyber
singles bar, and was thrilled when my Inbox blinked
with new messages every day. Soon those Saturday nights
of 'doing sit-ups and watching Seinfeld' were a thing
of the past.
To my surprise, the process was tremendously enjoyable
and very familiar in its subject-matter: after all
it is a mere sub-section of the courting manual I know
so well. And, although slightly disillusioned by some
disappointing early dates, I reworked my personal advertisement,
selected a more honest photograph; and I met
Mark. I am reminded of Janine when I say that we ‘connected’ instantly,
but it’s true. It was the best and most relaxed
first date I have ever had, being permitted all the
time in the world to perfect my witticisms and send
them to him with a smiley face attached at the end.
When we were both ready to meet up, we did so, trying
hard to recreate the flirty conversations we had enjoyed
those first months, with varying success.
We dated for awhile. Mark was kind, generous and
attractive – his primary reason for using the
dating service was his busy work schedule - and although
it didn’t work out, my uncertainties about trying
to make friends and (dare I say it) "fall in love through
the Internet" have disappeared. I consider it no more
of an embarrassment than being a liberated, modern
day woman prepared to make the first move, to ask a
man out; to make something happen.
I remember vividly the anxiety of my first real date
with Mark, remember afterwards calling my friend, Emily,
to post-mortem the evening. She asked the inevitable
question: “So how did you two meet then?”
And
I told her, in my most dignified manner: “We
met online through an internet dating service.”
“Really?” she said, “that’s
how I met my James!”
Rachel Lawrence
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