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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In
this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies. Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
Sleeping
Around / Sexual Addicts
Quick
Access:
Message Sleeping Around
Sends
What does it say about a
person who constantly sleeps around?
Sex
is a natural and healthy behavior; not automatically
one of nature’s “guilty pleasures’ as
some religious and political authorities preach.
But clearly, too much of a good thing can become
problematic. With those two thoughts in mind, there
are many reasons why someone might sleep around.
It could simply mean that the person likes casual
sex. It could also mean that they person has low
self-esteem and is using sex to gain feelings of
love and acceptance. It could also mean that the
person is downright addicted to sex. There are many
reasons why someone might seem or be promiscuous,
but the topic of sexual addiction deserves further
comment.
Sexual
addiction is not merely sleeping around; it can involve
a wide variety of practices. Sometimes sexual addicts
have trouble with just one behavior, whereas other
addicts are confronting many. Many sex addicts say
their unhealthy use of sex has been a progressive
process. It may have started with an addiction to
masturbation, pornography (either printed or electronic),
or a relationship, but over the years progressed
to increasingly dangerous behaviors.
Based
on a 10-year research study of 1500 sexual addicts,
Dr. Patrick Carnes has estimated that about 8% of
the total population of men in the US is sexually
addicted and about 3% of women. That translates to
over 15 million women and men who deal with this
problem. The essence of all addiction is the addicts'
experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior,
resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The
addict is out of control and experiences tremendous
shame, pain and self-loathing. The addict may wish
to stop --- yet repeatedly fails to do so. The unmanageability
of addicts' lives can be seen in the consequences
they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with
work, arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest
in things not sexual, low self-esteem and despair. “As
one expert put it, “Contrary to enjoying sex
as a self-affirming source of physical pleasure,
the sex addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort
from pain, for nurturing or relief from stress,” comparable
to the alcoholic’s purposeful use of alcohol.
Authorities
have identified three general signs of sexual addiction:
The
sex is shameful.
The addict feels shame about what
he or she is doing; in fact, the sex acts may well
violate some of the person’s
own standards of conduct.
The
sex is secret.
The sex addict increasingly comes
to live a double life – presenting
one face to friends and family but engaging regularly
in sexual acts that would be shocking to this social
circle.
The
sexual behavior is abusive.
It violates someone else’s choice or exceeds their understanding.
The sex may also be abusive to the sex addict him
or herself, such as masturbating to the point of
physical injury or cutting or pinching oneself for
sexual arousal.
If
you’re curious to learn
an objective and confidential opinion about your
attitudes and behaviors concerning sex, then I urge
to visit the following “screening tests” for
sexual addiction:
http://www.sexaddictionhelp.com/test.html
http://www.sexaa.org/12ques.htm
These
are not tests that provide a clinical diagnosis,
but they can give you some self-awareness and food
for thought. After all, sex is a natural part of
intimate relationships and it’s wise to have a sense of your own sexuality
before sharing this part of yourself with others.
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