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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
This
Week:
Single Parent Asking About Online Dating
I’m a single
parent trying online dating. Do you have any advice
for me?
First, online dating can be a really smart move for
a single parent getting back in the dating scene. You
may not know it, but online dating has several distinct
advantages over traditional offline dating:
» Efficiency
Online
dating expands your social circle in a way virtually
impossible
to
duplicate offline. Further, you can quickly filter
or screen for the type of people that seem to be
your type. It’s a process that’s more
streamlined and efficient than traditional dating.
» Safety
The computer
is a natural barrier between you and romantic prospects.
This eliminates having
to meet people under awkward or even threatening
situations. It also offers anonymity. This allows
you more control
to pace your contact with others as well as the level
of self-disclosure. The result is relationships are
more likely to move at a pace that’s comfortable
to you.. These two
factors work together to help protect you physically
and psychologically.
» Convenience
Unlike
offline dating for a busy single and parent that
tends to make you rush around
to make the date or induce headaches over finding
a babysitter, online dating is done according to
your
schedule. It fits in with the lifestyles of today’s
busy singles, and it can be done in the privacy and
comfort of your own home.
» Cost Effectiveness
The
traditional date is dinner and a movie costs around
$100 in most major
metropolitan areas. Getting to know 100 people that
way would take months and cost in the neighborhood
of $5,000 going “Dutch.” Online dating
offers a much more economical way to meet and get
to know other eligible singles in your area and across
the country and the world.
» Fun
Ah, remember
the days when dating was supposed to be fun rather
than yet another chore or scheduling
conflict? Well, online dating brings back the fun,
because you’re in the driver’s seat and
can carefully decide in advance who you want to contact.
Getting to know others is not as awkward, because
you can read a person’s profile to get a sense
about them, scrutinize their photos as often as you
want,
and even estimate how compatible you might be with
them through compatibility testing. In other words,
online dating allows you to “gape” at
another person and size them up in a socially acceptable
and
safe way. Try that at Starbucks and see if you get
a phone number in return or a restraining order ;)
So,
my advice to you is to relax and enjoy the process
of online dating. But, keep in mind there are predators
and nasty people out that try to take advantage of
others. Here are four rules for single parents using
online dating:
1) Don’t include pics of yourself or
descriptions of your children in your online profile.
Pedophiles
look for such cues when trying to select potential
victims. Furthermore, in the online dating world
the aim is to sell yourself. Save those kinds of
details
for a later – when you feel comfortable self –disclosing
to someone that you’ve communicated with for
a while.
2) Be wary of someone who doesn’t share
a pic of him or herself. Many people choose not to
post a
photo in their profile and that’s fine. But most of
these same individuals will share a photo with someone
that they trust. My advice is – if a person
simply won’t share a photo, then you should
simply walk away.
3) Be wary of pushy, aggressive or
overly suggestive individuals. You know you’re
dealing with this kind of person because they try
to move the relationship along at
a pace much faster than you’re comfortable
with. If you feel out of control, then walk away
from them.
4) Be wary of anyone that expects a lot of
self-disclosure and identifying information from
you too soon in
the relationship, such as home address and phone number,
your place of employment, and where your children
go to school. Also, walk away if a person expects this
type of disclosure from you, but isn’t willing
to reciprocate that disclosure.
Finally, one of the parts of online dating that I
hear single parents have the most difficulty with is
writing the personal profile. Here’s a tip – have
your child help you if they’re old enough to
do so. I don’t mean have them sit with you and
share in your online dating adventures. No, what I
mean is that your children have perspectives and insights
into your personality and lifestyle habits that are
invaluable in helping you describe and ultimately sell
yourself to romantic prospects. It can be a fun and
short conversation with your child… something
that starts with a simple, “Hey, Rebecca, why
would a pretty lady want to go to dinner with your
dear old dad?” or “Michael, what kind of
man do you think would be a great date for your busy
mom?”
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