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Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James Houran, Ph.D

In this column, "Dr. Jim" honestly and candidly answers your questions about dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell you what you want to hear – he tells you what you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering you guidance based on responsible clinical practice and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration in an upcoming issue.

New Relationships Advice | More Flirting Tips

Quick Access:
Advice for People in a New Relationship
Few More Flirting Tips

What advice do you have for people in new relationships?

Take home point #1: Understand that passion in a relationship ebbs and flows. In fact, it generally decreases over time – no matter what some online dating sites might say about “chemistry.” Keep this in mind or you’ll have incredibly unrealistic expectations and hence disappointments ahead.

Take home point #2: Strive everyday to remain positive and optimistic in the relationship. Focus on the good things about the relationship and pay less attention to the small, negative things.

Take home point #3: Make decisions for the good of the relationship, as opposed to doing just what’s good for you. In other words, put your partner’s needs first.

Take home point #4: Take care of your health and your self-esteem, so that you are not depending on your partner to give you confidence or a rigid sense of identity and purpose.

Take home point #5: If the relationship is valuable, then act like it. Invest your time and energy into the relationship, make an effort to get to know your partner, listen to your partner and always be open about your thoughts and feelings.

Take home point #6: Be open and genuine in your intentions and actions, especially in the early stages of the relationship when trust is being established.

Take home point #7: Learn to use constructive communication styles during times of conflict. Avoid criticism, contempt and insults when having an argument. Try to keep the positive comments, gestures and actions well above the negative ones.

Take home point #8: Don’t shut out family and friends so you can spend all your time in your own love-inspired world with your partner. Family and friends can be excellent sources of guidance and advice. And they are a thermometer for your relationship – they can see troubling or unhealthy patterns in your relationship and your own behavior that are easy to miss when you are in love and have rose-colored glasses on.

Thanks for your column on the secrets of flirting. Anymore flirting tips?

Good flirts do share some common techniques it seems. In addition to those I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, here are a few more things to keep in mind:

1) Be confident. At least 60% of communication is non-verbal. This means that people form opinions about others based on what they see and feel and how a person comes across in dress and uses facial expressions.

2) Like and respect people. Good flirts know the importance of liking and respecting people of all types of backgrounds. People who are judgmental of others tend to be ineffective flirts. The more people with whom you meet and learn to interact, the more you increase your people skills and emotional intelligence.

3) Be an attractive person. Being “attractive” is whatever that means to you. The point is when you feel good it comes across to others and is ultra sexy. Dress in ways that make you feel good and be sure to maintain exceptional levels of hygiene.

Related Links:
» Secrets to Flirting

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