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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In
this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
"Grass
is Greener on the Other Side" Mentality
Quick
Access:
The Grass is
Always Greener on the Other Side?
What causes the "grass
is greener on the other side" mentality in dating
relationships?
Admittedly it’s a
paradox, but human beings are simultaneously creatures
of habit and creatures that tend to get bored easily.
People do what’s
familiar to them because familiarity and predictability
equal safety and comfort. But when excitement wanes
in a relationship for either person in a dating
relationship, we look for ways to add excitement.
Sometimes the couple does new and novel activities
to add spice, and sometimes one or both partners
look outside the relationship for something new.
From a neurochemical perspective, excitement from
new and novel things can induce the same feelings
as being in love. With all this in mind, it’s
easy to see why some people may start thinking
that the “grass is greener on the other side.”
I
could stop there, but there’s more information
you should consider. When people want to stay in
a relationship, they find reasons and maintain
a mindset whereby they are better off in the relationship
than out of it(5,6,7). For example,
high levels of relationship satisfaction can involve
positive distortions(4) or what
is known as social desirability bias in an individual’s
perceived relationship quality(3).
This tendency to describe one’s
relationship in unrealistically positive terms
strongly resembles psychological constructs such
as positive illusions(12) and
unrealistic optimism(9). On the
other hand, people who want to leave a relationship
look for evidence that supports that belief. This is
motivates many cases of Fear of Commitment (FOC).
FOC
is an ambivalence or lack of desire to commit exclusively
to one romantic partner. Commitment seems to involve
three factors: Long-term Orientation, an Intention
to Persist and Psychological Attachment(8).
These three factors significantly predict how well
a couple functions as well as whether they’ll
break up. Long-term orientation especially figures
heavily in the formula for successful maintenance
of a relationship over time.
In
comparing men and women’s perceptions of romantic relationships,
one study(11) found – contrary
to previous research and theory on male experience – that
few men mentioned fear of intimacy or fear of being
controlled. Moreover, about the same number of
women reported these feelings as did men in the
study. However, significantly more men than women
expressed fear of commitment, among other factors.
This same research also analyzed the reasons men
gave for why they experience fear in relationships
within the context of sex role expectations. Men
expressed anxiety over their perceived need to
be the dominant partner and to be in control of
and responsible for making decisions in the relationship,
according to social mores.
Similarly,
other researchers(10) studied
the “dismissing” form of adult
romantic attachment orientation across 62 cultural
regions. Dismissing attachment orientations are
indicated by an avoidance of close personal relationships
and the tendency to prevent romantic disappointment
by maintaining a sense of relational independence
and emotional distance(1,2).
A major finding from this important cross-cultural
study(10) was
that “Men
are more dismissing than women in almost all cultures,
but these differences are usually quite small in
magnitude” (p. 322).
Therefore, “the
grass is greener on the other side” phenomenon
is not confined to men and can involve a number
of separate or entangled mindsets:
» Fear
of intimacy
» Fear
of losing control
» Fear
of settling
» Fear
of living up to social norms
» Fear
of letting your partner down
» Fear
that your partner will not meet your expectations
This
is why it’s so crucial for individuals
first to sort out their own issues and understand
their mindsets before pursuing a serious, committed
relationship. The grass will always be greener
on the other side if you’re looking for an “out,” but
the grass is just fine where you stand if you have
a realistic and healthy view of relationships and
have found a truly caring, loving person who meets
your “must haves.” Funny how our hearts
follow where our heads go
References:
1Bartholomew, K. (1990). Avoidance of intimacy: an
attachment perspective. Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, 7, 147-178.
2Bartholomew,
K, & Horowitz,
L. M. (1991). Attachment styles in young adults: a
test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, 61, 226-244.
3Edmonds, V. H.
(1967). Marital conventionalization: definition and
measurement. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 29,
681-688.
4Fowers,
B. J., & Olson, D. H. (1993).
ENRICH marital satisfaction scale: a brief research
and clinical tool. Journal of Family Psychology, 7,
176-185.
5Johnson,
D.J., & Rusbult, C.E. (1989).
Resisting temptation: Devaluation of alternative partners
as a means of maintaining commitment in close relationships.
Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 57,
967-980.
6Levinger, G. (1986). Compatibility in relationships.
Social Science, 71, 173-177.
7Neff,
L. A., & Karney,
B. R. (2003). The dynamic structure of relationship
perceptions: differential importance as a strategy
of relationship maintenance. Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, 29, 1433-1446.
8Rusbult,
C. E., & Buunk,
B. P. (1993). Commitment processes in close relationships:
an interdependence analysis. Journal of Social and
Personal Relationships, 10, 175-204.
9Scheier,
M. F., & Carver,
C. S. (1992). Effects of optimism on psychological
and physical well being: theoretical overview and empirical
update. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 16, 201-228.
10Schmitt,
D. P., Alcalay, L., & Allensworth, M.,
et al. (2003). Are men universally more dismissing
than women? gender differences in romantic attachment
across 62 cultural regions. Personal Relationships,
10, 307-331.
11Sweet, H. B. (1995). Perceptions of
undergraduate male experiences in heterosexual romantic
relationships: a sex role analysis. Unpublished doctoral
dissertation, Department of Counseling, Developmental
Psychology and Research Methods, Boston College: Boston,
MA.
12Taylor,
S. E., & Brown, J. D. (1988). Illusion
and well-being: a social psychological perspective
on mental health. Psychological Bulletin, 103, 193-210.
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