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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In
this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
Physically
Unattractive - What Makes Us That Way to Others?
Quick
Access:
Physically Unattractive
What unwittingly can
make us seem physically UNattractive?
This
is a great question, because many people often spend
time trying to make themselves more physically attractive
but often fail to consider how their attitudes and
behaviors might sabotage their efforts. The following
attributes can make a person appear significantly
less physically attractive, even if the person would
generally be considered physically attractive:
1. Excessive
concern over physical appearance.
For example, a
really handsome man who constantly wonders
what others think of how he looks or a woman who complains
that nobody will like her because she believes that
others will see her as “homely.”
2.
Lack of confidence over one’s physical
appearance.
Even if a person actually is homely or only mediocre
on the handsome scale, confidence in one’s appearance—a
sign that someone is mature enough to have made peace
with the body that they were given in this life—can
make a person seem less homely or even more physically
attractive.
3.
Self-deprecation of one’s physical appearance.
This draws attention away from whatever non-physical
qualities could have more than made up for one's homeliness
and even made a person more physically attractive than
they would normally seem. So unappealing is this behavior
that it can make even a physically attractive person
look ugly.
4. Undesirable
personal qualities.
Sometimes people find us physically
unattractive simply because they
dislike our personal qualities — qualities
that may or may not be “bad” and which,
therefore, we shouldn’t necessarily aim to
change. For instance, if a really attractive person
happens to be very insightful
and you fear that s/he is able to divine your secrets
and insecurities, then you’ll find that this
person’s physical attractiveness diminishes
over time. Conversely, if a physically attractive
person
has personal traits that are undesirable (mean,
rude, insensitive, belligerent), then they will
also come
to be perceived as less physically attractive over
time.
5.
Self-deprecation of one’s mental health
or personal qualities.
This is related to lack of confidence
in one’s physical attractiveness in a way. For
example, people come across considerably more undesirable
if they’re constantly professing statements like “I
am so weird” or “I have a lot of issues.” Voicing
insecurities over one’s own personal qualities
signals instability, poor self-esteem and intolerance.
6.
Questioning or challenging loyalties or relationships.
This is
another sign of insecurity. For instance, asking
a person “Why don’t you like me?” or “Why
do you like the other coworkers better than me?” is
sure to introduce tension and conflict, and therefore,
make the person less unattractive.
Keep these
guidelines in mind as you’re picking
out that killer outfit, changing your hairstyle or
spraying on that that enticing cologne. Improving your
outer appearance is definitely worthwhile, but so is
taking honest stock of how you portray yourself to
others in your attitudes and behaviors.
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