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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
First
Date Behavior | Risking Rejection | First Encounter
Expectations
Quick
Access:
Offline Meeting
Risking Rejection
First Encounter
I’ve been talking with
someone online for almost 3 months and now we’re
having our first offline meeting. It feels as though
we’ve been dating, so what’s the appropriate
behavior?
Everyone must be careful
that they have an accurate impression of another person
online. The tools of online dating – such as
compatibility testing, IMs and videochat – can
go a long way in helping you feel out some one and
whether they are likely to be your type. Genuine, lasting
and fulfilling relationships can and do begin online.
In fact, sometimes relationships that began online
are more stable and satisfying than ones that started
offline. Having said that, it still takes in-person
meetings to really know if the chemistry and bond you
think is there is really there.
I
can’t say what is or isn’t appropriate
between two adults, but I think your instincts will
tell you what’s appropriate once you meet in
person and interact for a while. So, don’t rush
anything once you meet face-to-face. Give yourself
some time to see if your expectations of the other
person and the level of relationship you have match
reality. And too, it’s only fair that you give
the other person time to do the same.
How do I ask a girl if I'm her type without
risking rejection?
Most
of the time, women will give you hints that you’re
her type assuming that you are. She may know instantly,
or she may not. But a good way to broach the topic,
in principle, is to ask her for advice on how to improve
your personal profile. If she finds you attractive,
cute or eligible then your request for advice will
often lead to compliments that will give you an idea
as to what she really thinks about you. Of course,
if you aren’t her type then you haven’t
lost anything. To be sure, what you gain is valuable
insight and feedback on what you can do to enhance
your presentation of yourself, and in the process,
attract women that will find you to be their type.
What do men, versus women, expect in a first
encounter?
This
really varies based on things like how well each
knows the other, the presence or absence of romantic
feelings, and whether or not each has the same expectations
for a relationship. But irrespective of the circumstances,
both men and women look forward to meeting someone
who smiles a lot, is attentive to their needs, shows
politeness and manners, has a sense of humor, communicates
sincerely and intelligently, and dresses well and has
good personal hygiene. Oh, and there’s one more
thing – both sexes like someone who’s relaxed
and is sincerely enjoying the meeting. So, don’t
put on pretenses by trying to be someone you’re
not or fail to pay attention to what the person is
saying because you’re thinking up your next smooth
line. I guess it boils down to this – when meeting
for the first time, people want to interact and get
to know the real you.
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