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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
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Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
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Long
Distance Relationships | Showing Interest in Someone
Quick
Access:
Long Distance Relationships
Revealing an Interest Online
How do I cope with a long distance
relationship?
Long-distance relationships
are actually quite common – think of the university
students who have “hometown honeys” or
jet setting executives who must travel constantly and
on short notice, or even Hollywood stars, who must
sustain a loving relationship while off for weeks or
months on media tours or filming the next big movie.
And when you think about it, all online dating relationships
are inherently long distance relationships. Some of
these can be bridged easily, if two people live nearby.
Other times, two people might be states or even continents
apart.
A
book could easily be written on the topic of coping
and nurturing long distance relationships. I guess
I should first debunk the myth that long distance
romances never work. They’re quite difficult to pull off,
because absence doesn’t necessarily make “the
heart grow fonder.” However, they can be made
to work if both parties are committed to work at it.
I’ll give you a link to some excellent online
resources for coping and nurturing online relationships,
but right now here are a few guiding principles:
Foster
effective communication.
The quality of the relationship
is more likely to increase if both
people
develop the ability to share feelings openly with each
other.
Maintain a conscious mind-set of commitment.
The level of commitment will vary across couples,
but a conscious
decision to commit is one of the three building blocks
of stable and satisfying relationships (the other
two are Friendship and Passion/Intimacy).
Relish
your independence.
Good relationships, long
distance or not, are balancing acts. It takes the
right balance of independence and dependence for an individual
to be autonomous but still get emotional needs met
by his or her partner. Each person should be allowed
and encouraged to mature as an individual. Therefore,
keep realistic expectations. Don’t expect yourself
or your partner to stay exactly the same as when
the relationship started.
Establish clear expectations
for the relationship.
It’s crucial that a couple
must discuss and understand each other’s needs
and expectations within a long distance relationship.
Without this,
each
person
is working on a different relationship and significant
problems are likely.
Do things that draw the two
of you closer, rather than emphasize the separation.
Heed this point from the
way you two communicate online to the making sure
you two actually have quality time together through occasional
in-person visits.
And as for coping with long distance
relationships, keep these thoughts in mind:
Don’t
mope around, looking forward only to those times
when you talk to your partner.
Stay active
and
take care of yourself.
Put meaningful things in your
life other than your significant other.
In other
words, have a life.
Occasionally help those who have
challenging life circumstances.
It can help put your
problems in perspective.
Have supportive people in
your life, and give them support in return.
Occasionally
do something that’s atypical for
you but not unhealthy or self-defeating.
Go visit
a zoo, take a class to learn a new skill or indulge an
interest in art or history, or go get a new hair
cut. Keep exciting activities things in your life – it
promotes brain chemistry that’s good for
your psychological health.
Okay, now let me leave you with
some sources that I promised:
From Online Dating Magazine:
Feature:
Making Long Distance Relationships Work
Connect Column on Long Distance Relationships
The Dating Tipster Advice Column
From The Web:
Long Distance Couples
UMR Counseling Center - Long Distance Relationships
What’s the best way to approach someone
online that I’m interested in?
I’m a firm believer in doing what feels comfortable.
You’ve many standard options for approaching
a romantic prospect:
Send
a “wink” – it’s
a hybrid of a “short email and an emoticon” that
online sites usually have for you to send others.
It’s
a great and non-threatening way to let someone know
that you find them interesting.
Send an email – if
there was something particularly attractive or intriguing
in a person’s
profile, then you might want to send an email to tell
the person
about it. But, don’t go on too long in the email – get
to the point.
Send an Instant Message (IM) – maybe
someone caught your eye that you rarely see being active
online.
In this case, you might want to “strike while
the iron is hot” and introduce yourself spontaneously.
More
important than the method you choose is the fact
that you actually do it! Many people hesitate contacting
others out of fear of rejection, laziness, or skepticism
that the other person is a good prospect. You lose
nothing by taking a chance to reach out to someone.
Acting reserved, coy, and “playing hard to get” doesn’t
bode well. Both men and women prefer someone who takes
the initiative and makes their intentions known. So,
regardless of what method feels right to you at the
time, take a risk and make that connection. And for
heaven’s sake, be respectful when you reach out.
"Taking the initiative" is not an invitation
to be crass or highly suggestive.
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