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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In
this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
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Chemistry,
Attraction, and Romantic Love | From Bad to Good?
Quick
Access:
Chemistry and Attraction
Can a Person go from Bad to Good?
I’m curious to know
when one feels "chemistry" or a strong
physical attraction towards someone is the feeling
of chemistry because it’s also reciprocated.
Or is it just that you are so attracted that you
are only imagining (or hoping) that the other person
is feeling the same way. Not sure if I'm making this
question clear or not. I'm interested in the science
of the question I guess...can chemistry be one-sided
or is it physically happening simultaneously? Like
an energetic flow back and forth?
I
think that “chemistry” is best described
as a subjective interpretation we give to emotional
and physical feelings towards someone. On the physical
side, we can feel strong attraction (sex drive) to
a person without that being desire being reciprocated – which
explains why marketers use models to help sell consumers
different products and services and why the best looking
celebrities are usually among the most popular.
The
sex drive part of our selves is a bit different than
feelings scientists put under the rubric of romantic
love. Romantic love is driven in part by neurochemistry
and in part by psychology. The euphoria and obsession
we feel about a person when we are in a state of romantic
love also involves a longing for that person to reciprocate
the feelings. If this happens and a relationship develops,
then couples tell themselves “stories,” outright
invent reasons or view information around them in biased
ways to support the idea why the relationship is wonderful.
This is not necessarily a “bad” thing;
it is just how couples maintain their satisfaction
in a relationship over time. If romantic love is not
reciprocated, then the disappointed person can still
create a story in his/her mind to explain away the
response – thereby producing false hope.
However,
a very strong bond occurs when we feel physical attraction
and affection towards someone and that person reciprocates
the feelings. In fact, the “go” signals
a person receives is a more powerful motivator than
how physically attractive the object of desire is.
People are simply attracted to others (platonically
and romantically) more when they know the other person
likes them. I hope my reply has not muddied the waters
for you – I guess it can get a bit complicated.
The bottom line is that “chemistry” can
be one-sided, but it is strongest and more easily
maintained when it is two-sided.
Can “bad” people
suddenly go “nice”?
Many
people are attracted to the idea of “bad boys” and “naughty
girls.” It’s a tremendously powerful
archetype in our sexual psyches, and themes like
this dominate sexual role-playing and fantasies.
Take for instance those we consider playboys and
playgirls like George Clooney, Madonna, Paris Hilton
or Jack Nicholson. And then there are people who
seem “good” but then occasionally act “bad” – such
as Lindsey Lohan, Christina Aguilera, the Olson Twins
and Britney Spears. Usually with people, what you
see is what you get. Actual behavior is almost always
a more accurate window into peoples’ minds
and future intentions than is what they say.
As
a result, I tend to be skeptical when “bad boys
and girls” seem to go on a “nice” streak.
It can happen with celebrities who often do things
for publicity stunts, to improve their public images
or to achieve something else for personal gain. But
for everyday people dramatic changes in behavior
tend to reflect personal stress, the beginning of
negative habits like drug addictions or just plain
manipulation. Don’t allow yourself to be treated
terribly most of the week and then take a person
back because s/he apologizes and suddenly treats
you well and “swears to change” on the
weekend. This is an abusive cycle.
Related Links:
» Chemistry
101
» Chemistry
in the 21st Century
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